Caring, Rambling, and Reassurance

Before I resign myself to continuing my satire rough draft for English, which will probably be rather time-consuming, I'll chronicle a few of my recent thoughts here.
I think that my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness, in that when I care, I CARE. When I meet someone and become attached to them and begin a friendship with them, I don't just care halfway... Which is usually good. At the same time, I have to learn how to give them space. And while I'd like to think I've come light-years from where I was in middle school, or even last year, with maintaining this balance of loving like crazy and being patient and reasonable and rational and healthy at the same time, I know I'm not finished learning.
Some days the learning process is fun, even exciting, as I notice myself improving in different areas of relating to people. Other days, it's just annoying that I'm not perfect at it, yet, and far more annoying to realize that I never will be perfect at it. I've always been a bit of an oddball; introspection and analyzing the crap out of everything seem to come naturally to me. When I was in middle school and beginning to realize that I would never be the best at anything--someone was always smarter, faster, prettier, more fun, more skilled, more interesting, just plain better--I decided to rationalize in my head that this was okay. I decided I didn't have to be the best at any of the things that other people were so darned good at. At the end of the day, who really cares if you're a great athlete, great student, great looking, great at this or that, if you don't give back to others? You see, some of this is a bit rational. I took inventory and realized the one thing that I was fairly skilled at was talking to other people, helping them out when they had a problem, and caring for them when they needed to feel cared for. So I decided that would be my goal, my skill, my spiritual gift, my niche, my thing. I would be the best friend anyone could ever dream of, a better friend than anyone could ask for, I would love like nobody's business.
This is a super worthwhile pursuit, and on the surface and in those words, still pretty true of me. But this is different than those other things that people become good at and are admired for. Because with this thing, this goal of being the best friend ever, there are no record times to beat, there are no benchmarks to say who is better and who is best. And there shouldn't be, either. But it's something that is hard to measure. And it's also something I can't pursue just for my own sake. Because if I only want to be a great friend so that I can be called a great friend, then right then I have become NOT a great friend, by being selfish and putting myself first and missing the whole point. So this is tricky business.
It can't be this thing to be attained or achieved. Not anymore. It can still be my quest, but only for the sake of others, and for the sake of Christ.
And now we circle back around to where I began...caring deeply. There are things that, as a friend, even the bestest friend you've ever seen, I can't do for other people. There are hurts that only God can heal, there are thoughts that only He can see, there are songs of the heart that only He can understand...more than all of that, there are pasts that only He can know, and there are futures that only He can see, and there are present's where only He can be. I have to be okay with the fact that my love only goes so far. And then, the hardest part, I have to trust my God to take care of my friends. I have to trust that even though they are going through what seems like unending darkness, He is there, in all His brilliant light, watching and protecting and understanding and caring and loving and shining.

So I've rambled on for quite some time now, mostly about myself. But this is really about YOU. God LOVES you, more than you know, I promise. When I look at how much I love a friend, and sometimes that feels like a whole heck of a lot--I cry for them, I pray for them, and I can't imagine caring any more than I do--I can't help but have my mind blown by the fact that no matter how much I care, God cares infinitely more. That's a lot, times... times God. :) Which means that wherever you are, whatever you are going through, no matter what your past looks like, what your now feels like, and how scary or unclear your future may seem, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are loved. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, beyond a reason why. You're loved beyond my capability to love, beyond both of our understandings of love. And that should reassure us both. :)

PS- Listen to the song "Not Alone" by Red, and really soak in the lyrics.