Questions: Of Heaven, Hell, and Hope [Pt. 2]

Well, I just finished the book ("Love Wins" by Rob Bell). And that will just have to suffice for an introduction.

Some people argue over whether "love wins" or "God wins"... those are actually two separate book titles that have come to represent two separate so-called camps of Christians. But God is love. He is the very definition of love, He embodies love. So when God wins, so does love. Or, when love wins, it's because love IS God, and He has won.

This book has really broadened my perspective/mindset on my own faith. It articulated some concepts that I think I've been buying into for some time without being able to aptly express them. I have always believed in a loving God. And I have never been comfortable with a God who would actively send people to hell, forever apart from Him. [I hasten here to point out that I need not be comfortable with God for Him to be true, or good, or right, or loving.]
Over the past few years I've become fond of the idea that real love brings freedom--in true love fear of rejection is banished, and a love that is real must be a love that has been chosen.
My beliefs about heaven and hell and the fate of mankind are not all easily explained, black and white, and concrete. Some are. There are things I believe to be true about God that I have been convinced of since elementary school, and continue to cling to and depend on. But my understanding of heaven and hell, and more importantly, my understanding of who God is and how He interacts with us as humans, are ever-developing. From page 175 of "Love Wins" until the end, I agree with the majority of what Rob Bell says. The God that Bell describes in these pages is the God that I am in love with... the God who has, and does, and always will love His people. The God who loves us enough to let us choose Him, and consequently, to also not choose Him.

I really enjoy two illustrations Bell uses at the end of the book. They spring from the well-known story of the prodigal son. Bell explains that in this story, are really three stories. There is the older son's story--what he believes about his father, himself, and the way their relationship works. This older son is separated from his father's love because he has a wrong understanding of how his father's love works. He thinks he can earn it, in fact he thinks he has earned it. He misses the truth that he never had to earn anything, that his father's love always has been and will continue to be given freely. His father loves him beyond a reason why, and there's nothing he can do to deserve that love or to drive it away. Then there's a younger son, and his story. This younger son is separated from his father's love because he, also, has a wrong understanding of how his father's love works. Instead of self-righteousness, his hang-up is that he feels unworthy. And he is. But his father disregards that, because in the same way that the father loves the older son beyond a reason why, so he freely loves the younger son. No amount of obedience increases his love for his sons, and no amount of disobedience can jeopardize his love for his sons.
This is how God loves us.
We, like the sons in this story, are left with a choice. Do we choose our version of the story? Or do we choose our Father's?
Do we trust in ourselves, or do we trust in our Father's love?
"You rewrote my name, and shackled my shame, and opened my eyes to see, I am free"--these are lyrics from a song called Liberty by Shane and Shane. God has rewritten our stories, setting us free from our own versions of our past.
We can all tell stories of the good and the bad we have lived through, the fantastic and awful things that have been done to us, and the wonderful and horrible things we have done ourselves. But God tells a different story about each of us. In His story, those things we have experienced and done still matter. They have real consequences and shape our world. But they are not what is most important, they do not define us or our fate. Only His love defines us. And we are given a choice that determines what our life will look like, now and later, and that choice is what we will do in response to God's love.
Which leads to the second illustration--the party. In the story, the father and both of his sons are at the party that the father is throwing. The one son is enjoying the party, rejoicing in his new-found life and trusting in his father's version of his story. The other son rejects the celebration, unable to relinquish his grip on his own version of who he is and how things should work.
Both sons are invited to the party, but the father lets them choose whether or not they participate and enjoy it. You can't force someone to participate in and enjoy a party... that's ridiculous. By definition, if it's forced enjoyment, it isn't really enjoyment. Forced love isn't really love.

God providing us with a choice in how we respond to His love isn't cold indifference. His love necessitates our freedom. Because if we didn't have a choice, it wouldn't be love, would it?

I don't know if there will come a day when every human will decide to join the party. I don't know if there is some point in the future at which the Holy Spirit will have been embraced in the hearts of every human being and we will all respond to God's love with trust and acceptance, participating in and enjoying His forever-fiesta.

Some people firmly believe that that day will come. Others argue heatedly that that day is impossible. I say we can't know whether or not that day will come, or whether or not it is even possible (see my last post). Because what matters is whether or not we choose to trust God's version of our story, and how we respond to His love for us.

When we surrender to a love so huge and so amazing it can only come from God, then things like worship, sharing our faith, serving others, and living lives filled with grace come more naturally. And we discover that our God doesn't need to be defended, because He's bigger and more powerful than that. And we discover we don't need to figure out who is "in" and who is "out," because life with Him is about SO much more than that. And we discover that people actually want to be a part of our lives and get to know our God, because He is just that great and that loving. And there's the hope!

Hope is found in realizing that Jesus doesn't rescue us from God, but that "God is the one who rescues us from death, sin, and destruction. God is the rescuer" (pg 182). Hope is found in giving up our version of our story, and embracing God's rewritten one. Hope is found in trusting in God's love. It's found in accepting His invitation, coming to His party, and celebrating with Him--living life His way because we know He wants only the absolute best for us. Hope is found in acknowledging that there is nothing you can do or say (or not do or not say) that could take away God's love for you (see Romans 8). Hope is found in responding to God's love with a loud, "Yes! I believe that you love me, and I love you too!"

Here are some words I find especially helpful from Bell's book:
"To reject God's grace, to turn from God's love, to resist God's telling, will lead to misery. It is a form of punishment, all on its own.
This is an important distinction, because in talking about what God is like, we cannot avoid the realities of God's very essence, which is love. It can be resisted and rejected and denied and avoided, and that will bring another reality. Now, and then.
We are that free.
When people say they're tired of hearing about 'sin' and 'judgement' and 'condemnation,' it's often because those have been confused for them with the nature of God. God has no desire to inflict pain or agony on anyone.
God extends an invitation to us, and we are free to do with it as we please.
Saying yes will take us in one direction; saying no will take us in another.
God is love, and to refuse this love moves us away from it, in the other direction, and that will, by very definition, be an increasingly unloving, hellish reality.
We do ourselves great harm when we confuse the very essence of God, which is love, with the very real consequences of rejecting and resisting that love, which creates what we call hell" (pg 176-177).

I don't agree with everything Bell says in his book, but I don't agree with everything any Christian says, if I listen long enough. :P I do appreciate much of what he has to say about the nature of heaven, the nature of hell, and the nature of God. I plan to continue searching, learning, and growing as I keep getting to know God; and the more I find of God the more I realize how much more there is to explore! He is bigger than I will ever understand, and heaven, hell and salvation are more than I thought they were before (and I trust more than I understand now, as well).

Salvation is so much more than just going to heaven and avoiding hell at the end of your life. Salvation is an invitation to live life enjoying God's love for you--being constantly freed from sin, death and destruction and learning how to live in purity, joy, and grace. Like Bell explains, "Jesus calls disciples to keep entering into this shared life of peace and joy as it transforms our hearts, until it's the most natural way to live that we can imagine. Until it's second nature. Until we naturally embody and practice the kind of attitudes and actions that will go on in the age to come. A discussion about how to 'just get into heaven' has no place in the life of a disciple of Jesus because it's missing the point of it all" (pg 179).

You see, the good news IS for all people. Will everyone accept their invitation to the party, someday? I don't know. While the answer to that question is a fascinating mystery, one worth thinking about, it can't be our focus. God is about us living in His love NOW. God wins, and love wins, because God's love defeated death, symbolized by Jesus' death on the cross and His resurrection. It's more than a ticket, more than a life-raft. He rescued us with a purpose. To invite us into mind-blowing-ly awesome life. Life that is real and full of Him. A life in which we can join Him in His mission of bringing heaven to earth by living as people who are overflowing with His love.
Now that is some pretty great news. :)

Questions: Of Heaven, Hell, and Hope [Pt. 1]

Ah, dear reader, prepare yourself for something incredibly long-winded, confusing, and full of disclaimers and loose ends.

I started reading "Love Wins" by Rob Bell today and have been really challenged by it. I do not agree with every conclusion he makes. Having said that, his book has broadened my perspective, caused me to think about deep questions, and most importantly has pointed me to Jesus and pushed me towards exploring Him. Because I have many thoughts and fear that in the process of forcing them into coherency I may lose some before they can be captured in type, I'll not attempt to organize. Perhaps before I post this I can rearrange them, but if I never muster the momentum to do so, have fun ;)

[Insert disclaimer here about Rob Bell and you reading on whether you judge or admire him. On a very related note, his book "Sex.God." is one of the most influential books I have ever read and I highly recommend it.]

~~~

When I was in Earth Science class during my sophomore year of high school, we were studying stars, the cosmos, and theories about the origin of the universe. Dense stuff for high school-ers to wade through. A classmate asked me how I could believe that God created the whole universe, and why I chose to believe that He intentionally created everything-- instead of believing that the Big Bang or some other incident coincidentally caused the forming of the earth and everything on it. He raised the classic question of "faith" or "science"? I attempted to articulate that faith and science are not two separate, incongruous ideas. (Although I doubt I knew that word at the time.) I don't remember everything I said, but I remember saying something to the effect of: There is no one alive today who was alive at the beginning of time as we know it. There are no first-hand accounts, no clear empirical evidence that leaves room for only one interpretation, no definite answers. So we all have to choose faith. Whether you place your faith in a theory involving God or not, it's faith. It's believing in something you can't see and can't prove to someone else.

The reason I include this story is that I believe a similar thing to be true of the end of time as we know it to what I believe to be true of the beginning of time as we know it. I want to emphasize that phrase "as we know it." I believe that before the creation of the earth and before we as humans were created by God, God existed. And time as we know it isn't all there is, that's for sure. I believe God exists outside of our idea of time, in another realm that is not bound to time and space as we understand them. But back to that similar thing that is true... no human is able to determine without a doubt what heaven and hell look like. Because no one has been there, whether "there" is a time or a place or a realm or whatever, and come back to deliver irrefutable empirical evidence along with their firsthand account. Furthermore, no one can rightfully claim that so-and-so is definitely in heaven, or definitely in hell.

Which is why I am bothered by conclusions that go against that reality. I'm bothered by people who think they can know the heart of others and decide whether or not a specific person is going to heaven or not. Which means I am bothered by a prior me, of course.

Heaven and hell are more than what I thought they were when I was a kid. Heaven is more than Christians playing harps as we float on clouds in white robes. And hell is more than fire and demons and torture. (And people and their hearts and God and his heart are more dynamic and less easily defined than I thought.)

So if no one can really know for sure what and where and when is heaven, is hell, and both ideas are complex and messy, are they ideas worth wrestling with? I say yes.
Not everything about heaven and hell can we figure out and define clearly. I think we can get at the nature of heaven and hell. I think we can be secure in our standing with God. I think we can, through seeking, find and understand more of God than we knew before. We won't ever know all the answers, but tough questions are worth asking.

I haven't yet finished "Love Wins" and also am beginning to misspell my sixth grade vocabulary words at this hour. Besides, my thoughts are like water poured down a hill covered in rocks--one thought encounters a rock in its path and so rolls off to the left, yet another travels up and over the rock, and a third rolls off to the right of the rock, and a fourth to the left but at a different angle than the first...and so forth. Many directions. :P So I suppose this topic will stretch across at least one more post.

The Church, A Story, and A Wedding

I need a place to spew all of my thoughts from this morning, so here goes nothing. I'm frustrated with the way my church as a whole seems to be operating right now, and the way it/they/we seem to have been operating for some time. In my limited perspective into the decisions made by leadership in the church, it appears that finances, politics, and a lack of love have infiltrated what should be a place for believers to gather, worship, and reach out to the community. Decisions continue to be made that seem to be not only unwise, but also ungodly, unloving, and inconsistent with how I believe Jesus-followers should act. Although I disagree with numerous changes that leaders in the church have made, I'd prefer to believe that these changes are being made with the best intentions. Even granting the leaders the best intentions, the way they are going about these changes is poorly reflecting God's exhortations of humility, kindness, and building one another up. And while I am attempting to keep myself from demonstrating a similar lack of grace to what I believe the church has been and is now demonstrating, I admit it is difficult to do so. I am trying, here, where my words are published and public, to present my thoughts in a humble and gracious way. (If I don't, my advice/rebuke/dissatisfaction merits being discounted.) I could continue on expressing my concerns and I dare say perhaps anger in more certain and expanded terms, but the real crux of the issue is this: they, we, the church, is missing something. I think we're missing out on living in the ocean of God's love. This morning the pastor who spoke touched on the fact that our actions should come from an overflow of God in our heart, not only affecting what we think and what we believe but also how we live our lives. So the most likely explanation, in my opinion, for church leadership visions gone awry and a seeming apparent lack of grace's and love's involvement in decisions towards others is a lack of God in people's hearts. If they/we/the church were/was so saturated to the point of overflowing with God in their/our hearts, then our lives would look radically different! This church would handle things differently, I am convinced, if its leaders were more filled with Christ. Before I am struck by lightning for what I just typed, let me share that MY own life would look radically different, I myself would handle things very differently, if I were more filled with Christ.

I suppose my conclusions about the problems with the church, specifically the one I attend here at home on Sunday mornings, are not earth-shattering or complicated. This church is making poor decisions and presenting a diminishing message of who God is for the very same reason I make poor decisions and misrepresent Him too--we are not being filled to the point of overflowing by God. Let me make myself clear, this is no fault of God's. I picture Him standing over each of us, poised with a jar of everything good--patience, kindness, goodness, love, humility, peace, forgiveness, etc.-- ready to pour Himself into our hearts. Yet we try to fill ourselves up with things other than Him, chasing after the false, the temporary, the ungodly. And it is the evidence of this that is shown when we fall short. When the church doesn't look like it is living out God's love, when church leaders act seemingly without grace, when I respond to God and others with selfishness--it is an indication of a lack of God inside our hearts.

In my last post I traveled through the manifold of emotions involved in running away from God, realizing that, and coming back to Him. I think we do this all the time, in small and big ways. But I promise I'm done being depressing now and I'm finished pointing out what is wrong. Just because we mess up majorly doesn't mean all is lost--this is not a performance, it's a relationship, and thankfully one that, because God is the other person in the relationship, entails never-ending amounts of mercy and grace! :) Now I want to talk about what it looks like when we do it right... how living in closeness with God can and should look.

This morning in church we sang a song that describes the gospel and the story of the world in a creative, beautiful way. The song is called "Holy (Wedding Day)" by The City Harmonic. To me, it expresses well how our lives should look. Can people tell what our story is all about from the way we are living our lives? Our story is about a holy God-groom who loves His people-bride; it is the story of a perfect God's loving rescue of His sinful people that culminates in a wedding-celebration; it is the story of God's kingdom coming to Earth, how He defeated death and how, in His power, we as His people are defeating death, too. Well here, I'll let the music say it better than I can :)

"This is the story of the Son of God
Hanging on the cross for me
But it ends with a bride and groom
And a wedding by a glassy sea
O death where is your sting
Cause I'll be there singing
Holy Holy Holy
Is the Lord

This is the story of a bride in white
Waiting on her wedding day
Anticipation welling up inside
While the groom is crowned as king
O death where is your sting
Cause we'll be there singing
Holy Holy Holy is the Lord

Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy
Is the Lord Almighty
Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy
Is the Lord Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
Who was and is and is to come

This is the story of the Son of God
Hanging on the cross for me
And it ends with a bride and groom
And a wedding by a glassy sea

This is the story of the a bride in white
Singing on her wedding day

Of the God who was and is to stand before a bride who sings
Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty"

I'm still figuring out exactly what it looks like to daily surrender myself to my loving God. I am continually learning that He is the only one who deserves my heart, that His love is the only thing that can fulfill me, and that I am happiest when I'm close to Him--because that's how He created me to live, in constant closeness to Him. I have every reason to follow Him wherever He leads me. He has proven His faithfulness and His goodness. He is a relentless Lover and a powerful King, both Servant and Savior. I think I've said this before, but I'll never run out of God to keep exploring. I think that the more I learn to open up and receive His love, letting Him pour Himself/goodness into my heart, the more that my life will reflect Him. The more time I spend getting to know Him, and just with Him, the more I'll resemble Him, and more goodness will flow through my thoughts, beliefs, and life. 

It sounds so simple and I know it's not. Well, maybe it is simple, just not easy. Definitely not easy. If it were easy, then I would have it down, my church leaders would have it down, and the church throughout the world would be a better picture of God's love. But the mess and the beauty of the situation is that God chose His bride to be a people who are broken and in need of Him everyday. So this won't be a one chapter kind of story... this is an epic journey, a forever story, filled with battles and banquets, wounds and worship, all. The plus side is that we know how the story ends. It ends in us being united with God--His love wins in the end, and death is defeated and we are saved! I don't think we need to wait until then to keep learning how to better love God back. 

I suppose this is like a continuation of my last post... when you get frustrated with yourself, your church, the church as whole, it's okay and it's good and it's necessary to figure out what is going wrong. Are you running away from God? Are you trying to fill yourself up with things other than Him? Are you letting His love flow through you and into each of your decisions? Once you've asked hard questions and confronted issues as you come back to God from whatever state you have found yourself in, take a deep breath and know that this is not the end of the story. Realize that God loves us in all of our failure and plans to keep loving us forever. Realize that this is the story "Of the God who was and is to stand before a bride who sings... Holy Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty"! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3oLqAmXc-c Holy (Wedding Day) by The City Harmonic

Running Away and Coming Back

Well this may be a bit more serious than most of happy posts. Insert disclaimers here about how I lead an incredibly blessed life and how I am very thankful for everything and everyone in it.

Lyrics to the song "Empty My Hands" by Tenth Avenue North are running through my head right now, specifically this part--" Cause my mind is like a building burning down, I need Your grace to keep me, Well keep me from the ground, My heart is just a prisoner of war, A slave to what it wants and to what I'm fighting for, So won't You…// So empty my hands, Fill up my heart, Capture my mind with You, Oh, empty my hands, Fill up my heart, Capture my mind with You, With You" 

I love this song, and I have since I discovered it earlier this year. I feel like the words are the words of my prayers lately, which is why they have been running through my mind. You see, I'm caught in that terrible place where I want to be in love with God, I want to be desiring Him and pursuing Him in every area of my life, and I know in my head and can recite well all the reasons why I should be surrendering everything to Him, but--the awful but-- the details of my life simply aren't adding up to reflect the lovely list in the first half of this sentence. There's this war going on, and I love Him, but I'm not loving Him well. If love is a verb (it is), then I am slacking in acting it out (I am). I can't even claim that I don't know what's holding me back, or that I don't understand this phenomenon, because I do. I have identified the things that are holding me back from an intimate relationship with God, I have confessed of them and prayed about them and made resolution after resolution, read biblical book after book, written out verse after verse, and yet I continue to fall back into the position of slacker. Well, not even just slacker. It's worse than that...it's the lover who runs to Him, and then runs away the next day to another's house, and then runs back claiming I've learned and want to try again, only to leave again the next day. I know I don't have to be perfect at loving God back--He bought my life with blood so that I would be able to belong to Him regardless of how I fall short of deserving that relationship with Him. But I am not living in the joy, freedom, and peace that I can lay claim to when I'm in a relationship with God! And I could be, I can be. Life with Him can be so much more than this. I'm not embracing the real life that He has for me. 

At least, I wasn't for most of today. And for many days. But between when I started writing this post and now, I talked out my frustrations with two of my closest friends and also with God... I had a mini breakdown which involved crying out to God about what's going on inside my head and my heart. I told Him about the mess of my job, license, and car situation. I told Him about my anger over my lack of resolve, and my fears about my future, and my unhappiness with certain parts of my now. I asked Him to come get me from the place that I was in, and realizing I sounded like a little kid, amended my request, asking Him to help me to come to Him from where I was. I listened to another amazing song, "Rest," by Nevertheless. It's kind of my go-to for when I need to turn myself around and run back into the Jesus' arms again. How miserable I was tonight may actually be a sign of how much I truly want to be close with God. If I didn't desire Him, then I wouldn't have been so upset about feeling far away from Him. Huh. While freaking out over stuff tonight wasn't fun, I think it was a good learning experience for me. Whenever I run away from Him, or even drift away from Him, sin, insecurity, doubt, worry, and a poor view of myself rush in. But when I run TO Him, even with all sorts of needs and problems, forgiveness, security, strength, peace, and the truth of who I am in Him invade. 

Sometimes I get frustrated with my human self for not constantly running to God. It feels amazing to be close to Him, to be listening for His voice and seeing life through God-tinted lenses. Why in the world would I ever move away from that?? I don't have a great answer, but I think it must be because 1) I'm still a human living here on earth and 2) He lets us choose Him. A love that is chosen and not forced is beautiful... I kind of think that while me running away from Him makes Him sad, He's overjoyed to welcome me each time I choose Him again. 

Do you have one of those friends who is super great, but people who don't know him/her have an inaccurate picture of him/her, and don't see your friend the way that you do? Have you ever said, "If you would just spend time with him/her, you'd see!" ? 

I think that's how it works with God. I don't need to mentally convince myself into loving Him more--that wouldn't work anyways, because it would just all be a false front with no real affection or bond. But He is awesome. And all it takes for me to be thoroughly convinced of this is to spend time with Him. Just being with Him, in His presence, I'm reminded of who He is and why I love Him so much. Maybe the remedy for repairing and strengthening my relationship with God is similar to how I would improve any other relationship: we need to communicate, and we need to spend time together, getting to know each other even better than before. God already knows me inside and out, but I will never run out of Him to get to know :) I'm glad He takes me back. I'm glad He answers my prayers for Him to draw close to me. 

This is the one relationship in my life where I need to work on being more clingy, needy, and dependent. Isn't that a funny thought? :) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fWUzs6kT1g (Empty My Hands)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGSvM6I6wiM (Rest)

Freshman Year Reflection: the Heart and Happy Valley

Hmmm... I suppose now would be a good time to start that reflection post that I was so eager to write earlier. Funny how, now that I'm done, it seems harder to gain momentum enough to organize my thoughts on the past two semesters. I'll make no promises for brevity on this one--in fact, consider this line my apology in advance for what may be a very long entry.

I posted a note on Facebook over the summer called "If My Heart Was a House You'd Be Home" (https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150259602626520). In it, I enumerated my hopes and goals for my freshman year of college. I made both good decisions and mistakes, as predicted. Though, I'd like to think, more of the former than the latter. :P I have changed...and there are parts of me that I have yet to tackle with the intent of changing them and still other parts which I do not intend to change and have held onto. I hope I have made a difference. When I switched schools after my freshman year in high school I made the mistake of not truly expecting to invest in other people's lives on a personal level; in going off to college I made up my mind to be intentional about making and building relationships. And I have done so--of course I'm not perfect and have fallen short in friendships (see two posts ago!), but I have been intentional about being a part of other's lives. Many of my friendships surprised even me as they grew quickly into some of the most important relationships in my life...friends I have met only months ago are now integral to my life, as I turn to them for laughter, for advice, for support, for fellowship, for companionship. Two of my teachers in particular challenged me as a writer, one for a comparative literature course in the fall and one for English 030 in the spring. My knowledge of psychology is (and forever will be) far from infinite, but I have learned an array of fascinating facts and phenomena through two psychology courses and indirectly through communication and human development courses. In my FB note I also stated, " I want to learn more about how to love, how to be loved, and how to share God's love with a world that so desperately needs to feel that love." This is surely an ongoing process, one I don't want to ever finish. But yes, I do believe I have made strides, or maybe more accurately steps, in the direction of better giving, accepting, and sharing love. This has been inextricably linked to the lovely new friends I referenced above, as well as to my relationships with "old" friends and family. I have taken risks for love this year, and I have also begun to better care for the house that is my heart. A couple of my new friends have seen rooms in disarray and have helped me to maintain my heart, and a few have come through the front door to my heart and already left. (Perhaps to return someday, perhaps not. My open-door policy analogy remains.) I even think I've been invited inside the heart-homes of others, a joy that may well be unequaled by anything else in the realm of relationships.
In closing the note, I exclaimed that I could not wait to learn and to love, and I have definitely both learned and loved! So, on the deep level of what is truly important (aside from GPA and credits accumulated), my freshman year can be considered a resounding success.

Ah, what an adventure this first year of college has been! In some ways, I do feel older and more experienced in this thing called life. In other ways, I feel as much a little kid in need of guidance and direction as I did before I left. My parents are embracing this transitional stage of life exceptionally well, and I cannot thank them enough for their simultaneous generous support and freedom--though I will endeavor to continue to thank them! I could rant about how much they mean to me, how well they have handled this and are handling me, but I'm not convinced that words would do justice. It must suffice to say I am extremely grateful. I hesitate to say what I want to say next, but I'll add a disclaimer first: I know the change of going away to college is a very difficult one for most people, riddled with tough questions and even tougher adjustments. I have watched friends dive into college headfirst and then hit obstacles, I have seen friends cautiously dip their toes in the water and slowly wade in, etc.--everyone has their own style of approaching such a major life change. I'm not sure what approach I took, and if forced to describe my technique I think the closest approximation would be a dizzying balancing act between diving in too fast and trying to stay close enough to the shore. Whatever the case, I transitioned well. There were bumps along the way--problems I didn't expect to need to confront, setbacks I didn't anticipate encountering--but I am no worse for the wear. On the contrary, I feel better for it.
To quote a friend, upon packing up to come back to Hershey and live in my family's home for the summer, I thought to myself, "Am I leaving home or coming home?" It's an odd thing, to feel that you've bonded to a geographical location. [Heads up, here comes a tangent.] You know how the verbs saber and conocer in Spanish differ in meaning/usage? Well, you use one for facts and information that you know (saber) and one for people and places that you know (conocer). It always struck me as a little funny that you could know a place personally enough to consider it alongside people that you know. Like, "State College, I was pleased to meet you!" Or, "I was fortunate to make the acquaintance of the lovely State College this past year." Yeah, that seems a bit weird. Although the wording is strange, both of those statements are pretty true. Of course it isn't the innate qualities of the town that give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside, but it's the combination of the friends and memories I have made there, the way the sun shines through the trees, the pathways I've walked around campus, the flowers I've watched die and bloom again, the whole process of getting to know the area (which is definitely not yet complete!). But I'll miss Happy Valley, I know that.

In the past two semesters I have witnessed a devastating scandal involving individuals affiliated with my university, and also the power of hope and light to overcome darkness when people join together in solidarity to stand for what is right and in support of those who have been wronged (or even allegedly wronged, to be politically/legally correct here). I have witnessed the astounding success of another year of THON, a beacon of strength and hope for families affected by cancer that continues to shine brighter and brighter year after year, despite--and perhaps to spite-- the evils of disease and darkness in this world. I have witnessed great growth in the perspective and personal lives of friends. I have witnessed my family learn together and continue to strengthen bonds with each other. I have witnessed the foundations being built, and built upon, for what I believe will be friendships that will remain important to me for the rest of my life. I have witnessed the pervasive work of God through any and all circumstances, and in my own heart and life. And still more. :)

In the fall when I return to State College, it will be with even more excitement than I had last fall. And, I'm fairly certain, much less anxiety. No matter what the year ahead holds, I have a community there. I know people. :P I have my friends, Navs, and New Hope Church, and I will look forward to having those experiences with community again.
I cannot successfully convey my contentment with my decision to attend Penn State. For a million reasons, I made the right decision, or better yet, God led me/placed me/has used me there. The people I've met have been the best part of the journey thus far!
I'm going to be present wherever I am this summer. I am going to enjoy this summer, and I have a list of goals for the summer ranging from books to read to personal growth (and beginning with a certain achievement about which those closer to me know!). I am already loving being able to spend time with my family and my dog, and can't wait to catch up with some friends from high school.
So I do not plan to overlook or wish away this summer, not at all! But when the fall season rolls around again, I will look forward to transitioning once more. And, the whole point of post--my first year of college was as incredible and growth-inspiring as is humanly possible, and I can't say thank you to God, my family, and my friends enough for the fact that they are largely what makes that statement true.

Taylor Swift and Time

So for a couple of reasons I've been listening to Taylor Swift's music a lot over the past few days. I love how she sings about her life so honestly. You can take whatever position on her and her music that you'd like to, and I'm not saying I'm her number one fan or anything. What I am saying...back to that. Every time I listen to her music it makes me want to write my own--about my own life, my own friends, my own feelings. And so I did :)
It's nothing stellar, and I doubt it will ever make it past my song/poems lyric book, but it helped me nonetheless. Writing and music are two therapeutic things, so why not combine them? I love it :D Even if no one will ever hear any of my songs or read any of my poems, they help me transform my thoughts into something akin to art, and provide for tons of entertainment and reflection when I read them later on down the road.

Anywho, unfortunately now is not an opportune time to be nostalgic and artsy, with the end of the semester--along with my dreaded five finals--rapidly approaching. In about 10 days, I'll be two hours from here, adjusting to living at home for the summer. Weird. Exciting and happy and weird.

Of course as the semester ends I begin to look back not only on this semester but also on my whole first year as a freshman in college. What an incredible journey it has been! But I promised myself I'd wait to write my "looking back" post until after finals, so I'll stick to that. I plan to write extensively on the subject in a couple of weeks. :)

So... take away message for you, reader? I suppose it would be one of two things: 1) Be inspired by others. Even if what you create is nothing to display, it might help you to make sense of what you're thinking and feeling. 2) Make time to look back. It can be so encouraging to see how far you've come, what God has done in your life, and what you've learned (whether through easy or difficult circumstances, it will still be valuable). :)
And now back to studying!

Caring, Rambling, and Reassurance

Before I resign myself to continuing my satire rough draft for English, which will probably be rather time-consuming, I'll chronicle a few of my recent thoughts here.
I think that my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness, in that when I care, I CARE. When I meet someone and become attached to them and begin a friendship with them, I don't just care halfway... Which is usually good. At the same time, I have to learn how to give them space. And while I'd like to think I've come light-years from where I was in middle school, or even last year, with maintaining this balance of loving like crazy and being patient and reasonable and rational and healthy at the same time, I know I'm not finished learning.
Some days the learning process is fun, even exciting, as I notice myself improving in different areas of relating to people. Other days, it's just annoying that I'm not perfect at it, yet, and far more annoying to realize that I never will be perfect at it. I've always been a bit of an oddball; introspection and analyzing the crap out of everything seem to come naturally to me. When I was in middle school and beginning to realize that I would never be the best at anything--someone was always smarter, faster, prettier, more fun, more skilled, more interesting, just plain better--I decided to rationalize in my head that this was okay. I decided I didn't have to be the best at any of the things that other people were so darned good at. At the end of the day, who really cares if you're a great athlete, great student, great looking, great at this or that, if you don't give back to others? You see, some of this is a bit rational. I took inventory and realized the one thing that I was fairly skilled at was talking to other people, helping them out when they had a problem, and caring for them when they needed to feel cared for. So I decided that would be my goal, my skill, my spiritual gift, my niche, my thing. I would be the best friend anyone could ever dream of, a better friend than anyone could ask for, I would love like nobody's business.
This is a super worthwhile pursuit, and on the surface and in those words, still pretty true of me. But this is different than those other things that people become good at and are admired for. Because with this thing, this goal of being the best friend ever, there are no record times to beat, there are no benchmarks to say who is better and who is best. And there shouldn't be, either. But it's something that is hard to measure. And it's also something I can't pursue just for my own sake. Because if I only want to be a great friend so that I can be called a great friend, then right then I have become NOT a great friend, by being selfish and putting myself first and missing the whole point. So this is tricky business.
It can't be this thing to be attained or achieved. Not anymore. It can still be my quest, but only for the sake of others, and for the sake of Christ.
And now we circle back around to where I began...caring deeply. There are things that, as a friend, even the bestest friend you've ever seen, I can't do for other people. There are hurts that only God can heal, there are thoughts that only He can see, there are songs of the heart that only He can understand...more than all of that, there are pasts that only He can know, and there are futures that only He can see, and there are present's where only He can be. I have to be okay with the fact that my love only goes so far. And then, the hardest part, I have to trust my God to take care of my friends. I have to trust that even though they are going through what seems like unending darkness, He is there, in all His brilliant light, watching and protecting and understanding and caring and loving and shining.

So I've rambled on for quite some time now, mostly about myself. But this is really about YOU. God LOVES you, more than you know, I promise. When I look at how much I love a friend, and sometimes that feels like a whole heck of a lot--I cry for them, I pray for them, and I can't imagine caring any more than I do--I can't help but have my mind blown by the fact that no matter how much I care, God cares infinitely more. That's a lot, times... times God. :) Which means that wherever you are, whatever you are going through, no matter what your past looks like, what your now feels like, and how scary or unclear your future may seem, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are loved. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, beyond a reason why. You're loved beyond my capability to love, beyond both of our understandings of love. And that should reassure us both. :)

PS- Listen to the song "Not Alone" by Red, and really soak in the lyrics.