Let's Talk About It

Tonight I got to hear Kevin Breel speak here at Penn State, and his message inspired me. His message is simple, but so very necessary for all of us to hear, remember, and live. He said: "Be honest." (among other things). He encouraged us to ask honest questions, and answer questions honestly, and not shy away from the difficult topics. He was specifically talking about the conversation surrounding mental health. Despite the millions we lose to suicide, it's still a bit of a taboo topic. But it shouldn't be. I liked what Kevin said tonight about depression, and other mental health issues... they're all just labels. Depression is just a label for pain. And pain is something we all can relate to. We all experience pain. So why don't we talk about it and let people know they're not alone? It might be tough to talk about suicide, but it's even tougher to lose someone to suicide and wonder what you might have been able to do to help them. So many good thoughts from Kevin tonight, and from his TedTalk (http://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic.html) and also on his blog (http://kevinbreel.tumblr.com/). Check it out! Seriously. Do it.

I love his courage. What inspires me most about Kevin is this, and these are his words to describe it: his mess is his message. His power as a speaker, as an activist, is just to simply be honest about what he has experienced and in doing so, give others an invitation to be honest about their lives as well. For a long time, he was afraid to be honest about what he was going through and feeling inside. But now that he's spoken out, he has been able to touch millions of lives, even save hundreds. And those are just the ones who have told him so. :)

Sometimes I type up blog posts and decide not to post them, because they seem too honest, or too negative. If I can't put some sort of positive spin on it, I think twice about posting it and usually decide not to. But what message is that sending to the people around me, when I choose not to tell them about my bad days? As someone who wants to become a mental health professional, I need to be the first one to be honest with other people, in hopes that it will invite other people to be honest with me.
The truth is, usually even on my most difficult days, I'm able to see the hope in the situation. For that I'm really thankful; I know it isn't that way for everyone. But my point is that even though I have a lot of hope and I'm not depressed, I still still experience pain and bad days just like everyone else, and I need to be honest about that if I want others to be honest with me.

I'm going to post something here that I wrote five months ago, almost to the day. I had originally titled it "My Moonlit Melody" (I like alliteration). Like I talked about above, this was one rough day where I was still able to feel hope by the end of it. But it also showcases some of the feelings I was struggling with, and that's why I'll share it here tonight. Before this day, and many times since then, I've had other rough days. It's my hope that in sharing this tonight someone will hear and believe this message: You are not alone.
I'm no longer making that statement without backing it up. You are not alone in your pain because I feel pain sometimes, too. Our lives are different but we all feel pain and we all need love, and I'm here for you to be honest about your good days and your bad days too.

"Tonight I'm hurting. And not because of anything anyone has done to hurt me, but because I am broken. I'm a human, destined to sin, prone to mistakes, and bound to hurt the people I love the most. And so I do; I sin, I make mistakes, and I hurt the people closest to me. No matter how hard I try to avoid these three entanglements, I find they are inevitable. Which is maddening and painful. Certain parts of being a human I don't mind. Other aspects I cannot ever seem to reconcile myself to...like the part of being a human that includes failing, annoying, burdening, or hurting people I love. [In one word: fallibility?] I just can't stand it; it makes me feel angry and hurt, trapped in an existence in which I hope to become free of these pitfalls, yet acknowledge (though not fully accept) that such a freedom may never come this side of Heaven.

Grace is real, and I know that. I believe it, I read about it, pray about it, write about it, tell others about it. But some days, days in which I have hurt people I love, I just can't seem to accept it. Not because I don't need grace--I desperately do, there's no way I can ever repay or make up for hurting them. And it's not because I don't want things to be restored, because I want that desperately, too. I think I have trouble accepting grace because I hate that I need it in the first place.

Maybe it's a deep pride issue, maybe it's a matter of placing too much of my identity in caring for others well.

But really, regardless of why I find it so hard to accept grace, along with my own constant need for it, I must. Without grace, I'll never learn to improve, never overcome each shortcoming, each cause for pain. A song called Grace by Tenth Avenue North comes to mind; part of its chorus reads: "grace, only grace, can move us to a rhythm that will change our ways." I think it's true--only grace can bring lasting change in me. And so like it or not, come kicking and screaming, I must learn to accept grace and my need for it if I am to move on from my latest failures.

It's sometimes a daily battle to accept grace. There are days it's easier and days it seems impossible. Last night as I looked up at the stars and talked and prayed with my best friend, I was able to accept grace in a way that I haven't in a long time. Although I was, and am, frustrated with my need for it in the first place, I am striving toward more moonlit nights like last night. Nights in which I am able to hear a melody that leads me to a place of peace despite the storm inside me... the rhythm of grace." [5/23/13]

If you ever feel angry, hurt, confused, lonely, depressed, anxious, anything--feel free to talk to me about it. I'd love to hear what's going on in your life, and I want you to know that you aren't alone. There is hope, and life is beautiful, and I am here for you. 

Don't shy away from the difficult conversations. Don't be afraid to ask hard questions, and to answer hard questions honestly. Ask for help. Ask your friend if he's really okay. Ask your friend what's really going on in her life. In Kevin's words, "Don't buy into the stigma, the conversation is too important for that."
:)

A Look at Leaves and Life

I was frustrated with myself. No matter how hard I tried to be a better person, it seemed I was repeatedly making mistakes and falling short. I was trying to accept grace, from God and from others, but I couldn't seem to accept myself with so many flaws. The smallest oversights were beginning to gnaw away at my conscience, and my self-criticism was excessive. It was with these thoughts in mind that I set off on an afternoon walk with my dog Gracie today.

As soon as I stepped outside, I was struck by the brilliance of the sunshine, the coolness of the breeze, and the beauty of the vibrantly colored plants lining both sides of the road. I started to take deeper breaths and to smile, for no real reason other than enjoying the sights and sounds of the nature surrounding me. The further I walked the more I realized how negative a view I have had the past few days. How critical I have been of myself, refusing to rest in the fact that like all of the beauty around me, I was designed and created by an intelligent and loving God.

Positive thoughts started to flood into my mind... I was created, not an accident. I am flawed, yes, but I was designed by the same God who designed the trees and flowers I was stopping to take pictures of! Although I can't see why He would create me with the ability to make mistakes and hurt others, He must have a reason; my current state has surely not exempted me from His master plan. I am like a small tree, which has yet to grow into all it was designed to be. But there is no shame in growth...and a small tree is no less valuable because it has not yet become all that it was made to become. Some things just take time.
As I looked around at the trees, their beauty captivated me. No single tree was perfect. Some were bent at odd angles, some had dying leaves. But together, the trees created a canopy of sorts over the road. As the light streamed through their branches, the sunshine caught differently on each leaf, casting a kaleidoscope of light and dark shapes on the road below.

It was this kaleidoscope from the leaves that lent me some much needed perspective on life. I was never meant to reflect all of God's character in and of myself. Yes, I am meant to be a picture of Him, to reflect pieces of His heart, to love with His love and to hold His light within myself like a jar of clay, that through me, others may see Him. But never can I fully represent Him. I am not His mirror, I am one piece in a grand masterpiece of all creation, which is His glory. He designed me, and all of us, in our human frailty that TOGETHER we might make a full picture of His goodness. We are meant for communal beauty, for a group portrait. The places where I am bent, where my leaves are not in full bloom, that's where the other trees in the forest, those around me, are meant to complete the picture.



Should I stop growing and blooming? Certainly not. But I can stop fretting about my incomplete beauty. The pressure is off for me to be a perfect picture of all of God's goodness. Let me focus on those aspects of myself that God has designed to reflect Himself, to soak up the sun and the rain to grow those parts of myself that are not yet all I was designed to be, and to release myself from the responsibility to be the whole forest. What is the saying, sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees? I have been too focused on my own tree, unable to appreciate the beauty of my part in the forest around me.

Have you ever put pressure on yourself to be perfect? Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself? Of those around you?
Take a deep breath, and look at the trees, look at the forest. Watch how the sunlight catches on their leaves, and how together, they are a breathtaking testament to the goodness of God. May we acknowledge God's design... His design that we might collectively reflect the beauty of who He is.

Sunshine and Sharing: Living in the Light

This past weekend was filled with encouragement for me. I went to a small cabin/house with a bunch of girls from Penn State Navigators, and had an incredible time at "women's weekend." This time was incredible for me because it felt real; not only did I feel loved, accepted, and encouraged by the women I was with, but I also felt challenged, and perhaps even more importantly, I felt that they were being honest with me, and that it was safe to be honest with them. This is the essence of fellowship, and how community should be!! :)

The theme for the weekend was "Into the light," and we talked about how God brings us from darkness into light. We looked a lot at who God is (He is light!) and who we are in Him (children of light!). I am finding that I can never be reminded too often of God's character and of my identity in Him--it's absolutely vital for my every day life to bear these things in mind. 

Beyond reminders of important truths, I also feel I learned and experienced new things. The following analogy stood out to me, as I processed in a new way the power of Christ in me:

We are like candles, and God lights a flame in us. Even as Satan tries his hardest to extinguish this flame, the best he can do is attempt to deceive us, concealing the flame. He cannot put it out, because although he comes to kill, steal, and destroy, it is not his flame to take. No matter how occluded, the flame of Christ remains in us. 

This analogy reminds me of a really neat moment I had with God this past week. The sun was shining here in Happy Valley (only a recent occurrence, after several months of rather dismal looking skies). I found myself with some extra time between two meetings, and so I decided to journal on a bench in the sunshine. As I journaled, I noticed the sun behind some clouds. It was pretty, but also a bit chilly, as the clouds blocked the direct sunlight from hitting my bench (see picture 1 below!). Shortly thereafter, the clouds drifted away from the sun, and I was nearly blinded when I tried to take a picture of it as it covered me in sudden warmth (see picture 2 below!). From these moments of watching the sun and clouds, an analogy of my walk with God came to me. At times, my sin acts like clouds and covers up the brightness of God in my life. Although He has not moved, He feels distant because the clouds of sin block His warmth from reaching me. They cannot fully cover His presence, only try to dim it, as He shines out from behind the clouds and by His light I see my surroundings. He is always shining, always present. But when I leave behind my sin, the clouds fade away and I better receive His warmth and feel His presence!

In both of these analogies, God is light :) All throughout scripture He is called, and calls Himself, light. My current personal favorite verses (Ephesians 5:8, 14b) on this subject read: "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light...'Wake up, sleeper,

    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.'”

In hearing the stories of women who chose to be vulnerable and share how God has brought them from darkness into life, I was challenged to live as a child of light. In their love and understanding of my own darkness, I felt filled with strength and hope that, in the power of Christ, I CAN live as a child of the light. I can choose daily to walk toward the light and to trust that God is always present, and that I have His light shining in me.

To tack on one last point to this haphazardly organized entry, share your stories of darkness and light with others. As powerful as the verses and lessons I heard this weekend were, what had the most profound impact on me was to hear the personal stories of other women. To hear their accounts of how God has redeemed dark situations, events, and sin in their lives and brought them into light was so encouraging! I cannot explain to you how incredible it felt to share with a small group of those women the darkness I have experienced in my own life. It was incredible because they understood, and treated me with grace and no judgement. Several of them have stories of darkness just like mine, and I know that the same God is bringing all of us into the light, no matter what our own darkness looks like.

Look for the ways that God wants to usher you into the light, and use whatever darkness you experience to bring you closer to Him. What Satan intends to use to separate you from God, simply cannot. Look at the evidence of light all around you...in nature, in the stories of others, in your story. Know that He is light, and you are His. Let us live as children of light in the Lord! :) 

Heaven's Heart and Hope's Restart

"A second chance is Heaven's heart" --Second Chance, Rend Collective Experiment. 

And thank God that these words are true. 

The words to this song are so powerful and so very relevant to what I have to say, I'll post them all here:

  

My future hangs on this
You make preciousness from dust
Please don't stop creating me

Your blood offers the chance
To rewind to innocence
Reborn, perfect as a child

CHORUS:
Oh Your cross, it changes everything
There my world begins again with You
Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts
A second chance is Heaven's heart

When sin and ugliness
Collide with redemption's kiss
Beauty awakens by romance

Always inside this mess
I have found forgiveness
Mercy as infinite as You

(Chorus)

BRIDGE:
Countless second chances
We've been given at the cross
Countless second chances
We've been given at the cross

Fragments of brokenness
Salvaged by the art of grace
You craft life from our mistakes

Black skies of my regrets
Outshone by this kindness
New life dawns over my soul

(Chorus)
(Chorus)
(Bridge)

I've loved this band, and their art of singing the words of God so beautifully, for a while now. But the words of this song are what I feel I am experiencing now. I am watching God salvage brokenness, and craft life from mistakes, outshining regrets with new life. I am seeing this in my life, and in lives of friends around me. Over the past month or so, I have begun to pray those more daring prayers. Ones that blatantly ask God to give me strength I know I don't have, prayers for miracles, for unexplained goodness, for Him to show me His power. And He has been answering! 

For a long time I have been battling recurring sins in my life. Some of them are "common," like worrying instead of trusting God, or like putting silly things before spending time with Him. Others are not the kind you casually throw out as prayer requests at the close of your bible study meeting, like having lustful thoughts, or like going back to unhealthy habits. Now I do understand that as humans, we all struggle to differing degrees with very similar issues throughout our lives, and that even as Christian humans, we are promised difficulty in obeying God. To follow God is a lifelong journey, and to surrender to Him is a daily effort--I believe these things with all my heart. 

In my Navs bible study recently, we read the passage where Jesus is praying in the garden just before his arrest, and his disciples have fallen asleep. An element of this story stood out to me this time that I hadn't processed before. Jesus both expected His disciples to be awake, like He commanded them to be, AND understood their humanness and weakness to obey His command. He says, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak" (Mark 14:38). He acknowledges that they will be tempted, and that their bodies are weak. His words to them later in this passage make it clear that they were supposed to have stayed awake, and that He's disappointed they didn't watch and pray. Yet He doesn't give up on them... just a few hours later, He is letting Himself be carted off to trial, eventually to be hung on the cross. And He is doing it for them, for us all. Jesus simultaneously understands our humanity, and expects more of our spirits. And this understanding/expectation for us revolves completely around what He did for us on the cross.

In my own strength, I have no hope of overcoming the sins of my past and of walking in freedom. But because of the cross, because of God's heart for redemption, I am more than just a human heart inside a weak body. I have a spirit, and I have HIS spirit, and it is because of the presence of His spirit in me that He can expect more of me. That He is justified in calling me to surrender the sin in my life to Him, to flee the darkness and embrace the light. 

And so I have hope. And I can walk in freedom. And I can choose to chase light. Christ has called me to be ready to give an account for this hope that I have within me (1 Peter 3:15), and so here is my account. This post is a bit more personal and open than others of mine have been, and hopefully that's okay. None of us are blameless, until we are covered by His grace. I've written about grace and about shame in past posts, and I am taking steps towards letting grace win out over shame in my life. I am a sinner and I am redeemed, and I'm not afraid to admit either part of that, because the first half says that I need God's love, and the second half says that He does indeed love me! 

I am finding that as I struggle with these sins in my life, God is so much greater!! For so long I have felt trapped, and I am just beginning to feel the freedom that comes with His second chances. I have always read the verses about being a new creation, and living free, and offering our whole selves as sacrifices. And I have believed them and even tried to live them, but I have not claimed them and relied on them the way that I am learning to do now. I used to wonder why God has allowed me to struggle with lust and other sins, but now I am starting to see the beauty He is bringing out of these struggles. Beyond the amazing fact that He has used and is using my story to encourage others in their own struggles, He is using every step of this journey to teach me more about Himself. The days where I ignore the cross and don’t trust in the second chances He is offering me, I miss all the incredible ways God is just waiting to bless me. Those days I feel weak and I mess up, and those days still happen sometimes. But the days where I focus on God and spend time with Him, I realize all the ways He wants to use me and give me the strength that I need to follow His commands. God has not only redeemed me as a person, but has redeemed my experiences with sin to bring me closer to Him and to encourage others. The amazing part of grace is that it takes what was once a source of shame and transforms it into evidence of the work of Christ. The lust, the fear, the selfishness, the pride, and any other sin, become an avenue through which God reveals His power to work in us. I am watching Him clearly bring life from sin that is meant to bring death, and it’s amazing.

My future hangs on the promise that God will continue to create me, making "preciousness from dust." Some days I will be weak, and will fall short of His commands, just like the disciples who fell asleep that night. But like the disciples, I will be given second chances. And just as Jesus valued those men and died to be their Savior, He values me and died for me, too. 

The point of making this public and posting it for (hypothetically) anyone to see: All of this can be true for you, as well. On that cross, Jesus died for all of us. 

Let the account of the hope I have within me become yours, too. Claim those second chances. Surrender to the confusing, messy, beautiful, unfair, life-giving, freeing, unmerited love of God for you. Join me in praying those bold prayers, in relying on Him to answer. Let your hope restart because of Jesus' love, displayed by the second chances He gave us through the cross. Yes, God expects much of us, and calls us to high standards (which lead us to fuller, richer, deeper lives). But He gives us the Holy Spirit and the freedom to follow Him because He defeated death on that cross as well. Let us not be discouraged by His great expectations, but remember Heaven's heart for second chances. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQRaxELspKg