Three Long Years & Growing through Grief

**If you or someone you know has been affected by suicide, this post may be difficult to read.**

May 19, 2015 out for ice cream after her choir concert

It's been three years today since suicide stole my little sister Maggie from us. Those words sting to type and still feel unbelievable, three long years later. It's true what they say- it doesn't get easier, you just get stronger.

The both/and life continues... So much life has happened for me, for my whole family, since Maggie's death. And with each and every milestone that passes without her, we feel her absence. I am planning my wedding with my best friend and soulmate, who she will never meet. It breaks my heart that she won't be there with me on what I'm sure will be one of the best days of my life.

I don't think my heart will ever be whole again. Maybe that's right and good. She will always be missing, and I will always be missing her. These three years I've been earnestly seeking a way to incorporate this lifelong grief into my life in a way that improves me. I feel strongly that it is right to both weep and laugh at my memories of her. Losing Maggie has changed me forever, and I am choosing to grow through my grief.

I say "I love you" all the time, constantly aware that tomorrow isn't promised. I care for the people in my life wholeheartedly and unapologetically. I am somehow less afraid of the darkness, because I know that I have faced something incomprehensible and continued on through it. I am calm and careful in every risk assessment I conduct with clients, knowing how important it is to make sure they know I am listening. I call my siblings some weekday afternoons just because. I work hard to keep margin in my life even during the busiest times of the semester. I actively count the blessings in my life so I don't miss the beauty of the human experience. I know that time with loved ones is more precious than any single other thing in this life.

Let me be clear: I will never say that Maggie's death happened for a reason, or that God called her home early, or anything of the sort. It will never be okay. And also, I can choose to be better for what I have endured and continue to process. Some hours, some days, I'm a mess. It's sad and it's hard and it isn't fair, and so I take my time to cry long and hard. Most days, I am actively engaged in building a life I love. It is not one or the other. It is missing her, remembering her, grieving her, even as I embrace the people and the life still in front of me.

Moments With You III

You walk through the door with the vacuum cleaner I completely forgot, and I think for the millionth time, how lucky am I? Lately I feel more aware of it than ever. At the movies, during time with my grandparents, while cleaning toilets, as we carry heavy things. Your love is patient and reliable and generous. You are there with me in the fun moments and busy moments and hard moments, all the same. Grateful cannot begin to describe how I feel in this moment, or in so many moments every day as you love me so well.

&&&&&&&

The living room looks so empty now, and your mom's car by comparison hardly has an inch to spare. I knew it would be sad, watching you both leave, even as I am excited for you in the new chapters you each are beginning. As I scrub and paint, I reflect on the past year and feel both happy and sad. Happy to have known you, sad to see you move on. Happy to welcome new friends into this home, sad for your absence here. A year filled with so many moments with you both. The time I tried to walk home with a heavy test kit and it was dark and I was tired and you drove to pick me up. The night we drank wine every time Hermione saved the day. The weekend days filled with homework and cooking and cleaning, and also the ones filled with visits from friends and family. What a blessing it has been to share a space with you.

&&&&&&&

You surprise me, even though this isn't my surprise party. As you watch me open my gifts in the parking lot- a soft fuzzy blanket and word board- I can't help but smile so wide at how well you know me. I'll miss you as you adventure and study by sunny beaches, and I'm touched by the way you planned ahead. I'm so proud of the man you are. 

&&&&&&& 

The smell of campfire-roasted-marshmallows makes me feel excited and relaxed, like I've really celebrated the season of summer. I'm so happy you invited us to join you for this short-notice night in nature. I love the way you squish us tight in your hugs, the way you make time for fun, and the way you work hard to make a home away from home for your family. As I watch the red and orange flames dance in the cool evening breeze, I take a deep breath and try to freeze this moment in my mind. If I could look back in time through past summer memories, I bet there would be a lot of moments just like this with you, in campgrounds and backyards and kitchens and living rooms. I'm so glad there will be more to come.

&&&&&&&

As I read your text, my eyes well up because my joy is spilling over. You've never been this way before, so giddy for me, with me. To be fair, it's never been this good and this right, either. I love that you love him. Your words are a confirmation of what I know to be true, that this is unlike anything I've known before, that he is unlike anyone I've known before. I thrill in your open arms and open heart to this new normal. What a sweet new normal this is, with new definitions of "us" and "we" and "family" on the horizon. 

&&&&&&&

Something doesn't seem quite right, and though I can't put my finger on it, the nervous feeling in my chest won't let me stay at home. I tell you, rather than ask; I'm coming over. I put my toes in the grass next to you and we chat. As the sun makes its way down through the sky you open up to me. I'm glad that I came. You are strong and beautiful and you make me feel less alone. I hope I do the same for you. I can't help feeling as I leave that perhaps I needed this time as much as you did. Too much time to be still and too little time to be still culminate in this evening good for both of us, company for you and a pause for me.

&&&&&&& 

Bright lights and fireworks and professional dancers and an international icon and 60,000 other people steal my attention, but I'm noticing you. You who give so generously, standing beside me in a t-shirt I picked out, smiling as you watch me scream-sing every word. You know how much this means to me and you document the moments one by one. I try not to step on the five gluten-free cookies you bought me for dinner before we found the hamburger stand, and I try to remember this night. I'm grateful for the lengths you go to make me happy, to give me good things, to spend time with me.

&&&&&&&

You help us to lay out the blanket that you brought and we all sit down to eat. What a view, with the sun slowly sinking over the green mountains. The cover/tribute band rocks out just loudly enough behind our conversation. You make me feel so glad I ventured out tonight for this perfect weather and good food. Over fresh squeezed lemonade and still-hot fries we relax into what's left of our summer. I know that when classes start and we are all busy and I'm tempted to skip fun times like these, you'll be there to push me to come anyways. When those days come again, remind me how we feel in this moment. 

Year 1 Reflections

As of this afternoon, I've officially completed my first year of grad school! What a year it has been. I am so glad I chose the field of School Psychology (or as one of my professors might say, it chose me). This past year I've learned a lot, and I am more convinced than ever that all of the long days and late nights will be well worth it to make a difference in the lives of students, their teachers, their families, and their communities. I'm also convinced that divine intervention led to perfect timing for me to meet some of the world's most generous, kind, intelligent, lovely human beings as a result of me starting grad school when I did and where I did (shoutout to my love Ted, my housemates Megan and Leah, and my co[heart]!). I am infinitely grateful for their support throughout this past year.

I wish I had the brain power to write some eloquent reflections, but I think my brain is tired after the past few weeks of final projects, exams, papers, and presentations, and this week of administering and scoring assessments (fluency week- check!). Instead, here are some sound-bite-sized reflections:

~A walk outside can do wonders for your state of mind on a busy day.
~It's important to learn how to do some things just "good enough." (Thanks, Karen!)
~Learning new things alongside others makes a steep learning curve so much more bearable. (shoutout to my co[heart] and the rest of the amazing SPSY students!)
~Stress can have a huge impact on your digestive system (oh hey, IBS symptoms appearing at the worst times).
~You know you're a nerd when you feel so pumped that you found the perfect article to cite for a key point in your paper after reading tons of abstracts.
~We expect so much of teachers and provide them with far too little support.
~I used to think 5 years sounded like a lot of time to spend in a graduate program; I now realize it's definitely not enough time to learn all that I need to learn about my field.
~Grad school might be the perfect time to start a relationship with a patient, understanding, loving partner.
~If you'd like to accomplish something slowly, try doing it at a large university with guidance from overworked professors. Expect to exchange at least five emails in order to establish a meeting, which will inevitably begin later and end earlier than you had hoped. You'll leave with more questions than you brought with you. Keep on keepin' on.
~When you're in grad school at a large university, you have access to so many interesting lectures and trainings that you'll never have time for them all. (But hopefully just a few really good ones!)
~No matter how many kids you work with, they will continue to surprise, frustrate, and inspire you in new ways.
~Trust that while the expectations of you will grow, so too will your skills in meeting them.

I'm excited to reach this small milestone, and I continue to be inspired and uplifted by such wonderful people in my life. :)