Stars, Stripes, and Scars

No, this post doesn't have anything to do with being American, the recent election, or my concerns for our country (though those are all post-worthy, I'm sure). Actually, this post has to do with shame.

Stars. They are what we are awarded for our successes on school papers, it is a name for someone who is popularly successful, they denote worth or achievement or, in the sense of the natural stars, beauty and wonder and even science.
Stripes. Stripes represent a pattern. When it's said that a zebra can't change his stripes, it means that this pattern he displays literally defines him and is beyond his control to change.
Scars. I think everyone knows what scars are, all too well. Whether physical or emotional, they tell the story of pain we have felt in the past, they bear testament to some injury we have suffered.

Shame is a tricky thing. Really, it tricks us. It tricks us into believing lies that otherwise would seem ridiculous and outlandish. Lies like "you're a failure," "you're worthless," "you don't deserve to be cared for," "you can't ask for help," "you're all alone," etc. Perhaps the biggest and most tricky lie that shame sells us is that things will always be the way they have been before. Shame tells us that in our pattern of accruing scars instead of stars, we have no hope of ever breaking free of that pattern, that we will always feel the way we feel now, do the things we do now, think and believe and live the way that we do now, or have in the past.

But those are all lies. (We're not zebras.)

The truth is that our failures do not define our worth. The truth is that we are surrounded by people who passionately care for us regardless of whether or not we deserve it. The truth is that we can ask for help, we can change, and things don't always have to be this way, or the way they were before.
Saying no to the lies that shame sells and saying yes the truths above takes risk. Taking heart, hope, faith---they're all a risk. Risky, not tricky. If we take a chance and hope, there is the potential to be let down. Aren't we down already, when we're living in shame? There's also a chance that we'll hope, and that those truths will turn out to be really true... and we'll be free and we'll have worth and shame will lose its grip.
Isn't that a risk worth taking?

You see, God knew what He was getting Himself into. He knows the depths of our hearts, and He loves us the same... that's why He's amazing. He delights in being our Savior. The God who sends mercy and goodness chasing after you all of the days of your life, the God who crafted you with intention and declared His work "good," is not put off by your shame. He is not ashamed of you, or of your need, rather He draws you to Himself, because He is the fulfillment of your need.
If you were strong enough to always believe in the truth, if you were ever convinced of your own worth apart from Him, then they wouldn't call it faith. If it wasn't absolutely vital to your well-being, then a relationship with Him wouldn't change your life.
But it is, and it does. And He loves that we need Him, because it brings us close to Him, and because HE LOVES US.
The ultimate condemnation for shame in a hypothetical court is that love. Shame claims all those things about us, but it has no case when we present God's love for us... the lies shame tells us cannot be true when we consider the nature of God's love. Unconditional. Neverending. Death-conquering. Healing. Life-bringing. Sin-expelling. Goodness-bringing. Soul-rescuing. Person-redeeming. The kind of love that clothes us in His righteousness and carries us to the table of the Most High. We have never been alone. He has been present since before we began to breathe and has been present throughout every struggle. He is present with you now, in this moment, and He has promised to always be present for all of eternity. That's a big promise, with giant implications.

Shame traps, truth frees. Shame is powerful. But where is the power of darkness when confronted with the light? One small candle can be seen for miles; imagine how God's truth can illuminate the darkness inside of you. Shame tries to keep us down, and it often succeeds. But don't stay down, my dear. Yes, shame is powerful. But shame cannot even begin to approach the power of that unconditional, neverending, death-conquering, life-bring, soul-rescuing, person-redeeming love with which GOD LOVES YOU.

Shame is a lie, and the truth is we are free, we are loved. I am free and loved. You are free and loved. Sometimes we must fight to believe the truth, we must push through the darkness and pray desperately for the truth to invade. Let us rest in this: there is nothing, including shame, that can ever separate us from the love of God that we have through Christ Jesus. <3

The Rhythm of Grace and Hugging the Ocean

I'm learning about grace.
I grew up with some understanding of the concept of grace, long able to recite the Sunday school answer for the difference between grace and mercy; mercy is being exempted from what one does deserve, and grace is being given what one does not deserve. (Namely, God's mercy saves us from eternal death, and His grace invites us to eternal life). But I'm finding that the depth of my understanding of grace has been lacking.
I know what grace is, sure, but how does it look for me to rest in God's grace for me? If I'm drowning in the ocean of God's grace, how should that affect how I think and act towards myself and towards others?
Like much of life with Christ, embracing His character and centering on some truth about His stance towards me has implications for countless daily goings-on. Grace is no exception.
Grace's response is often counter-intuitive for me. And I'm beginning to think maybe for all humans.
We seem to have this natural inclination to want to be punished when we've done something wrong, and when we're offered grace instead of condemnation, we have a remarkably difficult time foregoing self-punishment. Because we feel that what we deserve is the shame, hardship, and pain that our bad decision or failure merits.
But what we miss is the beauty that life with Christ isn't fair. And that that's a good thing. A really good, redemptive thing.
When we're honest with ourselves, all of our grandest schemes for bettering ourselves cause us to fall flat on our faces, discouraged and still full of failures. There exists these paradigm-like truths about personal growth and change with Christ in the picture, and they go like this: Until we can accept that we are loved exactly as we are, we have a hard time changing anything about ourselves. The best impetus for change within ourselves is not a deeply rooted dissatisfaction with our current state, however propelling that may be at times, but rather a passionate desire for what we see may lie ahead for us, and an unshakable hope that that future state is not beyond our reach.

"Grace, only grace, can move us to a rhythm that will change our ways." (Grace, Tenth Avenue North)

Like TAN's song so elegantly puts it, only grace really helps us to change. When I attempt to defeat myself, I am hindering the work of Him who is championing for my success. When I refuse the love of Him who has no business loving me, but does anyway, I'm being a fool... I'm turning from the one thing my heart truly longs for--the unconditional, forever kind of love. Only this love, so unaffected by whether or not I deserve it, is the kind that I can rely on, the kind that can change me from the inside out.
I'm still figuring out what living in grace looks like, practically. It requires a lot of surrender, and a lot of re-thinking about things. It requires the subtle shift from working on myself, to opening myself to the work that God is doing in me. I want to make new habits, let go of some things that don't belong in my life, and add and develop some things that I believe do belong here. God calls me to holiness, calls me to living like Him. But He doesn't do so without a promise to be my strength, and my hope, and fulfillment.

Grace is so wonderfully difficult, a bit like trying to hug the ocean. We cannot portion out bits of grace for ourselves, here and there when we feel we have earned it. That's not how it works. He just lavishes it out onto us, when we least deserve it and when we feel we've been good, all the same. If I've doled it out for myself, then it isn't grace. Grace is His to give, and any grace we are able to give to each other flows out of the grace we have received and are receiving from Him. There's just too much of grace for me to contain it and control it. You can't give the ocean a leisurely hug. You'd just get soaked, and pulled in by the tide, and possibly knocked off of your feet. Because that's how grace does work. It's overwhelming, and constantly flowing, and messy, and it rises to meet you again and again.

Gold Medals and Silver Linings

Last Sunday at Hershey Free Church I heard a really powerful analogy from Pastor Kevin Dixon. It challenged me, and has been stuck in my mind ever since. It aligns well with what I feel God has been trying to show me lately, and so I wanted to share it here, in my own words. 

Living life in a relationship with God is like recording the Olympics and watching them after you have heard who won the gold medal. Think about it... When you already knew who was going to win in the end, it took the stress out of watching the Olympics. With every faltering step, every glitchy landing, every missed point, you didn't freak out because you knew who would win anyways. Knowing how things end changes the way we watch, or at least it should. It would be ridiculous to wring our hands and get worked up over one lost point when we know that at the end of the game the U.S. would walk away with a ten point lead. 

In life, we know the ending. In the end, God wins. He wins it all. [Phil. 2:10] And so this should change the way we watch our lives and the lives of those around us unfold. Knowing the ending should change the way we watch the now. [John 16:33] Because every trial and loss we face, every storm with dark clouds that obscures our view of the light at the end of the tunnel, are nothing compared to the glory we will see as God redeems us, and the glory we will share when we join Him in Heaven one day! [1 Cor. 13:12] Life is painful and the problems we face are real. But they are overshadowed. Every menacing storm cloud is given a silver lining. It's like the typical love story of overcoming the odds to be together--though the challenges were there, they pale in importance next to the ending of joy. [Romans 8:18] We should not wring our hands in anxiety or give in to debilitating fear. [Matthew 6:25-33] Why? We know that God wins, but why does this set us free from fear and free to live joyfully and securely? Because the same God who wins is the God who died to draw us near.[John 3:16, Luke 19:10] This God who wins it all is the God who loves us more than we can comprehend, who sends goodness and mercy to chase us after us, who cherishes us, and who has great plans for us. [Romans 8:37-39, Psalm 23:6, 2 Peter 3:9, Jeremiah 29:11] 

No matter what my present looks like, I know that my God who has promised to return and take me with Him for eternity, will indeed return and do what He has promised! This promise, coupled with His promise to love me and let nothing separate us, should change everything. There is no room for fear in my life when I live in His great love for me, a love so powerful that He conquers even death. :) [Acts 2:24]

I know this post hasn't been eloquent or all-inclusive. I hope that as you read this, you are reminded that you have no need to fear. The God who wins in the end is the God who loves you, the God who is with you even now. :)

~"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."1 John 4:18 <3 ~

Tents, Tears, and Testimonies

I have been wanting to write and share my thoughts since I came home from Creation, but the time in between then and now just means I will just have even more to share! :P

Two times in the last month hearing the gospel has brought me to tears. And I'm glad... God is showing me more and more of who He is. He is opening my eyes to what it means to love Him and be loved by Him. I've always known that God was big, and great, and good. Known in my mind that is, but over the years I am continually impressed by how He is teaching me those things experientially as well. And no, that's not really a word :P The more I seek Him, the more I realize there is to find. Loving God and being loved by Him is this beautiful, never-ending friendship between me and Him.

It's hard to describe what God has been doing in my life. He has been reminding me and helping me to see in new ways basic truths about Him and about life. Some of these things I've known and believed for years, but just now are they beginning to seep into my heart and my mind. I want to move from knowing and believing in God to letting the truth I know and believe affect every single aspect of my life. This "God-thing" isn't one compartment of my life or of my heart, it isn't one part of who I am, it doesn't affect one piece of life... this me-and-Jesus thing IS life. The gospel, the good news that God loves me and paid the price for us to be close to each other for the rest of forever, should be central to my every thought, every action, every day. This truth, this relationship, should change how I see myself, how I see others, how I love and how I live on the deepest level possible.

While I was at Creation I started getting to know a girl, whose name I'll leave out here. She is dealing with some very real, very painful feelings and struggles. My heart breaks for her, seeing how every day involves so much hurt and so little hope. She isn't believing in the truth of who she is in Christ. It's a hard thing to do, to trust that He knows you completely, sees your gigantic need for Him, and loves you more than you can comprehend, enough to endure torture, beat death, and chase after your heart every day. Because we as humans just don't act like that, just don't love like that. It's confusing and it's overwhelming and it's mind-blowing. If someone really loved like that, it would change everything, wouldn't it?
When we begin to let Him into our hearts and our lives, it does change everything. Just like my friend, it is so hard for us to let go of the lies... maybe they are awful, but they are simple and familiar and don't require faith. Some days, I let the lies take over. I push out the Holy Spirit's voice and I turn to the lies of Satan, only to find that once again he falls short and leaves me feeling empty. But I have tasted what it's like to live in light of God's love. I know how amazing it feels to take steps in faith, trusting in His love and letting my identity in Him be my only identity. And there's no going back now.

Before and during Creation an image developed in my mind. Throughout my life I have moving towards God, my faith I know a gift from Him in and of itself. But for the past several years it's been more like stumbling towards Him. For a short while I will walk or even run, but then stumble and slowly resume the journey. This can't be a half-hearted run towards Him. Instead of slowly stumbling along, I want this to be a full-on sprint. Not because I am afraid of what is behind me, but because of how much I want what is before me. I'll still stumble and fall, but I don't want it to slow me down anymore. The greatness and complexity of God and His plan for salvation requires a full surrender from me. I have been set free from sin and there is nothing behind me that is strong enough to keep me from running towards God. In fact, He is beside me, guiding me and loving me along the way.

This post has been entirely disjointed and not articulated well, but that's okay. The title is to remind me of my main points: Tents-- it was at Creation that God re-touched my heart with the gospel and opened my eyes to truth about Him and life with Him. Tears-- to quote Tenth Avenue North, "we are free to struggle, hallelujah we aren't struggling to be free!" Testimonies-- God is at work in all of our lives, and our journeys are testimonies to His love :)
God is real, His love for you is real. He wants all of you like He wants all of me. He's complicated and He's worth everything we have to give and more. I want to run to Him, I want to dive into life with Him, and this is a public proclamation of my intentions! :)

Francis and Florida

Now is probably the only considerable amount of free time I'm going to have in the near future, so I thought it would be a good time to write. 

I did end up reading and finishing Francis Chan's take on heaven and hell, "Erasing Hell." I liked his perspective as much as, if not more than, Rob Bell's on the matter. Chan's respect for God, and His power to be and do whatever He wants, is refreshing. I think that while God can and does relate to us on a very human level, it's sometimes easy to let His nearness overshadow His greatness and power. The reason we can relate to God is because He is our Creator, and He fashioned each of us in His likeness, with pieces of His character woven into our hearts. But He is so much more than us... so much more complicated, powerful, good, just plain so much more. I like that Chan bases his conclusions on those truths. Chan also addressed the subject with both confidence and humility, something I consider an impressive feat! He concludes that hell is a real place, where real people will experience real and ongoing suffering. Much more definitive than Bell's conclusion, with a lot of exploration along the way to that conclusion. My thoughts remain the same as they were in my previous posts, but perhaps with an expanded view of God's character. Chan challenges us to ask ourselves not, "Do I feel like believing in a God who sends people to hell?" but instead "Could I believe in a God who sends people to hell?" Though a somewhat subtle difference, the two questions are quite distinct. I must develop the kind of faith that believes in a God outside of my ability to understand Him and His ways. I don't get to define Him and instruct Him, but I do get to seek Him and find Him. He is God, and in the end, whatever that may look like, I choose to trust that He will be all good, loving, powerful, and just in a way that only He can harmonize. 

I'm currently reading a book by Francis Chan about the Holy Spirit, and anticipate posting my thoughts on it after I finish it. :)

Next topic. I just got back from a lovely vacation in Florida with my family! It was loads of fun, filled with laughter and memories and adventures. While there, I realized for the millionth time this year how thankful I am for my family. We have our quirks, our share of spirited discussions and tense moments, but I can always count on them to care. And I know that that isn't something everyone can count on. I'm so thankful for them, because no matter what else is going on in my life, no matter what anyone else thinks of me, at the end of the day I have five amazing people who will always love me. And that is more amazing than I ever realized before... maybe it is that the brutal truth of how the real world works has been creeping into my rose-colored worldview, but I have previously undervalued the care and love my family gives to me. I have always been thankful, but now more than ever! As things change, and they constantly do, it is so comforting to know I have a handful of people who love me as near to unconditional as humans are capable of loving. And within that handful I count my family, along with a couple of outstanding friends. :)

I have also been considering a few other philosophical/personal topics, but I think this will do for now. In a few days I will head to Creation, which will no doubt fill me with plenty of thoughts to share! [That's a promise for a future blog post ;) ]

Questions: Of Heaven, Hell, and Hope [Pt. 2]

Well, I just finished the book ("Love Wins" by Rob Bell). And that will just have to suffice for an introduction.

Some people argue over whether "love wins" or "God wins"... those are actually two separate book titles that have come to represent two separate so-called camps of Christians. But God is love. He is the very definition of love, He embodies love. So when God wins, so does love. Or, when love wins, it's because love IS God, and He has won.

This book has really broadened my perspective/mindset on my own faith. It articulated some concepts that I think I've been buying into for some time without being able to aptly express them. I have always believed in a loving God. And I have never been comfortable with a God who would actively send people to hell, forever apart from Him. [I hasten here to point out that I need not be comfortable with God for Him to be true, or good, or right, or loving.]
Over the past few years I've become fond of the idea that real love brings freedom--in true love fear of rejection is banished, and a love that is real must be a love that has been chosen.
My beliefs about heaven and hell and the fate of mankind are not all easily explained, black and white, and concrete. Some are. There are things I believe to be true about God that I have been convinced of since elementary school, and continue to cling to and depend on. But my understanding of heaven and hell, and more importantly, my understanding of who God is and how He interacts with us as humans, are ever-developing. From page 175 of "Love Wins" until the end, I agree with the majority of what Rob Bell says. The God that Bell describes in these pages is the God that I am in love with... the God who has, and does, and always will love His people. The God who loves us enough to let us choose Him, and consequently, to also not choose Him.

I really enjoy two illustrations Bell uses at the end of the book. They spring from the well-known story of the prodigal son. Bell explains that in this story, are really three stories. There is the older son's story--what he believes about his father, himself, and the way their relationship works. This older son is separated from his father's love because he has a wrong understanding of how his father's love works. He thinks he can earn it, in fact he thinks he has earned it. He misses the truth that he never had to earn anything, that his father's love always has been and will continue to be given freely. His father loves him beyond a reason why, and there's nothing he can do to deserve that love or to drive it away. Then there's a younger son, and his story. This younger son is separated from his father's love because he, also, has a wrong understanding of how his father's love works. Instead of self-righteousness, his hang-up is that he feels unworthy. And he is. But his father disregards that, because in the same way that the father loves the older son beyond a reason why, so he freely loves the younger son. No amount of obedience increases his love for his sons, and no amount of disobedience can jeopardize his love for his sons.
This is how God loves us.
We, like the sons in this story, are left with a choice. Do we choose our version of the story? Or do we choose our Father's?
Do we trust in ourselves, or do we trust in our Father's love?
"You rewrote my name, and shackled my shame, and opened my eyes to see, I am free"--these are lyrics from a song called Liberty by Shane and Shane. God has rewritten our stories, setting us free from our own versions of our past.
We can all tell stories of the good and the bad we have lived through, the fantastic and awful things that have been done to us, and the wonderful and horrible things we have done ourselves. But God tells a different story about each of us. In His story, those things we have experienced and done still matter. They have real consequences and shape our world. But they are not what is most important, they do not define us or our fate. Only His love defines us. And we are given a choice that determines what our life will look like, now and later, and that choice is what we will do in response to God's love.
Which leads to the second illustration--the party. In the story, the father and both of his sons are at the party that the father is throwing. The one son is enjoying the party, rejoicing in his new-found life and trusting in his father's version of his story. The other son rejects the celebration, unable to relinquish his grip on his own version of who he is and how things should work.
Both sons are invited to the party, but the father lets them choose whether or not they participate and enjoy it. You can't force someone to participate in and enjoy a party... that's ridiculous. By definition, if it's forced enjoyment, it isn't really enjoyment. Forced love isn't really love.

God providing us with a choice in how we respond to His love isn't cold indifference. His love necessitates our freedom. Because if we didn't have a choice, it wouldn't be love, would it?

I don't know if there will come a day when every human will decide to join the party. I don't know if there is some point in the future at which the Holy Spirit will have been embraced in the hearts of every human being and we will all respond to God's love with trust and acceptance, participating in and enjoying His forever-fiesta.

Some people firmly believe that that day will come. Others argue heatedly that that day is impossible. I say we can't know whether or not that day will come, or whether or not it is even possible (see my last post). Because what matters is whether or not we choose to trust God's version of our story, and how we respond to His love for us.

When we surrender to a love so huge and so amazing it can only come from God, then things like worship, sharing our faith, serving others, and living lives filled with grace come more naturally. And we discover that our God doesn't need to be defended, because He's bigger and more powerful than that. And we discover we don't need to figure out who is "in" and who is "out," because life with Him is about SO much more than that. And we discover that people actually want to be a part of our lives and get to know our God, because He is just that great and that loving. And there's the hope!

Hope is found in realizing that Jesus doesn't rescue us from God, but that "God is the one who rescues us from death, sin, and destruction. God is the rescuer" (pg 182). Hope is found in giving up our version of our story, and embracing God's rewritten one. Hope is found in trusting in God's love. It's found in accepting His invitation, coming to His party, and celebrating with Him--living life His way because we know He wants only the absolute best for us. Hope is found in acknowledging that there is nothing you can do or say (or not do or not say) that could take away God's love for you (see Romans 8). Hope is found in responding to God's love with a loud, "Yes! I believe that you love me, and I love you too!"

Here are some words I find especially helpful from Bell's book:
"To reject God's grace, to turn from God's love, to resist God's telling, will lead to misery. It is a form of punishment, all on its own.
This is an important distinction, because in talking about what God is like, we cannot avoid the realities of God's very essence, which is love. It can be resisted and rejected and denied and avoided, and that will bring another reality. Now, and then.
We are that free.
When people say they're tired of hearing about 'sin' and 'judgement' and 'condemnation,' it's often because those have been confused for them with the nature of God. God has no desire to inflict pain or agony on anyone.
God extends an invitation to us, and we are free to do with it as we please.
Saying yes will take us in one direction; saying no will take us in another.
God is love, and to refuse this love moves us away from it, in the other direction, and that will, by very definition, be an increasingly unloving, hellish reality.
We do ourselves great harm when we confuse the very essence of God, which is love, with the very real consequences of rejecting and resisting that love, which creates what we call hell" (pg 176-177).

I don't agree with everything Bell says in his book, but I don't agree with everything any Christian says, if I listen long enough. :P I do appreciate much of what he has to say about the nature of heaven, the nature of hell, and the nature of God. I plan to continue searching, learning, and growing as I keep getting to know God; and the more I find of God the more I realize how much more there is to explore! He is bigger than I will ever understand, and heaven, hell and salvation are more than I thought they were before (and I trust more than I understand now, as well).

Salvation is so much more than just going to heaven and avoiding hell at the end of your life. Salvation is an invitation to live life enjoying God's love for you--being constantly freed from sin, death and destruction and learning how to live in purity, joy, and grace. Like Bell explains, "Jesus calls disciples to keep entering into this shared life of peace and joy as it transforms our hearts, until it's the most natural way to live that we can imagine. Until it's second nature. Until we naturally embody and practice the kind of attitudes and actions that will go on in the age to come. A discussion about how to 'just get into heaven' has no place in the life of a disciple of Jesus because it's missing the point of it all" (pg 179).

You see, the good news IS for all people. Will everyone accept their invitation to the party, someday? I don't know. While the answer to that question is a fascinating mystery, one worth thinking about, it can't be our focus. God is about us living in His love NOW. God wins, and love wins, because God's love defeated death, symbolized by Jesus' death on the cross and His resurrection. It's more than a ticket, more than a life-raft. He rescued us with a purpose. To invite us into mind-blowing-ly awesome life. Life that is real and full of Him. A life in which we can join Him in His mission of bringing heaven to earth by living as people who are overflowing with His love.
Now that is some pretty great news. :)

Questions: Of Heaven, Hell, and Hope [Pt. 1]

Ah, dear reader, prepare yourself for something incredibly long-winded, confusing, and full of disclaimers and loose ends.

I started reading "Love Wins" by Rob Bell today and have been really challenged by it. I do not agree with every conclusion he makes. Having said that, his book has broadened my perspective, caused me to think about deep questions, and most importantly has pointed me to Jesus and pushed me towards exploring Him. Because I have many thoughts and fear that in the process of forcing them into coherency I may lose some before they can be captured in type, I'll not attempt to organize. Perhaps before I post this I can rearrange them, but if I never muster the momentum to do so, have fun ;)

[Insert disclaimer here about Rob Bell and you reading on whether you judge or admire him. On a very related note, his book "Sex.God." is one of the most influential books I have ever read and I highly recommend it.]

~~~

When I was in Earth Science class during my sophomore year of high school, we were studying stars, the cosmos, and theories about the origin of the universe. Dense stuff for high school-ers to wade through. A classmate asked me how I could believe that God created the whole universe, and why I chose to believe that He intentionally created everything-- instead of believing that the Big Bang or some other incident coincidentally caused the forming of the earth and everything on it. He raised the classic question of "faith" or "science"? I attempted to articulate that faith and science are not two separate, incongruous ideas. (Although I doubt I knew that word at the time.) I don't remember everything I said, but I remember saying something to the effect of: There is no one alive today who was alive at the beginning of time as we know it. There are no first-hand accounts, no clear empirical evidence that leaves room for only one interpretation, no definite answers. So we all have to choose faith. Whether you place your faith in a theory involving God or not, it's faith. It's believing in something you can't see and can't prove to someone else.

The reason I include this story is that I believe a similar thing to be true of the end of time as we know it to what I believe to be true of the beginning of time as we know it. I want to emphasize that phrase "as we know it." I believe that before the creation of the earth and before we as humans were created by God, God existed. And time as we know it isn't all there is, that's for sure. I believe God exists outside of our idea of time, in another realm that is not bound to time and space as we understand them. But back to that similar thing that is true... no human is able to determine without a doubt what heaven and hell look like. Because no one has been there, whether "there" is a time or a place or a realm or whatever, and come back to deliver irrefutable empirical evidence along with their firsthand account. Furthermore, no one can rightfully claim that so-and-so is definitely in heaven, or definitely in hell.

Which is why I am bothered by conclusions that go against that reality. I'm bothered by people who think they can know the heart of others and decide whether or not a specific person is going to heaven or not. Which means I am bothered by a prior me, of course.

Heaven and hell are more than what I thought they were when I was a kid. Heaven is more than Christians playing harps as we float on clouds in white robes. And hell is more than fire and demons and torture. (And people and their hearts and God and his heart are more dynamic and less easily defined than I thought.)

So if no one can really know for sure what and where and when is heaven, is hell, and both ideas are complex and messy, are they ideas worth wrestling with? I say yes.
Not everything about heaven and hell can we figure out and define clearly. I think we can get at the nature of heaven and hell. I think we can be secure in our standing with God. I think we can, through seeking, find and understand more of God than we knew before. We won't ever know all the answers, but tough questions are worth asking.

I haven't yet finished "Love Wins" and also am beginning to misspell my sixth grade vocabulary words at this hour. Besides, my thoughts are like water poured down a hill covered in rocks--one thought encounters a rock in its path and so rolls off to the left, yet another travels up and over the rock, and a third rolls off to the right of the rock, and a fourth to the left but at a different angle than the first...and so forth. Many directions. :P So I suppose this topic will stretch across at least one more post.

The Church, A Story, and A Wedding

I need a place to spew all of my thoughts from this morning, so here goes nothing. I'm frustrated with the way my church as a whole seems to be operating right now, and the way it/they/we seem to have been operating for some time. In my limited perspective into the decisions made by leadership in the church, it appears that finances, politics, and a lack of love have infiltrated what should be a place for believers to gather, worship, and reach out to the community. Decisions continue to be made that seem to be not only unwise, but also ungodly, unloving, and inconsistent with how I believe Jesus-followers should act. Although I disagree with numerous changes that leaders in the church have made, I'd prefer to believe that these changes are being made with the best intentions. Even granting the leaders the best intentions, the way they are going about these changes is poorly reflecting God's exhortations of humility, kindness, and building one another up. And while I am attempting to keep myself from demonstrating a similar lack of grace to what I believe the church has been and is now demonstrating, I admit it is difficult to do so. I am trying, here, where my words are published and public, to present my thoughts in a humble and gracious way. (If I don't, my advice/rebuke/dissatisfaction merits being discounted.) I could continue on expressing my concerns and I dare say perhaps anger in more certain and expanded terms, but the real crux of the issue is this: they, we, the church, is missing something. I think we're missing out on living in the ocean of God's love. This morning the pastor who spoke touched on the fact that our actions should come from an overflow of God in our heart, not only affecting what we think and what we believe but also how we live our lives. So the most likely explanation, in my opinion, for church leadership visions gone awry and a seeming apparent lack of grace's and love's involvement in decisions towards others is a lack of God in people's hearts. If they/we/the church were/was so saturated to the point of overflowing with God in their/our hearts, then our lives would look radically different! This church would handle things differently, I am convinced, if its leaders were more filled with Christ. Before I am struck by lightning for what I just typed, let me share that MY own life would look radically different, I myself would handle things very differently, if I were more filled with Christ.

I suppose my conclusions about the problems with the church, specifically the one I attend here at home on Sunday mornings, are not earth-shattering or complicated. This church is making poor decisions and presenting a diminishing message of who God is for the very same reason I make poor decisions and misrepresent Him too--we are not being filled to the point of overflowing by God. Let me make myself clear, this is no fault of God's. I picture Him standing over each of us, poised with a jar of everything good--patience, kindness, goodness, love, humility, peace, forgiveness, etc.-- ready to pour Himself into our hearts. Yet we try to fill ourselves up with things other than Him, chasing after the false, the temporary, the ungodly. And it is the evidence of this that is shown when we fall short. When the church doesn't look like it is living out God's love, when church leaders act seemingly without grace, when I respond to God and others with selfishness--it is an indication of a lack of God inside our hearts.

In my last post I traveled through the manifold of emotions involved in running away from God, realizing that, and coming back to Him. I think we do this all the time, in small and big ways. But I promise I'm done being depressing now and I'm finished pointing out what is wrong. Just because we mess up majorly doesn't mean all is lost--this is not a performance, it's a relationship, and thankfully one that, because God is the other person in the relationship, entails never-ending amounts of mercy and grace! :) Now I want to talk about what it looks like when we do it right... how living in closeness with God can and should look.

This morning in church we sang a song that describes the gospel and the story of the world in a creative, beautiful way. The song is called "Holy (Wedding Day)" by The City Harmonic. To me, it expresses well how our lives should look. Can people tell what our story is all about from the way we are living our lives? Our story is about a holy God-groom who loves His people-bride; it is the story of a perfect God's loving rescue of His sinful people that culminates in a wedding-celebration; it is the story of God's kingdom coming to Earth, how He defeated death and how, in His power, we as His people are defeating death, too. Well here, I'll let the music say it better than I can :)

"This is the story of the Son of God
Hanging on the cross for me
But it ends with a bride and groom
And a wedding by a glassy sea
O death where is your sting
Cause I'll be there singing
Holy Holy Holy
Is the Lord

This is the story of a bride in white
Waiting on her wedding day
Anticipation welling up inside
While the groom is crowned as king
O death where is your sting
Cause we'll be there singing
Holy Holy Holy is the Lord

Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy
Is the Lord Almighty
Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy
Is the Lord Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
Who was and is and is to come

This is the story of the Son of God
Hanging on the cross for me
And it ends with a bride and groom
And a wedding by a glassy sea

This is the story of the a bride in white
Singing on her wedding day

Of the God who was and is to stand before a bride who sings
Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty"

I'm still figuring out exactly what it looks like to daily surrender myself to my loving God. I am continually learning that He is the only one who deserves my heart, that His love is the only thing that can fulfill me, and that I am happiest when I'm close to Him--because that's how He created me to live, in constant closeness to Him. I have every reason to follow Him wherever He leads me. He has proven His faithfulness and His goodness. He is a relentless Lover and a powerful King, both Servant and Savior. I think I've said this before, but I'll never run out of God to keep exploring. I think that the more I learn to open up and receive His love, letting Him pour Himself/goodness into my heart, the more that my life will reflect Him. The more time I spend getting to know Him, and just with Him, the more I'll resemble Him, and more goodness will flow through my thoughts, beliefs, and life. 

It sounds so simple and I know it's not. Well, maybe it is simple, just not easy. Definitely not easy. If it were easy, then I would have it down, my church leaders would have it down, and the church throughout the world would be a better picture of God's love. But the mess and the beauty of the situation is that God chose His bride to be a people who are broken and in need of Him everyday. So this won't be a one chapter kind of story... this is an epic journey, a forever story, filled with battles and banquets, wounds and worship, all. The plus side is that we know how the story ends. It ends in us being united with God--His love wins in the end, and death is defeated and we are saved! I don't think we need to wait until then to keep learning how to better love God back. 

I suppose this is like a continuation of my last post... when you get frustrated with yourself, your church, the church as whole, it's okay and it's good and it's necessary to figure out what is going wrong. Are you running away from God? Are you trying to fill yourself up with things other than Him? Are you letting His love flow through you and into each of your decisions? Once you've asked hard questions and confronted issues as you come back to God from whatever state you have found yourself in, take a deep breath and know that this is not the end of the story. Realize that God loves us in all of our failure and plans to keep loving us forever. Realize that this is the story "Of the God who was and is to stand before a bride who sings... Holy Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty"! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3oLqAmXc-c Holy (Wedding Day) by The City Harmonic

Running Away and Coming Back

Well this may be a bit more serious than most of happy posts. Insert disclaimers here about how I lead an incredibly blessed life and how I am very thankful for everything and everyone in it.

Lyrics to the song "Empty My Hands" by Tenth Avenue North are running through my head right now, specifically this part--" Cause my mind is like a building burning down, I need Your grace to keep me, Well keep me from the ground, My heart is just a prisoner of war, A slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for, So won't You…// So empty my hands, Fill up my heart, Capture my mind with You, Oh, empty my hands, Fill up my heart, Capture my mind with You, With You" 

I love this song, and I have since I discovered it earlier this year. I feel like the words are the words of my prayers lately, which is why they have been running through my mind. You see, I'm caught in that terrible place where I want to be in love with God, I want to be desiring Him and pursuing Him in every area of my life, and I know in my head and can recite well all the reasons why I should be surrendering everything to Him, but--the awful but-- the details of my life simply aren't adding up to reflect the lovely list in the first half of this sentence. There's this war going on, and I love Him, but I'm not loving Him well. If love is a verb (it is), then I am slacking in acting it out (I am). I can't even claim that I don't know what's holding me back, or that I don't understand this phenomenon, because I do. I have identified the things that are holding me back from an intimate relationship with God, I have confessed of them and prayed about them and made resolution after resolution, read biblical book after book, written out verse after verse, and yet I continue to fall back into the position of slacker. Well, not even just slacker. It's worse than that...it's the lover who runs to Him, and then runs away the next day to another's house, and then runs back claiming I've learned and want to try again, only to leave again the next day. I know I don't have to be perfect at loving God back--He bought my life with blood so that I would be able to belong to Him regardless of how I fall short of deserving that relationship with Him. But I am not living in the joy, freedom, and peace that I can lay claim to when I'm in a relationship with God! And I could be, I can be. Life with Him can be so much more than this. I'm not embracing the real life that He has for me. 

At least, I wasn't for most of today. And for many days. But between when I started writing this post and now, I talked out my frustrations with two of my closest friends and also with God... I had a mini breakdown which involved crying out to God about what's going on inside my head and my heart. I told Him about the mess of my job, license, and car situation. I told Him about my anger over my lack of resolve, and my fears about my future, and my unhappiness with certain parts of my now. I asked Him to come get me from the place that I was in, and realizing I sounded like a little kid, amended my request, asking Him to help me to come to Him from where I was. I listened to another amazing song, "Rest," by Nevertheless. It's kind of my go-to for when I need to turn myself around and run back into the Jesus' arms again. How miserable I was tonight may actually be a sign of how much I truly want to be close with God. If I didn't desire Him, then I wouldn't have been so upset about feeling far away from Him. Huh. While freaking out over stuff tonight wasn't fun, I think it was a good learning experience for me. Whenever I run away from Him, or even drift away from Him, sin, insecurity, doubt, worry, and a poor view of myself rush in. But when I run TO Him, even with all sorts of needs and problems, forgiveness, security, strength, peace, and the truth of who I am in Him invade. 

Sometimes I get frustrated with my human self for not constantly running to God. It feels amazing to be close to Him, to be listening for His voice and seeing life through God-tinted lenses. Why in the world would I ever move away from that?? I don't have a great answer, but I think it must be because 1) I'm still a human living here on earth and 2) He lets us choose Him. A love that is chosen and not forced is beautiful... I kind of think that while me running away from Him makes Him sad, He's overjoyed to welcome me each time I choose Him again. 

Do you have one of those friends who is super great, but people who don't know him/her have an inaccurate picture of him/her, and don't see your friend the way that you do? Have you ever said, "If you would just spend time with him/her, you'd see!" ? 

I think that's how it works with God. I don't need to mentally convince myself into loving Him more--that wouldn't work anyways, because it would just all be a false front with no real affection or bond. But He is awesome. And all it takes for me to be thoroughly convinced of this is to spend time with Him. Just being with Him, in His presence, I'm reminded of who He is and why I love Him so much. Maybe the remedy for repairing and strengthening my relationship with God is similar to how I would improve any other relationship: we need to communicate, and we need to spend time together, getting to know each other even better than before. God already knows me inside and out, but I will never run out of Him to get to know :) I'm glad He takes me back. I'm glad He answers my prayers for Him to draw close to me. 

This is the one relationship in my life where I need to work on being more clingy, needy, and dependent. Isn't that a funny thought? :) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fWUzs6kT1g (Empty My Hands)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGSvM6I6wiM (Rest)

Freshman Year Reflection: the Heart and Happy Valley

Hmmm... I suppose now would be a good time to start that reflection post that I was so eager to write earlier. Funny how, now that I'm done, it seems harder to gain momentum enough to organize my thoughts on the past two semesters. I'll make no promises for brevity on this one--in fact, consider this line my apology in advance for what may be a very long entry.

I posted a note on Facebook over the summer called "If My Heart Was a House You'd Be Home" (https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150259602626520). In it, I enumerated my hopes and goals for my freshman year of college. I made both good decisions and mistakes, as predicted. Though, I'd like to think, more of the former than the latter. :P I have changed...and there are parts of me that I have yet to tackle with the intent of changing them and still other parts which I do not intend to change and have held onto. I hope I have made a difference. When I switched schools after my freshman year in high school I made the mistake of not truly expecting to invest in other people's lives on a personal level; in going off to college I made up my mind to be intentional about making and building relationships. And I have done so--of course I'm not perfect and have fallen short in friendships (see two posts ago!), but I have been intentional about being a part of other's lives. Many of my friendships surprised even me as they grew quickly into some of the most important relationships in my life...friends I have met only months ago are now integral to my life, as I turn to them for laughter, for advice, for support, for fellowship, for companionship. Two of my teachers in particular challenged me as a writer, one for a comparative literature course in the fall and one for English 030 in the spring. My knowledge of psychology is (and forever will be) far from infinite, but I have learned an array of fascinating facts and phenomena through two psychology courses and indirectly through communication and human development courses. In my FB note I also stated, " I want to learn more about how to love, how to be loved, and how to share God's love with a world that so desperately needs to feel that love." This is surely an ongoing process, one I don't want to ever finish. But yes, I do believe I have made strides, or maybe more accurately steps, in the direction of better giving, accepting, and sharing love. This has been inextricably linked to the lovely new friends I referenced above, as well as to my relationships with "old" friends and family. I have taken risks for love this year, and I have also begun to better care for the house that is my heart. A couple of my new friends have seen rooms in disarray and have helped me to maintain my heart, and a few have come through the front door to my heart and already left. (Perhaps to return someday, perhaps not. My open-door policy analogy remains.) I even think I've been invited inside the heart-homes of others, a joy that may well be unequaled by anything else in the realm of relationships.
In closing the note, I exclaimed that I could not wait to learn and to love, and I have definitely both learned and loved! So, on the deep level of what is truly important (aside from GPA and credits accumulated), my freshman year can be considered a resounding success.

Ah, what an adventure this first year of college has been! In some ways, I do feel older and more experienced in this thing called life. In other ways, I feel as much a little kid in need of guidance and direction as I did before I left. My parents are embracing this transitional stage of life exceptionally well, and I cannot thank them enough for their simultaneous generous support and freedom--though I will endeavor to continue to thank them! I could rant about how much they mean to me, how well they have handled this and are handling me, but I'm not convinced that words would do justice. It must suffice to say I am extremely grateful. I hesitate to say what I want to say next, but I'll add a disclaimer first: I know the change of going away to college is a very difficult one for most people, riddled with tough questions and even tougher adjustments. I have watched friends dive into college headfirst and then hit obstacles, I have seen friends cautiously dip their toes in the water and slowly wade in, etc.--everyone has their own style of approaching such a major life change. I'm not sure what approach I took, and if forced to describe my technique I think the closest approximation would be a dizzying balancing act between diving in too fast and trying to stay close enough to the shore. Whatever the case, I transitioned well. There were bumps along the way--problems I didn't expect to need to confront, setbacks I didn't anticipate encountering--but I am no worse for the wear. On the contrary, I feel better for it.
To quote a friend, upon packing up to come back to Hershey and live in my family's home for the summer, I thought to myself, "Am I leaving home or coming home?" It's an odd thing, to feel that you've bonded to a geographical location. [Heads up, here comes a tangent.] You know how the verbs saber and conocer in Spanish differ in meaning/usage? Well, you use one for facts and information that you know (saber) and one for people and places that you know (conocer). It always struck me as a little funny that you could know a place personally enough to consider it alongside people that you know. Like, "State College, I was pleased to meet you!" Or, "I was fortunate to make the acquaintance of the lovely State College this past year." Yeah, that seems a bit weird. Although the wording is strange, both of those statements are pretty true. Of course it isn't the innate qualities of the town that give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside, but it's the combination of the friends and memories I have made there, the way the sun shines through the trees, the pathways I've walked around campus, the flowers I've watched die and bloom again, the whole process of getting to know the area (which is definitely not yet complete!). But I'll miss Happy Valley, I know that.

In the past two semesters I have witnessed a devastating scandal involving individuals affiliated with my university, and also the power of hope and light to overcome darkness when people join together in solidarity to stand for what is right and in support of those who have been wronged (or even allegedly wronged, to be politically/legally correct here). I have witnessed the astounding success of another year of THON, a beacon of strength and hope for families affected by cancer that continues to shine brighter and brighter year after year, despite--and perhaps to spite-- the evils of disease and darkness in this world. I have witnessed great growth in the perspective and personal lives of friends. I have witnessed my family learn together and continue to strengthen bonds with each other. I have witnessed the foundations being built, and built upon, for what I believe will be friendships that will remain important to me for the rest of my life. I have witnessed the pervasive work of God through any and all circumstances, and in my own heart and life. And still more. :)

In the fall when I return to State College, it will be with even more excitement than I had last fall. And, I'm fairly certain, much less anxiety. No matter what the year ahead holds, I have a community there. I know people. :P I have my friends, Navs, and New Hope Church, and I will look forward to having those experiences with community again.
I cannot successfully convey my contentment with my decision to attend Penn State. For a million reasons, I made the right decision, or better yet, God led me/placed me/has used me there. The people I've met have been the best part of the journey thus far!
I'm going to be present wherever I am this summer. I am going to enjoy this summer, and I have a list of goals for the summer ranging from books to read to personal growth (and beginning with a certain achievement about which those closer to me know!). I am already loving being able to spend time with my family and my dog, and can't wait to catch up with some friends from high school.
So I do not plan to overlook or wish away this summer, not at all! But when the fall season rolls around again, I will look forward to transitioning once more. And, the whole point of post--my first year of college was as incredible and growth-inspiring as is humanly possible, and I can't say thank you to God, my family, and my friends enough for the fact that they are largely what makes that statement true.

Taylor Swift and Time

So for a couple of reasons I've been listening to Taylor Swift's music a lot over the past few days. I love how she sings about her life so honestly. You can take whatever position on her and her music that you'd like to, and I'm not saying I'm her number one fan or anything. What I am saying...back to that. Every time I listen to her music it makes me want to write my own--about my own life, my own friends, my own feelings. And so I did :)
It's nothing stellar, and I doubt it will ever make it past my song/poems lyric book, but it helped me nonetheless. Writing and music are two therapeutic things, so why not combine them? I love it :D Even if no one will ever hear any of my songs or read any of my poems, they help me transform my thoughts into something akin to art, and provide for tons of entertainment and reflection when I read them later on down the road.

Anywho, unfortunately now is not an opportune time to be nostalgic and artsy, with the end of the semester--along with my dreaded five finals--rapidly approaching. In about 10 days, I'll be two hours from here, adjusting to living at home for the summer. Weird. Exciting and happy and weird.

Of course as the semester ends I begin to look back not only on this semester but also on my whole first year as a freshman in college. What an incredible journey it has been! But I promised myself I'd wait to write my "looking back" post until after finals, so I'll stick to that. I plan to write extensively on the subject in a couple of weeks. :)

So... take away message for you, reader? I suppose it would be one of two things: 1) Be inspired by others. Even if what you create is nothing to display, it might help you to make sense of what you're thinking and feeling. 2) Make time to look back. It can be so encouraging to see how far you've come, what God has done in your life, and what you've learned (whether through easy or difficult circumstances, it will still be valuable). :)
And now back to studying!

Caring, Rambling, and Reassurance

Before I resign myself to continuing my satire rough draft for English, which will probably be rather time-consuming, I'll chronicle a few of my recent thoughts here.
I think that my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness, in that when I care, I CARE. When I meet someone and become attached to them and begin a friendship with them, I don't just care halfway... Which is usually good. At the same time, I have to learn how to give them space. And while I'd like to think I've come light-years from where I was in middle school, or even last year, with maintaining this balance of loving like crazy and being patient and reasonable and rational and healthy at the same time, I know I'm not finished learning.
Some days the learning process is fun, even exciting, as I notice myself improving in different areas of relating to people. Other days, it's just annoying that I'm not perfect at it, yet, and far more annoying to realize that I never will be perfect at it. I've always been a bit of an oddball; introspection and analyzing the crap out of everything seem to come naturally to me. When I was in middle school and beginning to realize that I would never be the best at anything--someone was always smarter, faster, prettier, more fun, more skilled, more interesting, just plain better--I decided to rationalize in my head that this was okay. I decided I didn't have to be the best at any of the things that other people were so darned good at. At the end of the day, who really cares if you're a great athlete, great student, great looking, great at this or that, if you don't give back to others? You see, some of this is a bit rational. I took inventory and realized the one thing that I was fairly skilled at was talking to other people, helping them out when they had a problem, and caring for them when they needed to feel cared for. So I decided that would be my goal, my skill, my spiritual gift, my niche, my thing. I would be the best friend anyone could ever dream of, a better friend than anyone could ask for, I would love like nobody's business.
This is a super worthwhile pursuit, and on the surface and in those words, still pretty true of me. But this is different than those other things that people become good at and are admired for. Because with this thing, this goal of being the best friend ever, there are no record times to beat, there are no benchmarks to say who is better and who is best. And there shouldn't be, either. But it's something that is hard to measure. And it's also something I can't pursue just for my own sake. Because if I only want to be a great friend so that I can be called a great friend, then right then I have become NOT a great friend, by being selfish and putting myself first and missing the whole point. So this is tricky business.
It can't be this thing to be attained or achieved. Not anymore. It can still be my quest, but only for the sake of others, and for the sake of Christ.
And now we circle back around to where I began...caring deeply. There are things that, as a friend, even the bestest friend you've ever seen, I can't do for other people. There are hurts that only God can heal, there are thoughts that only He can see, there are songs of the heart that only He can understand...more than all of that, there are pasts that only He can know, and there are futures that only He can see, and there are present's where only He can be. I have to be okay with the fact that my love only goes so far. And then, the hardest part, I have to trust my God to take care of my friends. I have to trust that even though they are going through what seems like unending darkness, He is there, in all His brilliant light, watching and protecting and understanding and caring and loving and shining.

So I've rambled on for quite some time now, mostly about myself. But this is really about YOU. God LOVES you, more than you know, I promise. When I look at how much I love a friend, and sometimes that feels like a whole heck of a lot--I cry for them, I pray for them, and I can't imagine caring any more than I do--I can't help but have my mind blown by the fact that no matter how much I care, God cares infinitely more. That's a lot, times... times God. :) Which means that wherever you are, whatever you are going through, no matter what your past looks like, what your now feels like, and how scary or unclear your future may seem, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are loved. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, beyond a reason why. You're loved beyond my capability to love, beyond both of our understandings of love. And that should reassure us both. :)

PS- Listen to the song "Not Alone" by Red, and really soak in the lyrics.

Women, Water Painting, and Wonder

My weekend was amazing. I feel so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such a great community! This weekend was women's weekend with the Navigators here at Penn State, and it was a super wonderful experience. :) I'm not sure that words can do justice to all the thoughts swirling in my head, but I'll do my best to place a snapshot on here. (Yes, that was a mixed metaphor, I use them often).
For the first time, that I can remember, this was a retreat at which a deep message about surrendering sin and brokenness to God was more encouraging than it was convicting for me. Yes, I was "convicted" of things, as should probably usually occur whenever I draw near to some One who is perfect. But my biggest, overwhelming feeling was not conviction, but rather encouragement. I felt full of hope, freedom, contentment, confidence, strength, and peace. Because while I have a long journey ahead in order to work through some things in my life, I have begun that journey. Surrendering to God is something I am working on, daily, and while I'm not perfect, I am beginning to learn how to let Him take it--let Him take me. And it's lovely.
The only times I ever really win are when I give up, when I look around and see that I can't fight all of the darkness in this world and realize that my only choice is surrender. But in surrender lies another choice--to whom, to what, will I surrender? There is more than one option here. I am choosing God. I am choosing to surrender to Him, so that this year will not be the year that I am finally put together and have everything under control, but that this year will be the year that I am finally learning to let God take it all, to live in His freedom and trust that He has a plan and HE really does have everything under control.
I know this sounds horribly optimistic, and it is. I know I'll still mess up, fall down, and fail disastrously before my time here on earth is up. But it's okay, it's all going to be okay. Because the God who can not be defeated by death, the God who could not be held captive by the grave, the God whose love is stronger than any force underneath, upon, or over the earth--that God!--is the One who desperately wants my heart. That just blows my mind. When I allow that to sink in, it makes me giddy. It makes the darkness seem laughable. It makes captivity appear the shadow that it really is. The world, more specifically Satan in the world, tries to shut out all of this light-bringing truth, this brilliant and unrelenting love that ushers in hope and freedom. Because the instant we let the light touch our hearts and embrace it, darkness has no place. We begin to really live. I'll bet Satan is terrified of me, and many others who experienced similar reminders this weekend, right now. :)
Ah, Light. You are so welcome to come illuminate my heart, my life. Facing and walking through the darkness is scary...and dealing with the things that hold me back from all the wonderfulness is anything but easy. But it's so worth it. I'm not alone, YOU'RE not alone, because we have each other and better yet we have Light Himself. There are so many thoughts I have from this weekend, but realize this:

Like in the water painting I attempted to create yesterday, above the rough sand, above the waves tossing to and fro, violently churning and overturning is something even more relentless--and that is Light. The Son continues to shine, spreading warmth, and with Him comes little birds of hope that never stop singing. So look, and listen, and breathe. And let the Light into your heart, let it bring hope and freedom and wonder. :)

Camp Rock, Psych Class, and a Wooden Bird

"This is real, this is me!"
Yes, that is a quote from the lyrics of a song from the first Camp Rock, and as they say, haters gon' hate. :P
It's sung rather well by Demi Lovato, of whom I am a loyal fan. The song talks about Mitchie discovering and defining who she is. She is addressing her self concept--which is what I will attempt to discuss here (not the self concept of the character Mitchie, but the idea of a self concept in general, that is).
In hopes of returning to reading for the subject which gave rise to these musings, I will attempt to keep this post short. (Famous last words.) Today in Psych class, my professor was lecturing on the concept of the self, and its relevance to personality. He made a few comments which struck me; although they are somewhat common sense, their implications can be profound.
The first was that within close personal relationships, our concept of our self is shaped and changed according to the characteristics of the other person in the relationship. In quantifiable terms, when some aspect of the other person is flashed across a screen, an aspect/characteristic of our friend which we do not share, we take a longer amount of time to respond to the word, saying that it does not describe us, then we do to respond to a trait that does not describe us or our friend. In other words--we are slower to differentiate whether the trait is us/not us when it describes someone we are close to. This implies that our concept of our self literally begins to become muddled with our concepts of those we are close to. In a previous post I referred to pieces of me that I feel I have "accrued" from friends, but I never considered that this was a measurable phenomenon. Apparently, it's scientifically proven that our friends impact how we think about ourselves. Go figure. And it stands to reason that the closer the relationship is, the more overlap appears on implicit and explicit measures of self. There are nearly countless sayings expanding on this general idea: "show me your friends and I'll show you your future," is the basic format. According to statistics, the highest predictor that someone will use drugs is that his/her friends use drugs. It's a common occurrence that friends who spend lots of time together not only grow closer to each other but also begin to talk, act, and think like each other. Our friends "rub off" on us. Scientifically speaking, our self concept begins to merge with our concept of our close friends, and over time and as the bond strengthens, we become more and more like our close friends. Fascinating. :)
The second was that a person's idea of self is a complex psychological idea. As my professor commented, every cell in your body today is different now than it was when you were ten. The things that you, specifically you, have lived through have affected the way you view the world and think about yourself. You're biologically and psychologically different, but there is still some sense of unity between your ten-year-old self, and your now self. There is some strong sense that it was you who went through those changes. Our autobiographical memory manifests itself around four years of age, so for most of your life you have had an actively changing concept of yourself.

"Who are you?" can seem like a simple question. But sometimes figuring out what makes you, you, is more complicated than it sounds. Most people freeze, or flounder at best, when asked, "Tell me something about yourself?" Even in ice breakers, we self-consciously weigh which information we should relay to the group, because we realize that it helps for others to pinpoint just who we are.

What really makes someone who he/she is?

At some level, behaviors indicate the type of person someone is. How people act tells us something about who they are. But that's just it...it only tells us something. People are so much more than what they do, or even how they see themselves. I'm not sure I can put into words, at least not succinctly, how I view a person's identity. People are not only what they do. People are not only how they feel. Who we are involves who we have been, who we are, and where we want to be. Our identity includes not only what we do and how we feel, but also what we want to do, plan to do, how we want to feel, and how we want to make others feel. And that list could keep on growing. [Prepare yourself for some spaghetti-brain-ness here.]
My own concept of myself is growing. I think college is a natural time for this, and it isn't a process I'm resisting (on most/good days). I'm asking myself the deep questions, and attempting to answer them in a satisfactory manner. Who am I? Am I who I want to be? Am I where I want to be, and headed where I want to go? If I'm not who I want to be, or not where I want to be, then what steps do I need to take to create change?
Defining, and redefining, myself is both ongoing and exciting. I like that I have a certain amount of control over who I am. I like that I'm not finished becoming me yet. There are some parts of me that will probably never change, including both strengths and weaknesses. There are some parts of me that I think are in the midst of change right now. At least I'm praying. :) And this change is truly a process--it lengthy and while it can involve effort, much of it does not. With God in the picture, more accurately, in my heart, sometimes all it takes to create change in me is to surrender to what He's doing in me. :)
I'll leave this longer-than-anticipated post with a small anecdote from a speaker I heard at Creation a few summers ago. Imagine that God is the Great Carpenter, and you are a piece of wood, destined to become a beautiful wooden bird. The Great Carpenter does not add to the wood, instead He begins with a shapeless block and slowly chips away the parts that aren't the bird. Let God remove the parts that aren't the bird. :)

So what do a Camp Rock song, Psych class lectures, and a wooden bird have in common? The idea of self, the concept of identity. It's complicated, and it changes, and only God can help us become who we are designed to be. The end. :)

Nicole Helbig and Reminiscence

     In naming this blog, it brought to mind a paper I wrote for an English class my junior year in high school. The assignment was fairly vague and informal--we were to choose a painting with which we identified in some way, and then write about it. We were to integrate details of the painting into our paper and communicate to a reader what we felt the message of the painting was for us personally. This is not, by far, the best specimen of my writing, and it could use some revision if I unearth the energy or need to revise it at some point. But for now, I'll share it "as is." I'll include a picture of the painting; feel free to take from it whichever message it seems to speak to you. I firmly believe that art of any form can speak volumes, and this is just one of many masterpieces that has influenced me.
     When I found this painting, I was going through a rough time. I was in the midst of a complicated conflict with my best friend--we were making each other miserable and tried in vain to settle on either a clear cause or easy solution. Besides that, I was juggling some difficult classes and the general weight of my impending decisions about my future, namely college and career choices. To add to those common stressors is the even more common phenomenon of simply being a moody high school student, with emotions so varied and so intense that at times I felt I was only along for the crazy ride. I still feel things deeply, but I feel I have mellowed out quite a bit, and can happily report that the majority of the time I feel collected, even content. I don't mean to jinx myself here, and I should insert a disclaimer that I am far from "put-together." I have serious growing left to do, am in the midst of redefining pieces of who I am and how I treat myself and other people, and still find myself struggling through dialectical tensions at times. (For those of you not hopelessly in love with interpersonal-communication-scholars terms, or just to clarify what I mean, dialectical tensions: the natural attempt to balance ideas/concepts that are opposite or complimentary, for instance autonomy and interdependence, intimacy and privacy, etc). I digress--for the most part I feel the roller coaster has settled down, changing tracks from the Great Bear to the Sidewinder, for all you who are Hershey-Park-happy. I am thrilled and inexplicably thankful that my above mentioned friend remains one of the few people on earth that I can and do count on to care about and for me unconditionally. As to my future plans, they are a bit like one of those fancy shower doors at the moment, where there is some semblance of clarity but really it is all blurred out. Weird analogy. I know what I want to do with my life, even if all the steps along the pathway are not yet clear. Everyday I am reassured that I made the right decision in which college to attend, and which major to pursue; I know so many cannot claim this confidence, and I realize how truly lucky I am!
     And now that I have successfully rambled on about my life, then and now, here's the paper and the painting:

"“Come to Me”

2009 Nicole Helbig
Acrylics on Canvas
120 x 100 cm
Painting of lady outstretched hand with canary bird.

The painting depicts a young girl seated on a small bench, surrounded by swirling hues of deep colors in shades of bright blues, deep purples and vibrant yellows. Upon first glance, the focal point of the painting seems to be the girl sitting on the bench. After examining the painting for a few more seconds, her outstretched arm and the bird grow in importance and become the real focus of the painting. The upper left hand corner's lighter shades of blue create a light mood, while the lower right hand corner's deep purple creates a slightly darker mood. The colors of the young girl contrast with those around her, suggesting that she is somehow apart from her surroundings.

    At first glance the girl seems downtrodden, neglected, and alone. Without the small bright yellow bird, this painting would be utterly depressing--the depiction of a plain, dejected young girl, collapsed in solitude amidst the swirling dark confusion surrounding her. Had the artist left the painting unfinished at that point, its tone and message would remain one of dejection. We all travel through those times when the world is "dark blue;" when we seem lost in the hues all around us, lacking the energy to get back up off of the wooden bench on which we fell. A contemporary song titled "Dark Blue" by Jack Mannequin well depicts the feeling I believe this painting initially evokes; "This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so I'll swim (I'll swim) as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down And now all I can see are the planets in a row Suggesting it's best that I slow down." These lyrics seem to describe perfectly the swirling darkness at the feet of the young girl, the dark blue hues all around her. It is an entrapping mood--no pathways are shown leading away from this place, no sun is shown on the horizon.

    Besides the mood the girl seems to show, her appearance says even more. She is dressed plainly; her appearance is undone. Here, I begin to identify with her. This is the state in which I feel myself to be currently--a stripping away of much of what I thought I was, a reversion to the simplest part of me, a reliance on the most fundamental of the beliefs within me, a desperate return to my first love. First love, as in the One who offered to die for me, then did. The One who has never left me, nor forsaken me, no matter how forsaken the view from my wooden bench may seem. She appears to be left with nothing to offer, her arms are empty and she carries no luggage. My luggage may still be with me, but I feel my arms start to empty as I day by day give my all away. Maybe it isn't a bad thing to come empty handed to the light; while solemn or quiet, her face shows no tears. She is reserved, withdrawn, but still holding on. Some of my favorite lyrics from the song Therapy by Relient K show this seeming contradiction exists "Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused Cause I spend my solitude with you." She may be physically alone, weathered and exhausted, but she is not in despair. Her back is to the lighter blues; she faces the darkness at her feet. However, the light blues seem to be swirling in around her head, the brightness traveling to push out the deep purples. I may not be seeking out the sunshine, yet somehow it finds me. I am displaced but not alone, weathered but not destroyed, exhausted even as the light of life invades my scene. 

            A thin dress clothes the young girl. This dress is sort of whimsical, the fabric almost an unreal texture. She does not appear to be particularly warm or cold; the blue colors give off a cold feeling, but she doesn’t look uncomfortable due to the temperature. The dress is adequate—it is not enough to protect her, but neither does it add to her vulnerability. This dress may reflect her resources. She does not have excess, but she also is not in poverty. I connect with this reality; though I may think I am lacking what I need to make a difference in my color scheme, often what I need is right in front of me, unnoticed. Like the girl in the painting, I feel as though right now my “attire” is basic, yet sufficient. I have the care and abilities that I need to get through this life, maybe even make a lasting change, even though I may not see that clearly sometimes. My dress for this life is as colorful and yet as plain as hers; I am prepared even when I don’t feel as though I am.

The young girl is seated on a wooden bench--at first this merits almost no significance, seeming to be merely an artist’s attempt to frame the main subject. The contrasts of reddish orange and turquoise add to the feeling of balance created by the bench. Upon further observation, this bench is actually central to the painting’s meaning. While she faces darkness, she has not fallen to the ground. With no other inanimate subjects in the picture, this bench seems to be a place of refuge, holding her up even though she may not even notice it. I find that in those darkest times the wooden benches in my life are often overlooked. Only after the clouds pass do we realize what has been keeping us from hitting the ground all that time.

   The background involving the interesting colors and the moods and conclusions it implies are important, but not as important as the focal point of the painting. If the observer were to focus only on the surroundings, this painting would be discouraging. Perhaps one would assume that she has been rejected, and she is now left with naught but her sorrow. But a look beyond first impressions and facial expressions reveals the underlying hope that this painting tells of. If this painting were a song, the music would climax as it reached her outstretched hand and the bird suspended in flight nearby. Not only has the light found her, and me, but a messenger has been sent as well. For many years past, going back to the most ancient accounts, a bird was always symbolic of a message or sign. In the Bible when God sent Moses a sign for when to exit the ark onto dry land, He sent a dove. In later and such famous accounts as those of Emily Dickinson's poetry, a bird was associated with positive messages again; "Hope is the thing with feathers." The bird in this painting fits the generality--its presence seems to be the ray of hope amidst the darkest circumstances. There is much I do not understand about the way this world is colored...I have taken my brush and palette and tried in vain to cover over the undesirable shades. This painting reminds me that perhaps we are not capable of re-coloring our surroundings, but that those colors may indeed come to us. The small golden bird is in flight, and is in sharp contrast to the darkness below it, outshining even the lighter blues above and to the left of it. I identify most with this painting in this: her outstretched arm. Some days, I may be lost, confused, surrounded, and exhausted with no end in sight. Not every day in my life "dark blue," but when those times come, I identify with her hope. I raise my hand to the little bird and do my best not to lose sight of it until the light blues overpower the deep purples. For those times when I sink onto my wooden bench empty-handed and undone, the light and the hope never fail to find me and recolor my circumstances."