Memories of Maggie

On February 24th, 2002, my life was changed forever when my little sister Maggie came into the world. She was born with a full head of dark, bushy hair, and an adorable little nose, and quite the set of lungs. I loved her before she was even born, and I love her still. She brought so much joy and meaning into my life, and I am proud to be her sister. And I can't explain how much it hurts to not be able to give her a birthday hug for the first time in 14 years.

Tonight I started writing her a letter, to try to somehow deal with her absence this week, as I should be writing in a card for her to hang up on her wall the way she always did to copy me. But that letter is a little too full of bitterness and anger and heartbreak to share with the world. Mixed in with all of the darkness of grief is also a deep sense of gratitude that I ever got to have her at all. So here I want to share some of my last memories with her to celebrate the love she brought into my life and the place in my heart that will always belong to her.

The last time I got to spend with Mag in person was on a weekend away about a month before she died. I met up with Mom, Dad, Maggie and Katie, as well as Grandma and Papaw, and Uncle Dave, Aunt Sue, Alex and Alex's friend Jack for a long weekend in Ohiopyle, PA over Labor Day 2015. Ben wasn't able to join us due to obligations at college, but we all thought of him often. Maggie's attendance for the weekend had been looking iffy because she hadn't been doing well in her then current inpatient stay, one in a string of several. She had really wanted to come and everyone felt it would be good for her, so in the end Mom and Dad were able to pick her up on their way to the house where we all stayed for the weekend.
We all had so much fun together- swimming in the river, getting our rafting tube stuck a thousand times on rocks, relaxing in the hot tub, roasting marshmallows, and cracking each other up.
Maggie and I shared a bed and it was so nice to wake up in the mornings to see her sleeping peacefully next to me (even if she did kick and snore in her sleep, haha!). That weekend we got to catch up more than we'd been able to do over the brief phone conversations we had while she had been inpatient that time. I told her about Justin Bieber's new song- "what do you mean he's cool now?" she asked, followed by, "I feel like I've been living under a rock without social media." She had moments when she withdrew from us, but it was never too long before she would get pulled back in by the contagious laughter, or the offer for a back massage, or the invitation to a new activity or conversation.
At the end of the weekend Mom, Dad, Maggie and Katie chose a lunch stop that was partway on their way and also my way home (they were headed back to PA and I was headed back to VA). We stopped off in some little town in Maryland and ate McDonald's in the grass outside the restaurant. It was a really sunny day out so we walked around the town and found an ice cream shop. Eventually we all needed to get back on the road and I hugged everyone goodbye. I had no idea that would be the last time I would hug Mag, and I can't even remember if I said "I love you" to her or to anyone else as we got back into our separate cars. I probably did but I wish I could remember for sure. For some reason I can recall her Jaws t-shirt and her long lanky legs and her messy bun and her tired smile, but not the words we said. I know for sure that I told her I loved her at some point throughout the weekend, in between other hugs and kisses and laughs.

The last time I texted back and forth with her was on September 9th, a few days after the Labor Day weekend trip. She was getting ready to watch the newest episode of a show we used to watch together called "Switched at Birth." It's an ABC Family drama, aptly categorized as such for the crazy amount of drama written into each short episode. She texted me a picture with a quote from the upcoming episode saying "oh no this looks intense" with a crying face emoji. I texted back saying that it was intense, and the last text I sent said "Don't worry it's happy at the end though!" She didn't respond after that because it was getting late at night.

The next month of her life was spent in and out of inpatient centers with not much more than a week in between stays, from what I can remember. Sometimes she was allowed to get phone calls and letters, and whenever possible I tried to connect with her that way. She often wasn't very talkative over the phone, but when I would ask her if she was done talking with me or if she wanted me to hang up, she would tell me to just keep talking about myself and stay on the line, because she wanted to keep "visiting" but didn't have anything else to say. The last time she was inpatient she wasn't able to receive phone calls. I'm not sure when the last time I talked with her on the phone was, but it was likely sometime in mid-September. One thing I regret is not calling her after her last discharge. The night my parents brought her home again I texted Dad to see how things were going, and I got updates throughout the weekend of the fun things they were doing to celebrate her homecoming. I had made plans to have a "sister night" with Maggie and Katie on October 10th, and figured that since I would be seeing the girls in only about a week I would have a better chance to catch up with them both in person. Of course at the time I had no idea that I wouldn't get the chance to ever talk to Mag again; I still wish I had called.

Something that's always bothered me as long as I can remember is when people leave without saying goodbye. I used to make my friends turn around on their way out of youth group to come back and give me a hug and a proper farewell, despite knowing I would see some of them the very next morning in school. It will always bother me that I didn't get a goodbye from Maggie. I would of course rather there have been no need for a goodbye, but the fact that she didn't leave any personal message to me hurts. There were a thousand times that she was so thoughtful towards me; I have piles of cards and notes and coloring pages that she gave me over the years. Based on the rest of her life I can only assume that she was so far out of her right mind that she wasn't able to consider how her death would affect me, would affect all of us. I think if she'd been able to think clearly enough to leave a proper goodbye, then maybe she wouldn't have left at all. Lacking a real goodbye, I'm so thankful that the last time I got to physically spend with her is full of positive memories, and for the ability to relive years worth of memories in pictures and reread all the sweet messages she wrote to me on paper.

It's hard to feel much like celebrating her birthday this year, but I do want to remember her. These last almost five months have been the hardest of my life. As I continue to learn how to live with grief, there have been new joys, new memories, new friends, and new hope brought into my life. I am trying my best to allow myself to experience all parts of this life, and through it all to remember her. I hope that she is able to see both my tears and my smiles, and I hope that she is able to feel my forever love for her. Happy 14th Maggie, we all miss you so much. <3

I found this picture today as I was looking through old Facebook photo albums. She wrote in chalk "I love Cory." This is from March 2011 :)

A collage of some of my favorite camera-captured moments with Maggie over the years.

Seven Weeks

Disclaimer: this is a bit raw, more than a bit sad, and a lot emotional. It's about my feelings, which these days are mostly sad, with a bit of hope mixed in.

Tonight marks seven weeks since I lost my little sister Maggie to suicide. It stings to type that, to think that. It's a harsh new reality for me that still steals my breath in the worst way and at the most random times.

Today at work things were busy but I got a lot done and things went smoothly for the most part. I chatted with coworkers, checked things off my to-do list, even tidied my desk before I left for the night. I met up with a coworker for dinner after work and we enjoyed really great conversation, we laughed and I gave her a hug when we left. I texted my parents, sharing how happy I was to be making friends here in my new home after a few months of living here.
As I was driving home a song came on my playlist that I've listened to probably a hundred times in the last seven weeks but for some unknown reason this time it made me think about missing Maggie more than it ever did before, and as I pulled my car into a parking spot at my apartment I began to fall apart. And so I sat in my car and cried for about fifteen minutes before I decided to go into my apartment, where my roommate greeted me with a hug and a large amount of understanding. I am so thankful for her.

This week is Thanksgiving. And I don't want to do this week. I don't want to face my first holiday without one of my most favorite people in the whole world. I don't want the head count to be five instead of six. I've never spent a major holiday apart from anyone in my immediate family; we've just always been close and always prioritized family time and always been fortunate to be together.

In the past I've been like a little kid in my levels of excitement for holidays. I love all the cheesy holiday-specific products that I know are mostly designed so companies make more money but they feel like extra little celebrations to me and so I buy some of them anyways (the Halloween cookie cut-outs, for example, with pumpkin stamps on them!)

And so this year, this week, I'm feeling like I am caught in a terrible, beautiful, overwhelming stormy sea of emotions. I like holidays, I love family time. And yet I can't help but feel the ache of loss to a deeper degree as I face this first holiday without Mag. And I know it's not truly without her, because she'll be in our thoughts and our hearts and our conversation and I hope and pray we will even feel her presence. But it'll be without her tangible company, and that thought is enough to break me down in the middle of a drive home from work, in the middle of typing this blog post. How do I live my life, really live it, while allowing myself to experience this grief? How do I seize each moment with my loved ones who are still physically here with me, make new memories, and yet feel the emptiness in my heart that will always be Maggie's place? I don't know. So far, I'm taking it moment by moment. Let myself be happy for the lovely dinner conversation. Let myself break down by the reminder of the loss. Let myself be comforted by the hug from my roommate. Let myself laugh at the funny internet video. Let myself cry again as I write about my life.

Feeling lots of feelings isn't something new for me. I've long been "in touch" with my emotions, long been someone who feels things deeply, and wants to. But experiencing this level of negative emotions is certainly a new frontier for me, grief is new, and loss is largely new to me. And I recognize how blessed a life I have lived to be able to say that this is new, however terrible it is.

So even though a big part of me really doesn't want to do this week, I know that this week is going to happen with or without my permission. And there are good moments to be felt in this week, I know that too. There are memories to be made with family and friends. There will be sadness, and there will be happy times too, because I will be with people I care about who care about me. Ben will make me smile and Katie will make me laugh and Mom and Dad will make me feel loved, and time with my friends will make it easier to breathe in the moments we are talking about their lives, their challenges, their joys. And so my game plan for this week, and for life in general right now, is to try to embrace as much of it as possible. Remembering Maggie hurts, and feeling her absence is the worst feeling I've ever felt. But I don't want to forget her, and even the memories that cut through me like a knife also make me smile. It feels right to remember her, to keep her spirit close to mine, to think about her and to talk about her. (And sometimes to talk to her, thanks for passing along those messages, Jesus.)

A couple of months ago I started this "dare" from a book I was reading that challenged me to list 1,000 gifts from God. The author explains that for her, discovering more joy in life came from discovering more about God's goodness, which came from purposefully noting God's many gifts to her in her every day life. There's a lot more to it, but that's the basic idea, and I loved it. I started listing and the more I looked the more I saw, and it was fun. Since losing Maggie, I've been taking a break from my list. I've been thankful for many things in the past seven weeks, and I've thanked those around me and even God for some of those things. But I couldn't bring myself to start my list back up again because it felt insincere, no matter how thankful I do feel, to pursue joy when I am feeling so much sorrow. To thank God when I am still confused and angry at Him for letting Maggie leave, for not answering "yes" to my desperate prayers that night for her to be found safe, and if not safe, at the very least alive. But I've recently remembered that my God can handle it if I am simultaneously confused and angry and sad and also thankful. I can be sad and happy and everything in between, and I can be it all in this moment, and the next, and this week. It's exhausting, and there will be moments when I can't handle feeling it all, and I'll just block it out. And that will be okay, too.

And so in the spirit of embracing this messy life, here is a short sample of things I'm thankful for from the past seven weeks:
1) Cheryl driving 5 hours in the middle of the night so that I could be with my family as soon as possible after hearing the worst news
2) My parents, and my whole family, being surrounded by loving close friends in our darkest hours, days, and weeks
3) Friends from different chapters of my life, different states and different countries reaching out to let me know that I have been in their thoughts and prayers
4) A boss who not only let me take a week off with no notice and insisted I not make up the hours, but also told me to choose when I came back to work, baked me homemade bread, wrote me a handwritten card, and still asks each week how I'm doing
5) Coworkers who bought me flowers and cried when they first talked to me about Maggie
6) Getting to go home for Halloween and help Katie do her makeup and walk around to the first half of the houses with her
7) Having a dream in which Maggie hugged me and told me she loved me
8) Wearing Maggie's shoes and feeling a little bit closer to her
9) Planning hang outs with friends
10) Remembering the last time I saw Maggie, the weekend we shared a bed and I hugged her and snuggled with her and laughed with her and even counted gifts with her and read her part of my list, highlighting ones that included her
11) Warm blankets as the weather gets cold
12) Pictures capturing hundreds of moments of Maggie and I together over the years
13) Being able to text Ben and Katie and Mom and Dad and hear from them every week
14) Coming home from work each day to a roommate who is also one of my best friends
And much more.

I know this post was a lot to share with the world wide web. Lately I've been reading blog posts from others who have lost loved ones, and their vulnerability and heart-wrenching honest words filled with hope mixed with sorrow have been a comfort to me. My hope is that in sharing this openly that someone else may feel less alone as they travel their own unique journey with grief. There are many characteristics of Maggie that I hope to make more a part of who I am going forward- one of them being her willingness to share her struggles whenever she felt it might help someone else to feel less alone in their pain. <3

"I Want Crazy"

The song "I Want Crazy" by Hunter Hayes came on my favorite local country radio station (98.7) on my drive home from work last night. It's a really fun song, and even though in my last dating relationship it used to be one of "our" songs, I found myself happily singing along to every word. I love the lyrics...it talks about not wanting a love that is mediocre, but one that drives you crazy in the best way, passionate love. Obviously in any relationship, especially romantic ones, there are going to be tough times when commitment to one another, not feelings for one another, is the glue that holds the two people together. This song's declaration of that crazy, passionate kind of love reminds me of a quote I've seen on Pinterest: "Unless it's mad, passionate, or extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life; love shouldn't be one of them." While I don't agree that any love could be a waste of time, the second sentence really does resonate with me. Why bother loving if it isn't deeply, intentionally, passionately? Before my last dating relationship there was a period of time when I said that I was not going to date/become romantically involved/whatever you want to call it, unless it seemed crazy not to. This was, of course, inspired by another great song about love... Danny Gokey (who I've met, fun fact!) has a song called "Crazy Not To" that he reportedly wrote about falling in love with his wife. He sings about how he's only willing to give up the safety net of not being in love because this woman makes him feel like he would be crazy not to pursue the relationship (worded in more fun ways of course, because it's a song!). I really did stick to that particular idea, and only started dating after several months of thinking it over, when it seemed to reach a point where I would have been crazy not to go for it. And even though it ended, I do still think it was "meant to be" for the time that it was. A weird thought, maybe, but it makes sense to me. I learned so much, grew so much, etc through that relationship. There were of course ups and downs, and maybe it should have ended sooner than it did. But for the vast majority of the course of the relationship, for me it really was that crazy, passionate love. I was so in love- lose sleep to stay up late texting when he's upset, drive through a blizzard just to see him one more time before a long period of time apart, list 52 reasons I love him for a Valentine's Day present, think about him all the time- that kind of love. And I smile looking back on it, and I smile when I see other people in my life who are so obviously and wonderfully experiencing crazy love, and I think to myself "I know how they are feeling" and I'm happy. I'm happy to know what it feels like to have been crazy in love.

Everyone who knows me well at all knows that I'm a hopeless romantic and proud of it. It has been a dream/life goal of mine as long as I can remember to one day fall irretrievably in love, marry, and raise children. Although my career ambitions are also very important to me, if I had to choose between being a successful psychologist and having a family (a choice I will endeavor to never have to make), I would choose the family with no deliberation and no regrets. Of course, it's my aim to have both. ;) While these are my dreams/goals, I must say that I am thankful to have been/to be single in this current "season" of my life. To have navigated my senior year of college and the academic and personal stress involved there, the job hunt and subsequent relocation, and to navigate my current busy and somewhat unpredictable work schedule, all without affecting a significant other has been an unexpected blessing. I am an extrovert in terms of how I feel energized, which is nearly always through interpersonal interaction. I have really come to enjoy time alone, but after a few days it becomes stifling rather than restful for me. I'm not sure if this is best or not, but the most core ways that I define myself are generally in relation to others; the most important roles that I see for myself in life are those that relate to the people closest to me- daughter, sister, friend, etc. So relationships are important to me. But I recognize that right now in my life it's not only convenient to be single, but it's also a blessing. There are things I can only enjoy right now because I don't have the role of girlfriend or wife. Aside from the things I already listed, other benefits include: more time to invest in other relationships in my life like family and friends, no feeling torn when I have time off- being able to prioritize my family with no need to factor in time for a guy/in-laws, being able to pick up last minute appointments or change my hours last minute at work because the only person directly affected by my schedule most days is me, not needing to feel the financial strain of preparing for my own wedding as I start my first job but instead being able to budget for the weddings of my friends that I'll attend in the near future, being able to make travel plans last minute, going to sleep pretty much whenever I want each night with no demands on my time from a boyfriend/husband/children, no one depending on me to feed them except myself, and the list goes on. Someday, when I fall in love and a man falls in love with me and it seems crazy not to, I will happily relinquish all of these benefits and put in the work to enjoy the relationship that comes with crazy love. That's what I'm waiting for. :)

Most people in my life who are close enough to me to feel okay asking about my "relationship status" already know it, or are interested because they personally care about my happiness and know my hopes for a family someday. There are of course those few people who make the jokes or slightly insensitive comments like "so no Mrs. degree with your graduation from college?" To those people, which thankfully are very few in my life!, this blog post is all that I wish I could say in those passing moments of social interactions. Yes, I want crazy love. I want it to naturally develop out of a real friendship connection, which isn't something I can go find or manufacture or control. So I just wait, until it is God's timing to give me that gift, or maybe some other gifts instead that will be even better than what I think that I want. :) In the meantime though, I am not pining away for love lost or love not yet found. No, as I wait, I am happy (okay, giddy even) to enjoy the stories of crazy love being told all around me, whether that be in book or film, or better yet the lives of the people I care about. So here's to you, reader- I hope that you, also, experience love that is passionate, deep, and crazy in the best way. :)

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Link for Hunter Hayes "I Want Crazy" with lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WOODJ7lYi0

Link for Danny Gokey's "Crazy Not To" with lyrics in the description below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BW-1KWnr6Q

Nueva a NOVA

I'm not sure if I can use that Spanish word for "new" in that context or not, but it seemed fitting to use Spanish for the title of this post because in my new locale (NOVA= Northern Virginia) there are a lot of Spanish speakers! Which is exciting, because that also means cool ingredients in the grocery store and lots of Mexican restaurants (Mexican food is my favorite).

Despite adjusting to driving in significantly more traffic than I've ever driven in before, I am really liking my new hometown. Centreville, where I live, is much quieter than Fairfax, where I work, and yet still not too far a distance from my frequent haunts (read: Giant, Walmart, Chipotle). Actually, there's a Chipotle-one of my most favorite restaurants-literally around the corner from my apartment complex. I may or may not have been there an embarrassing number of times already... No regrets. Conveniently, there is also a Dollar Store and a US post office in that same plaza, along with a gas station, a Subway, and a few other stores. The way I described it to my parents when they came to help me move in was "there are so many places to spend money around here!"

Speaking of my parents, they're the best. They helped me move almost everything I own into a second floor apartment in a building with no elevators. They paid for the Uhaul, which Dad drove from PA, and even spent the rest of the move-in day with me at the apartment pool and a nearby mall (only like 20 mins away and bigger than most from home). My nuclear and extended family have been super supportive of me moving into this next phase of life, not that I expected anything different. :) I'm super grateful for technology that allows me to stay in touch with them, as well as friends who are across the country and abroad, and of course to all of them for taking the time to keep in touch with me despite their own stress and busy lives. Shoutout to iMessage and Facebook, shoutout to wonderful friends and family!

But back to NOVA. There are stores and malls and restaurants everywhere, which is fun (even when you're just starting a job and don't have much money yet and mostly have to window shop). I've only been into DC once so far, but it's about an hour away via a short drive to the metro station and then about a 45ish minute metro ride, so I'm planning to visit again soon. There are all kinds of new sights, including a national park which I visited last weekend with my roomie, Ashley, and we loved.

Let me just say what everyone knows already: I'm so glad Ashley's here now! I need my alone time as much as the next guy (actually, probably less than the typical human being), but I don't like living alone. I knew when I planned to move here that I would have about four weeks of living by myself before Ashley's job in State College ended and she would move in with me. I also knew that month might be a struggle for my extrovert-leaning self. Without many friends in the area, I knew I could count on a lot of alone time, something that I don't really like. I did have a lot of alone time, and I made the best of it. I got caught up on some movies I wanted to watch (via Redbox), but because I didn't have internet at my apartment (I chose not to pay for it until Ashley got here so as to save some money) I ended up doing a lot of old school activities- reading books, journaling, swimming in the pool, taking baths, and good old fashioned thinking. I'm very introspective, and while my middle school and even high school self got stuck ruminating on all my faults and mistakes with any large amounts of introspection, my 22 year old self kind of enjoys it. Thankfully, my self image has really settled out into a pretty positive one, which I could attribute probably half as much to my hormones calming down as I could to the influences of faith, family, friends, thought, life experience, etc. So my large amounts of introspection during my month-long roomie-less living weren't quite so melancholy as they might have been in my younger years, but instead a good time to evaluate and reflect, make goals, and above all, be thankful.

I am endeavoring to practice gratitude right now more than ever. It's mostly due to that devotional/book I'm still reading "One Thousand Gifts," which is still challenging and encouraging me more than I even hoped that it would. I'm learning experientially that what makes the greatest days is a grateful heart, and to be living life to the fullest and to love gracefully and to worship God genuinely, it all requires recognizing the countless evidences of God's love for and grace towards me. So of course the best way to let it sink in that these evidences are countless is to count them. I'm at 138, and admittedly, I don't write every day and I'm certain that I've missed some as they've gone by. The truth is, like a pastor said this past Sunday morning at Grace Covenant Church here in Chantilly, that if God never does anything for me in my whole lifetime except to save me, then He has already done enough to be forever worthy of my worship, already done more than I ever could have asked Him to do for me. I don't live my life with that kind of thankful attitude every day, but it's my aim. God's been so gracious to me, across my lifetime and especially in this season now, and I'm learning to make gratitude a much bigger part of my life. :)

Truthfully, I don't think there's much I can complain about right now. Gratitude goals even set aside, I'm happy here in NOVA, and excited to continue to settle in, meet new friends, learn and grow. I'm still getting comfortable with my job, but I do really enjoy it. It is fast-paced and different every day, and while I have a lot of responsibilities, many of them involve interacting with families and that's my favorite part. I feel lucky/blessed to have landed a job that challenges me AND I enjoy, with coworkers and a boss who are really great people. I love that it just so happened to work out (read: God orchestrated) that one of my best friends moved to the area and agreed to be my roommate. I so enjoy the fact that my new home is only about a 2.5-3 hour drive from my family's home, and that I've already been there to visit them and even got to help move Ben into his first year of college at St. Francis. It's so fun that Ashley and I even know a few other friends in the area and have been able to visit with them already. Our apartment is perfect for us and we're enjoying decorating it and making it feel like our new home.
Working full-time is an adjustment; some days I come home and I'm so tired that I pretty much eat dinner, check social media, and go to bed. But I am learning so much in this season of life, and truly enjoying it. All of it. (Okay, most of it. Not the paying my own bills part. Not the more taxes part. Not the figuring out lots more paperwork part. And while I'm happy to be "single" right now, I wouldn't mind if that changed eventually. In fact, if you're a male reading this and you love Jesus and music and children and conversation, and happen to live in the NOVA area, feel free to ask me to coffee. Hahaha. End digression). I guess what this long ramble-y post is trying to say is basically... I'm adulting! Yay! It's kinda hard but also kinda fun! Look mom, I'm doing it! :D

To quote a country song called "Real Life," "...this is real life, in the real world... it ain't all good, baby, but it's alright, real life." :)

Bring On the "Adulting"

Well, later today I leave for Virginia! It's the day I've been planning for and counting down to for most of the summer, and yet part of me still can't believe it's here. I'm mostly packed up (I'll throw some more clean laundry in my suitcase and pack up my shampoo and toothpaste later today), but even as I put my dress clothes into my car it's hard to believe that in a few (4) short days I'll be starting my first "real" job. [Ahhhhhh!!!!] I am both nervous and excited. It's a job that I really want, because I think it will prepare me for grad school and I also think I'm going to enjoy it. But it's going to involve a lot of new things, and I am praying that I'll be able to catch on quickly to everything I need to know to do my job well.

Even though this summer was shorter than any I've had before (sorry August, you're for working now instead of playing), it was a really great summer. I spent the majority of my time with my family and friends, did a fair amount of relaxing, and even traveled abroad. Last summer certainly had its highlights, but I've got to say I think I liked this summer better, despite its brevity. Even with the two-plus weeks spent in Spain with my family, I still managed to make three weekend trips with friends, celebrate a friend's engagement (I'm going to be a bridesmaid- yippee!), celebrate turning 22, celebrate my own and my brother's graduation, go to the beach, go camping, go hiking, bake, read books, watch movies, play with the pets, get sunburnt, have campfires, and do many other summer-y things :D

As soon as I woke up this morning, my heart started beating quickly. Today's the day- the day my summer ends and I leave my family's house and drive myself to VA. These next few days and even weeks are probably going to be fast-paced, just like my heartbeat in anticipation of them. Oddly enough, my devotions today were about slowing down. I've been working my way through a devotional called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp (and totally loving it, but maybe I'll write a separate post about it some time), and it focuses on noticing the everyday gifts that God gives us. I think the tagline says "a dare to live fully right where you are," or something like that. Anyway, today's devotion talked about slowing down, making sure we don't miss out on the opportunity to connect with God today, here, and now. It was a great reminder for me, especially today, and here is some of what I journaled in response to it:

"It seems a little ironic to be focusing on slowing down and being still as I embark on a big life transition, as I leave for VA today and start a new job in just a few days. Of course my body will not be still as I load and unload my car, drive many miles, run errands, and cross off to-do list items. And of course I'll need to move quickly on some things- turning in paperwork, picking up on procedures at work, finding the nearest grocery stores and banks, registering my car in a new state, and more. But maybe now is as good a time as any to ask You God to give me stillness in my heart, rest through the rush of moving and starting a new job, to help me to be slow to fear and quick to trust You through it all.
I do feel anxious- that I'll be overwhelmed with learning the ropes at my new job, that some huge hidden fee will appear and I won't be able to afford it, that there will be some paperwork fiasco, that some crisis will arise for my family and I won't be there to help because I'll have to be at work in VA. But God, with You, I know that I can also be thrilled for this move, this job. You unmistakably have been at work in opening the doors that have led to this. And You have always been so faithful in the past; throughout my whole life You have provided and stretched me and taken care of me. Help me, in the midst of all the rushing and racing and transitioning, to rest in You, to have a heart that is slow to become anxious and quick to rely on Your goodness and love. Keep my eyes open to little gifts along the way, ways you want to work in and around and through me. Don't let me ignore You God, and try to adjust on my own. Thank you that You hear me and You love me."

I am officially "adulting" now. (Real job, real bills :P) I'm super thankful to have such supportive family and friends in my life :) So, with God's and their help, I say- bring it on!

History and Humanity

My title sounds kind of big and important, but really this is going to be a fairly short post on a topic that's important to me. This is less about the ruling the Supreme Court made yesterday in favor of legalizing same-sex marriage in all 50 states, and more about how people are reacting to the ruling, especially online, and especially Christians. I'm not one to want to drone on and on about my opinions on controversial things online, at least not anymore (I'd like to think I gain some humility and perspective with each passing year of my life), and furthermore I don't think its worthwhile for anyone to drone on and on about their opinion on this issue, no matter how sure they are that they're right.

A lot of controversial things happen every day, and most of the time I choose not to make much comment about them on any of my social media sites. And maybe that's not the best choice, but usually I choose not to comment because I fear the possible social consequences of miscommunication. I fear not only that I might be attacked for whatever I say, but worse, I fear I might be misunderstood- others might mistake what I'm saying about my opinions for me saying something about how I do or don't value people who might disagree with me. Many times I would rather say nothing at all (online, where it could be more easily misunderstood than conversations in person) than for someone to mistakenly think I am commenting on how I feel towards them as a person. I'd rather be known as loving than as right. Most of the time that is, when I'm not having a proud human moment, which of course happens sometimes :P

Soon after I landed back in the US yesterday afternoon, I turned on my cell phone's data and caught up on my social media sites. After just a few minutes I saw the conclusion of the court ruling and also saw the praise, the lamenting, and everything in between online (though I definitely saw much more of the two extremes, and far less of the in between). I stumbled across a post from Mike Donehey, lead singer of Tenth Avenue North- a band I really like- and was struck by it. He said that he posted a picture to his social media with the comment that the day was "historic" and was immediately attacked on all sides. Even though he hadn't made any statements about whether he thought it was a great historic day or a terrible historic day, people were quick to rant about their opinions and slow to listen to whatever he might have meant by his post. He took it down, but ended up writing a blog post about the experience, highlighting the importance of hearing others over being heard ourselves. I really appreciated his words, and if you'd like to read them, you can find them here:

http://mikedonehey.tumblr.com

I'm not going to say anything in this post about my own moral convictions about human sexuality, my own understanding of God's design for human sexuality, or about my own feelings regarding yesterday's ruling. It's not because I don't want to talk about it, or that I'm ashamed of my own convictions/understandings/feelings, but it is because in this case, and in many other cases, I feel it's more important that I clearly communicate my concern for others' wellbeing than my concern for their agreement with me on any given issue. I'm happy to discuss this social issue, along with many others, with people in person where there is a better chance for really listening to, respecting, and understanding each other. It worries me when people, especially Christians, especially online, are so caught up in trying to be right and have others know it, that they forget to be loving. I have long believed that I follow a God who does not need me to defend Him or His ways, but rather a God who has called me to love in a radical way, like He did and does. I think great good can come of discussing difficult issues in person, with people we know and care about. I have changed my mind and my heart about many things over the years through difficult conversations with others who were willing to honestly, respectfully disagree with me.

From my post on Instagram earlier this morning, here are my foremost thoughts on reacting to this ruling, the things I want to be true of me and all those around me and across the world:

may we all, now and always, be striving to "be more heart, and less attack" -lyrics, Needtobreathe; may we all be "quick to listen, slow to speak," and seek to love others from a place of humility, honesty, and deep gratitude, knowing that the same God who has created us for community, has given us all infinite value, infinite grace, and redemption through no merit of our own but simply because it brings Him joy, because He is love, because He wants our hearts to be known and loved by Him. 

Reflections of the light coming through stained glass windows in a church somewhere in Spain 

PS- If anyone would like to talk with me about their own thoughts, opinions, experiences, or anything of the sort, I invite you to message me privately so we can better have a conversation, and maybe even talk in person about it. I would ask that if anyone wants to comment on this post online, that you do so keeping in mind how much I love to see grace-filled interactions in person and especially online, and especially between people who may disagree on important issues. If I find that your comment is quick to condemn anyone, rather than to enter into conversation, I may choose to delete it. 

Nostalgia

It's all just so surreal. It hasn't sunk in that I'm graduating on Friday, THIS Friday, just a few days away. Freshman year of college seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it doesn't seem possible that the end of Senior year is here. I've somewhat jokingly been telling everyone that I'll just have to process it after it happens, but I do want to take some time to get some of my muddled thoughts, feelings, and memories written out before they are lost in the whirlwind of change.

The past four years have certainly been some of the best, and also some of the hardest, of my life thus far. So many superlatives can be applied to my time here at Penn State... so many mosts, so many firsts, so many bests.

Going to miss this view.

I've gotten closer to my family-each parent and each sibling-than I've ever felt before; I'm more thankful for them than I've ever been, for who they are and how they uniquely and deeply contribute to my happiness.
I've always been blessed with great friends through each part of my life, but these past four years I've had the biggest number of people in my life that I can truly count on that I've ever had-the most people who I could call at 3 AM, the most people reaching out to me to spend time with me, the most great quality friendships with girls and guys I've ever had. I've shared things about myself-hopes, fears, dreams, experiences-with some of my friends here that I hadn't shared with friends before, and was able to receive the same from them as well.
There have been superlatives that aren't so serious, too. Like finally giving in to the trend of wearing leggings as pants (I know, *groan*) for the first time in the cold, busy Fall semester of my senior year. I was holding out so well, but they were just so comfy and warm. Oh well. :P Or trying alcohol for the first time this past summer when I turned 21 (spoiler alert for anyone under 21, it's not THAT exciting). And despite having had almost a year to get used to it, I'm still not a fan of anything that actually tastes like it has alcohol in it. Orange soda is cheaper and still yummy, and I'll probably always lean towards "girly drinks."
I went to see an R rated movie in theaters for this first time this past year (wow this list is sounding scandalous in the middle here). It was some comedy about weddings that my roommates wanted to see and I really liked the popcorn and enjoyed spending time with them but wouldn't watch it again, which is pretty much what I anticipated.
I got my first lease on a car this past summer, woohoo!, and drove farther and longer than I ever did before this past year as I drove to grad school interviews (also obviously a first).
This past year I moved into an apartment where I pay rent and utilities and cook my own food (most of the time), for the first time. It was a great change from living on campus-despite the long walk to campus, the faulty oven/microwave/toilet/shower/refrigerator, general lack of space, glitchy internet, etc.- it's been so great to burn a candle or bake banana bread or have room for friends in your living room whenever you want. Living with three other girls in a pretty small apartment has certainly brought it's challenges, but overall been pretty much the "life experience" I wanted it to be.
Within the past four years I experienced my first serious dating relationship, as well as my first serious break-up. I also had my first kiss, which was long deliberated over, actually pretty nice and not as awkward as some first kiss stories I've heard, haha! I learned a ton about relationships and love and myself and others. I definitely made some mistakes, but I can't say that I regret a whole lot, because of all the lessons I learned and how it all influenced where and who I am today.
I sang solos in a choir for the first time, and had a blast doing it. (RIP Grace Notes, may you be revived in the future!)
I took classes in subjects I had never learned about in much depth before, like astronomy, biological anthropology, the history of jazz music, geology, and sociology (shout out to gen ed requirements). I strongly disliked some (*coughBioAnthcough*) because I didn't find them very interesting, but really enjoyed others!
I successfully completed an undergraduate thesis research project for the first time (though it was looking dubious towards the end there, it really did come together!). It was during the last two weeks before it was due that while under a lot of stress I felt overwhelmingly supported by so many lovely people in my life, and saw some divine intervention in bringing details together for the project. And on the research topic, although I'm still not looking to dedicate my entire life to research, I'm finding that I don't hate it and some of it is actually super cool and I'm even looking for a job in research right now to get more experience before reapplying grad school. (Yep, didn't get in. Yep, it's competitive. And yep, I'm okay with it and sure it'll all work out :). )
Starting my sophomore year of college I encountered discipleship for the first time through the Navigators, which is really just a fancy Christian word for mentorship with a spiritual focus, and I totally loved it and gained so much from it. It led me to want to disciple other girls, which has also been such a blast. I also led a Bible study with two of my best friends for the first time in my life, which was another wonderful, challenging, and fun experience.
In keeping with the spiritual trend, I got baptized for the first time in my life while here at Penn State. Freshman year I was lucky enough (probably actually led) to find a great faith community in New Hope Church here in State College- a church that loves kids, college students, and people of all ages, loves meeting the needs of and caring for those around them and around the world, and loves food and games and worship and everything else good. I finally felt really comfortable in a faith community, enough that it felt right to be baptized by a pastor who knew me personally and could attest to the evidence of God's work in my life, in front of a church who knew the same. I'm so grateful for them :)
I recently attended my first "peer" wedding (woot woot Megan and Mike!), which I'm sure will be the first of many in the years to come. :)
[And I'm sure there are even more mosts, firsts, and bests that I forgot to (or choose not to!) include here!]

There are a lot of things that I'm going to miss about being an undergraduate student at Penn State. I'll miss the long walks from my apartment to campus or even just from one part of town/campus to another, no matter how much I have complained about them at times. They've given me time to think and breathe and listen to music in the midst of a busy season of life, and this campus and this town are so beautiful, especially in the Fall and Spring (and for a few weeks in the winter, until we all get sick of SO MUCH snow). I'm going to miss seeing the mountains in the background when I walk around State College. I'll miss walking past Old Main with it's lights on at night (see above photo!), or walking through the HUB and running into a friend, or really just running into friends all over campus and downtown. I'm going to miss living so close to so many friends. I know that while I'll stay in touch with some of the friends I've made here, it's going to take a lot more planning and intention to actually see them in the next stage of life. I'll miss our Friday night movie nights/hang outs, the late nights and quality time and deep talks and inside jokes. I'm so going to miss meeting up with Emma and getting to hear about her life over smoothies in Redifer every Thursday morning. I'm going to miss the guidance from Melanie and other Navs staff members who have supported all of us Navigators over the past few years in our walks with God. I know I'll miss Navs retreats with things like California Co-Ed Kickball (oh, there's another first)! I'll miss running to Au Bon Pain from my lab to get a MTO southwest salad or whatever delicious soup options they have that day. I might even miss spending hours in the lab, plodding through files in the peace and quiet of the second floor of Moore. I'll miss the tea at Cafe, the fishbowls at Bar Blue, the incredible breakfast at the Waffle Shop, Berkey creamery ice cream, the cheesesteak egg rolls at Kildare's, the falafel wraps from Penn Kebab, and all the other awesome food establishments I've gotten to enjoy with friends and family here over the past four years. I think I'll miss going to class, as nerdy as that sounds, and getting to just sit there and soak in ideas and information that's new to me. I am definitely going to miss some of the incredible professors I've gotten to learn from in both the Psych and CAS departments here. I'm going to miss Sunday mornings at New Hope, teaching the kiddos about God and worshipping with friends and families at church. I'll miss being "poor" in a socially acceptable way, haha (saw that online the other day, and it struck me as both a bit funny and also sad). I'll miss getting to use Penn State's awesome gym facilities with my student gym membership price (even though I didn't go super regularly, haha). I'm going to miss the arboretum, meeting new people my age all the time, signing up for interesting classes every semester, the grand sense of possibility about the future, and this stage of life.
Most of all, I'm going to miss the people that became a part of, or bigger part of, my life as a result of my time here, the people who have contributed so much to my life over the past few years. And I'll probably miss a million other things that I haven't even thought about missing yet.

I don't yet know when I'll be leaving State College (I've applied to a job here), but I know that even if I am here after I graduate, it won't be the same. I don't yet know what the next few years, heck even few weeks, of my life are going to look like, or what state I might be living in depending on the outcome of job applications. I don't yet know the details of God's plan for me. And that's exciting, and also a little scary. The comforting thing is that while I haven't learned a whole lot (YET) about where He is going to lead me in the future, I have learned a lot about who He is. My life experiences of the past four years have both shaken and then confirmed my belief in the goodness of God, and my trust in Him to provide and care for me. I'm confident that soon He will show me which doors are open or closed and guide me to the right opportunities. It probably won't sink in for a little while yet that this chapter in my life is coming to a close, but I'm thankful for the crazy ride it's been. To all the people who have been a part of my life in these past four years in some way- thank you! :)

Best friends. 

Hail to the lion!

"Thou didst mold us dear old state, dear old state, dear old state!"