Four Years of the Both/And Life

Tomorrow marks four years since Maggie died, and somewhat strangely, it also marks two months (8 weeks) of marriage for me & Ted. Reflecting on these two very real, very different "anniversaries" this week has caused me to again reflect on what has become a bit of a life motto for me, which is living the "both/and" life.

To endeavor to grieve Maggie's loss sincerely and fully, and still also fully embrace the life and love ahead for me, was a goal, a struggle, I first publicly shared about seven weeks after she died. At some point along the way, I started referring to this as the both/and life, writing Grief isn't my whole life, but it has become an important part of it. I am learning how to embrace life that is happening now while still missing Maggie, how to hold the terrible and the beautiful in both hands and let them coexist.

Of course at the time, I had no idea I would meet Ted or that so much brilliantly beautiful happiness would come into my life because of him. Or that although they would never meet, they would share a birthday. The ultimate invitation to the both/and life... each year as I miss her on her birthday, I get to celebrate his right by his side. Some might see it as a weird coincidence, but it's actually comforting to me. Maybe it is divine intervention, or maybe it really is an odd coincidence, or maybe it's fate. Or maybe no matter why it is, the what I choose to make of it is more important- it's a beautiful personal reminder that love and loss are both essential pieces of what it means to be human. To me, it's also a striking reminder that life is short.

Most of this week I've spent sitting in data meetings, or stats classes, or answering emails, or giving reading tests to Kindergarten and first grade students. Some days, I've had unwelcome painful memories rush in and open up doors in my mind without even knocking, just interrupting my thoughts and ushering in feelings of anxiety and deep sadness along with them. Some days, I've blissfully daydreamed myself back to the sand on the south coast of Bermuda, reminiscing on each and every incandescently happy moment of the magical beachside candlelit dinner Ted set up for us on our honeymoon.

I can't choose to experience just one or the other. My love for Maggie remains as real and true as it has ever been, and so my grief does too, as I miss her in new ways through new seasons of my life. She would be seventeen, and I often wonder what that would look like for her. What would she have been like at our wedding? Would she have danced to our songs? Would she have brought a date? What would she be planning for her own future now, if she were still here? How many more pets would she have talked my parents into bringing into their home?

And also I can't spend all my time wondering, stuck in what-ifs and the missing. To quote one of her favorites, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live" (said Dumbledore to young Harry, as the boy spent hours in front of a mirror showing him his parents, who had died).

Just as real and as true, and just as overwhelming, is my love for the life I am building with my beloved husband. To come home each night to a man who shares my hopes, dreams, and faith, (not to mention much of my taste in TV shows and late-night snacks) is an unbelievable privilege and joy. He is a better partner for me than I ever had dared to dream I would find. He is unfailingly patient and consistently affectionate and seriously hilarious. His witty jokes, creative problem-solving, tight hugs, and sweet words make every day better than it would otherwise be. He cheers me on through success and comforts me through sadness. He has a curiously clever mind and a singing voice that makes old ladies we don't even know turn around and compliment him in church. Some days I look over at him on the couch and I think my heart might just explode with the warm fuzzy happiness of knowing that he is mine and I am his. 

I get to pursue a career I find deeply meaningful, alongside some of the best people I have ever met. My relationships with my parents, Ben, and Katie have been stretched and grown and deepened in ways I couldn't have foreseen. I've married into a new (to me), wonderfully tight-knit, loyal, and fun family. Even on the most difficult days of this life, I feel ridiculously blessed when I think about the people with whom I share this wild, weird, beautiful, terrible, lovely human experience.

Sometimes I feel pressure to write something sort of profound, or at the very least inspiring, when I write about grief, or love, or especially when I write about both. Today I don't have any wise words or call to action, just my own reflections to share. I think that maybe I knew the secret to living the both/and life all along, which is that you just do... to embrace all of the human experience means to love, which also means to grieve, which also means to love.

International Women's Day 2019

A note of appreciation to the women in my life:

I have been blessed with an unusual number of incredible women in my life, from the time I was young, up through today.

My mother is a formidable woman in the best way; she is one of the strongest people I know, in her power and in her resilience and in her love. I admire her and like her, and realize more with each passing year just how lucky I am to be her daughter. I will always be grateful for her pushing me to do my best, never letting me sell myself short, and being a safe base from which I could explore the world. How lucky I am to have had a model as a young girl of a woman who was driven in her career, happily in love with her husband, and fully engaged in parenting her children. Growing up and learning that parents are humans, too, complex and multidimensional, has only increased my respect and love for her as I reflect on my childhood years.

It was my parents' example which first helped me to push back in my mind against the patriarchal messages I heard as I grew up. Each time that I heard someone say that a husband should make all of the decisions in a home, or that a woman should not desire a career outside the house, or anything of the sort, I knew better because I had seen better. I got to witness my parents talking out decisions together, trying their best to arrive at a joint conclusion. I got to see my parents decide how to divide "family labor" and push back at the assumptions that the mother should always do the dishes or  always drive the children to sports practice or always tidy the living room. I knew that Mom cooked because most of the time, she liked to (and because Dad was, er, gifted in other areas...). I knew that when Dad spent time with us children he wasn't "babysitting" for Mom, he was being our parent, an equal partner with my Mom in building our family. I knew that when I had a field trip coming up, either parent would need to check their work schedule before agreeing to chaperone, and that both would want to if they could. I learned that it was okay if parents fit a stereotype for their traditional role, like Mom cooking or Dad mowing the grass (I should also note that Dad often washed dishes and Mom often did the weeding). It was okay if it was what came naturally or was agreed upon together, and it was also okay if they didn't fit those prescribed roles. I knew that Dad was much more likely to tear up in a children's movie than Mom, and that Mom was much more likely to want to play outside.

As I look to build my own marriage and become my own version of what it means to be a wife, I am grateful for their example. No people are perfect, but they are wonderful together. They balance each other out and have continued on loving each other through the best and worst of all life has thrown at them.

If my own mother wasn't enough of a blessing, I've also known incredible women in my extended family. I often think I am more like my two grandmothers than either of my parents, as a mostly-extroverted, card-writing, talk-to-anyone, loves-to-host-parties kind of person. Both of my grandmothers are also strong, kind, warm women. They each have incredible stories of persevering through extraordinary life circumstances, all the while loving their families fiercely. Each of them has their own ministry, official and unofficial, in which they tangibly love everyone around them. They are hardworking, fun, driven, loving women, and I am so blessed to have them in my life. They have both been present (whether in person or by phone call or letter or Facebook message) for all the major events in my whole life thus far.

I've also had the privilege of knowing even more wonderful women in my family, including my Aunt Jan who has been a kind of second Nana to me, showing up for concerts and sports games and graduations, sending Easter cards and giving big warm hugs. She is loud and funny and giving and loving. My aunts and my parents' cousins have also been there, cheering me on each step of my life, even as they care for their own families.

My little sister Katie, who is less and less "little" (is she taller than me? I'll deny it a bit longer...), is becoming an incredible woman herself. I am both apprehensive and hopeful for her future as a woman in our society. My dream for her is to become everything that she wants to be, knowing it is up to her to decide exactly what that looks like, and not for anyone else to prescribe for her. I hope she continues in becoming the strong, brave, smart, thoughtful woman she is already.

Soon, I'll be marrying into a second family, and I'm grateful to be getting to know even more inspiring women. My future mother-in-law is smart, kind, giving, and driven, always juggling several projects at a time, whether for her family or her church or her community. I can see why Ted loves and respects her so, and how she has helped shape him into the loving man he is today. I've had the good luck to have been able to meet her own mother, who is just as witty, warm, and generous herself. I'm looking forward to meeting more of his family as we continue towards our wedding!

I should take a minute to mention the women who have passed through my life just for short times, and still left an impression on me. I need to thank the Sunday school teachers, camp counselors, school teachers, Bible study leaders, and mentors who have given me their energy, their advice, and their life lessons. I wouldn't be where or who I am today without the classmates and coworkers who provided a listening ear and helped me discover my career path.

Finally, I have been surrounded in each season by lovely women as my friends. Some of my girl friends from elementary school remain in my life, even as we each pursue our own paths. Friends from high school and college have stuck around, staying in touch through technology and old-fashioned letters. This collection of amazing women are leaders, teachers, wives, students, professionals-- current and future forces for good. These are friends who would be, and have been, there for me at a moment's notice, ready to lend a hand despite their own full, busy lives. I'm grateful for "old friends" who have known me for so long, and have chosen to stay a part of my life.
Now in this season of graduate school, I find myself again surrounded by some of the most intelligent, kind, hardworking, generous women I have ever met. These are also women who I can call at any hour, with any problem. They will be the change-makers and the leaders of our field, I am sure of it.

Each of these women have lived unique stories, pressed on through challenges most people don't know about, loved bigger and deeper than I could explain. Their daily lives look vastly different from each other, and they are headed in all different directions. What they all share in common is that I admire something about the way they are living in this world as women, and they have touched my life.

Here's to you, the women in my life. Thank you for all that you are- for being examples, inspiration, and support. Thank you for your strength and courage, for being in my life, and for loving me so well. May you know your infinite value, and may you know the impact you make for good in the world. <3