"I Want Crazy"

The song "I Want Crazy" by Hunter Hayes came on my favorite local country radio station (98.7) on my drive home from work last night. It's a really fun song, and even though in my last dating relationship it used to be one of "our" songs, I found myself happily singing along to every word. I love the lyrics...it talks about not wanting a love that is mediocre, but one that drives you crazy in the best way, passionate love. Obviously in any relationship, especially romantic ones, there are going to be tough times when commitment to one another, not feelings for one another, is the glue that holds the two people together. This song's declaration of that crazy, passionate kind of love reminds me of a quote I've seen on Pinterest: "Unless it's mad, passionate, or extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life; love shouldn't be one of them." While I don't agree that any love could be a waste of time, the second sentence really does resonate with me. Why bother loving if it isn't deeply, intentionally, passionately? Before my last dating relationship there was a period of time when I said that I was not going to date/become romantically involved/whatever you want to call it, unless it seemed crazy not to. This was, of course, inspired by another great song about love... Danny Gokey (who I've met, fun fact!) has a song called "Crazy Not To" that he reportedly wrote about falling in love with his wife. He sings about how he's only willing to give up the safety net of not being in love because this woman makes him feel like he would be crazy not to pursue the relationship (worded in more fun ways of course, because it's a song!). I really did stick to that particular idea, and only started dating after several months of thinking it over, when it seemed to reach a point where I would have been crazy not to go for it. And even though it ended, I do still think it was "meant to be" for the time that it was. A weird thought, maybe, but it makes sense to me. I learned so much, grew so much, etc through that relationship. There were of course ups and downs, and maybe it should have ended sooner than it did. But for the vast majority of the course of the relationship, for me it really was that crazy, passionate love. I was so in love- lose sleep to stay up late texting when he's upset, drive through a blizzard just to see him one more time before a long period of time apart, list 52 reasons I love him for a Valentine's Day present, think about him all the time- that kind of love. And I smile looking back on it, and I smile when I see other people in my life who are so obviously and wonderfully experiencing crazy love, and I think to myself "I know how they are feeling" and I'm happy. I'm happy to know what it feels like to have been crazy in love.

Everyone who knows me well at all knows that I'm a hopeless romantic and proud of it. It has been a dream/life goal of mine as long as I can remember to one day fall irretrievably in love, marry, and raise children. Although my career ambitions are also very important to me, if I had to choose between being a successful psychologist and having a family (a choice I will endeavor to never have to make), I would choose the family with no deliberation and no regrets. Of course, it's my aim to have both. ;) While these are my dreams/goals, I must say that I am thankful to have been/to be single in this current "season" of my life. To have navigated my senior year of college and the academic and personal stress involved there, the job hunt and subsequent relocation, and to navigate my current busy and somewhat unpredictable work schedule, all without affecting a significant other has been an unexpected blessing. I am an extrovert in terms of how I feel energized, which is nearly always through interpersonal interaction. I have really come to enjoy time alone, but after a few days it becomes stifling rather than restful for me. I'm not sure if this is best or not, but the most core ways that I define myself are generally in relation to others; the most important roles that I see for myself in life are those that relate to the people closest to me- daughter, sister, friend, etc. So relationships are important to me. But I recognize that right now in my life it's not only convenient to be single, but it's also a blessing. There are things I can only enjoy right now because I don't have the role of girlfriend or wife. Aside from the things I already listed, other benefits include: more time to invest in other relationships in my life like family and friends, no feeling torn when I have time off- being able to prioritize my family with no need to factor in time for a guy/in-laws, being able to pick up last minute appointments or change my hours last minute at work because the only person directly affected by my schedule most days is me, not needing to feel the financial strain of preparing for my own wedding as I start my first job but instead being able to budget for the weddings of my friends that I'll attend in the near future, being able to make travel plans last minute, going to sleep pretty much whenever I want each night with no demands on my time from a boyfriend/husband/children, no one depending on me to feed them except myself, and the list goes on. Someday, when I fall in love and a man falls in love with me and it seems crazy not to, I will happily relinquish all of these benefits and put in the work to enjoy the relationship that comes with crazy love. That's what I'm waiting for. :)

Most people in my life who are close enough to me to feel okay asking about my "relationship status" already know it, or are interested because they personally care about my happiness and know my hopes for a family someday. There are of course those few people who make the jokes or slightly insensitive comments like "so no Mrs. degree with your graduation from college?" To those people, which thankfully are very few in my life!, this blog post is all that I wish I could say in those passing moments of social interactions. Yes, I want crazy love. I want it to naturally develop out of a real friendship connection, which isn't something I can go find or manufacture or control. So I just wait, until it is God's timing to give me that gift, or maybe some other gifts instead that will be even better than what I think that I want. :) In the meantime though, I am not pining away for love lost or love not yet found. No, as I wait, I am happy (okay, giddy even) to enjoy the stories of crazy love being told all around me, whether that be in book or film, or better yet the lives of the people I care about. So here's to you, reader- I hope that you, also, experience love that is passionate, deep, and crazy in the best way. :)

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Link for Hunter Hayes "I Want Crazy" with lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WOODJ7lYi0

Link for Danny Gokey's "Crazy Not To" with lyrics in the description below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BW-1KWnr6Q

Nueva a NOVA

I'm not sure if I can use that Spanish word for "new" in that context or not, but it seemed fitting to use Spanish for the title of this post because in my new locale (NOVA= Northern Virginia) there are a lot of Spanish speakers! Which is exciting, because that also means cool ingredients in the grocery store and lots of Mexican restaurants (Mexican food is my favorite).

Despite adjusting to driving in significantly more traffic than I've ever driven in before, I am really liking my new hometown. Centreville, where I live, is much quieter than Fairfax, where I work, and yet still not too far a distance from my frequent haunts (read: Giant, Walmart, Chipotle). Actually, there's a Chipotle-one of my most favorite restaurants-literally around the corner from my apartment complex. I may or may not have been there an embarrassing number of times already... No regrets. Conveniently, there is also a Dollar Store and a US post office in that same plaza, along with a gas station, a Subway, and a few other stores. The way I described it to my parents when they came to help me move in was "there are so many places to spend money around here!"

Speaking of my parents, they're the best. They helped me move almost everything I own into a second floor apartment in a building with no elevators. They paid for the Uhaul, which Dad drove from PA, and even spent the rest of the move-in day with me at the apartment pool and a nearby mall (only like 20 mins away and bigger than most from home). My nuclear and extended family have been super supportive of me moving into this next phase of life, not that I expected anything different. :) I'm super grateful for technology that allows me to stay in touch with them, as well as friends who are across the country and abroad, and of course to all of them for taking the time to keep in touch with me despite their own stress and busy lives. Shoutout to iMessage and Facebook, shoutout to wonderful friends and family!

But back to NOVA. There are stores and malls and restaurants everywhere, which is fun (even when you're just starting a job and don't have much money yet and mostly have to window shop). I've only been into DC once so far, but it's about an hour away via a short drive to the metro station and then about a 45ish minute metro ride, so I'm planning to visit again soon. There are all kinds of new sights, including a national park which I visited last weekend with my roomie, Ashley, and we loved.

Let me just say what everyone knows already: I'm so glad Ashley's here now! I need my alone time as much as the next guy (actually, probably less than the typical human being), but I don't like living alone. I knew when I planned to move here that I would have about four weeks of living by myself before Ashley's job in State College ended and she would move in with me. I also knew that month might be a struggle for my extrovert-leaning self. Without many friends in the area, I knew I could count on a lot of alone time, something that I don't really like. I did have a lot of alone time, and I made the best of it. I got caught up on some movies I wanted to watch (via Redbox), but because I didn't have internet at my apartment (I chose not to pay for it until Ashley got here so as to save some money) I ended up doing a lot of old school activities- reading books, journaling, swimming in the pool, taking baths, and good old fashioned thinking. I'm very introspective, and while my middle school and even high school self got stuck ruminating on all my faults and mistakes with any large amounts of introspection, my 22 year old self kind of enjoys it. Thankfully, my self image has really settled out into a pretty positive one, which I could attribute probably half as much to my hormones calming down as I could to the influences of faith, family, friends, thought, life experience, etc. So my large amounts of introspection during my month-long roomie-less living weren't quite so melancholy as they might have been in my younger years, but instead a good time to evaluate and reflect, make goals, and above all, be thankful.

I am endeavoring to practice gratitude right now more than ever. It's mostly due to that devotional/book I'm still reading "One Thousand Gifts," which is still challenging and encouraging me more than I even hoped that it would. I'm learning experientially that what makes the greatest days is a grateful heart, and to be living life to the fullest and to love gracefully and to worship God genuinely, it all requires recognizing the countless evidences of God's love for and grace towards me. So of course the best way to let it sink in that these evidences are countless is to count them. I'm at 138, and admittedly, I don't write every day and I'm certain that I've missed some as they've gone by. The truth is, like a pastor said this past Sunday morning at Grace Covenant Church here in Chantilly, that if God never does anything for me in my whole lifetime except to save me, then He has already done enough to be forever worthy of my worship, already done more than I ever could have asked Him to do for me. I don't live my life with that kind of thankful attitude every day, but it's my aim. God's been so gracious to me, across my lifetime and especially in this season now, and I'm learning to make gratitude a much bigger part of my life. :)

Truthfully, I don't think there's much I can complain about right now. Gratitude goals even set aside, I'm happy here in NOVA, and excited to continue to settle in, meet new friends, learn and grow. I'm still getting comfortable with my job, but I do really enjoy it. It is fast-paced and different every day, and while I have a lot of responsibilities, many of them involve interacting with families and that's my favorite part. I feel lucky/blessed to have landed a job that challenges me AND I enjoy, with coworkers and a boss who are really great people. I love that it just so happened to work out (read: God orchestrated) that one of my best friends moved to the area and agreed to be my roommate. I so enjoy the fact that my new home is only about a 2.5-3 hour drive from my family's home, and that I've already been there to visit them and even got to help move Ben into his first year of college at St. Francis. It's so fun that Ashley and I even know a few other friends in the area and have been able to visit with them already. Our apartment is perfect for us and we're enjoying decorating it and making it feel like our new home.
Working full-time is an adjustment; some days I come home and I'm so tired that I pretty much eat dinner, check social media, and go to bed. But I am learning so much in this season of life, and truly enjoying it. All of it. (Okay, most of it. Not the paying my own bills part. Not the more taxes part. Not the figuring out lots more paperwork part. And while I'm happy to be "single" right now, I wouldn't mind if that changed eventually. In fact, if you're a male reading this and you love Jesus and music and children and conversation, and happen to live in the NOVA area, feel free to ask me to coffee. Hahaha. End digression). I guess what this long ramble-y post is trying to say is basically... I'm adulting! Yay! It's kinda hard but also kinda fun! Look mom, I'm doing it! :D

To quote a country song called "Real Life," "...this is real life, in the real world... it ain't all good, baby, but it's alright, real life." :)

Bring On the "Adulting"

Well, later today I leave for Virginia! It's the day I've been planning for and counting down to for most of the summer, and yet part of me still can't believe it's here. I'm mostly packed up (I'll throw some more clean laundry in my suitcase and pack up my shampoo and toothpaste later today), but even as I put my dress clothes into my car it's hard to believe that in a few (4) short days I'll be starting my first "real" job. [Ahhhhhh!!!!] I am both nervous and excited. It's a job that I really want, because I think it will prepare me for grad school and I also think I'm going to enjoy it. But it's going to involve a lot of new things, and I am praying that I'll be able to catch on quickly to everything I need to know to do my job well.

Even though this summer was shorter than any I've had before (sorry August, you're for working now instead of playing), it was a really great summer. I spent the majority of my time with my family and friends, did a fair amount of relaxing, and even traveled abroad. Last summer certainly had its highlights, but I've got to say I think I liked this summer better, despite its brevity. Even with the two-plus weeks spent in Spain with my family, I still managed to make three weekend trips with friends, celebrate a friend's engagement (I'm going to be a bridesmaid- yippee!), celebrate turning 22, celebrate my own and my brother's graduation, go to the beach, go camping, go hiking, bake, read books, watch movies, play with the pets, get sunburnt, have campfires, and do many other summer-y things :D

As soon as I woke up this morning, my heart started beating quickly. Today's the day- the day my summer ends and I leave my family's house and drive myself to VA. These next few days and even weeks are probably going to be fast-paced, just like my heartbeat in anticipation of them. Oddly enough, my devotions today were about slowing down. I've been working my way through a devotional called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp (and totally loving it, but maybe I'll write a separate post about it some time), and it focuses on noticing the everyday gifts that God gives us. I think the tagline says "a dare to live fully right where you are," or something like that. Anyway, today's devotion talked about slowing down, making sure we don't miss out on the opportunity to connect with God today, here, and now. It was a great reminder for me, especially today, and here is some of what I journaled in response to it:

"It seems a little ironic to be focusing on slowing down and being still as I embark on a big life transition, as I leave for VA today and start a new job in just a few days. Of course my body will not be still as I load and unload my car, drive many miles, run errands, and cross off to-do list items. And of course I'll need to move quickly on some things- turning in paperwork, picking up on procedures at work, finding the nearest grocery stores and banks, registering my car in a new state, and more. But maybe now is as good a time as any to ask You God to give me stillness in my heart, rest through the rush of moving and starting a new job, to help me to be slow to fear and quick to trust You through it all.
I do feel anxious- that I'll be overwhelmed with learning the ropes at my new job, that some huge hidden fee will appear and I won't be able to afford it, that there will be some paperwork fiasco, that some crisis will arise for my family and I won't be there to help because I'll have to be at work in VA. But God, with You, I know that I can also be thrilled for this move, this job. You unmistakably have been at work in opening the doors that have led to this. And You have always been so faithful in the past; throughout my whole life You have provided and stretched me and taken care of me. Help me, in the midst of all the rushing and racing and transitioning, to rest in You, to have a heart that is slow to become anxious and quick to rely on Your goodness and love. Keep my eyes open to little gifts along the way, ways you want to work in and around and through me. Don't let me ignore You God, and try to adjust on my own. Thank you that You hear me and You love me."

I am officially "adulting" now. (Real job, real bills :P) I'm super thankful to have such supportive family and friends in my life :) So, with God's and their help, I say- bring it on!

History and Humanity

My title sounds kind of big and important, but really this is going to be a fairly short post on a topic that's important to me. This is less about the ruling the Supreme Court made yesterday in favor of legalizing same-sex marriage in all 50 states, and more about how people are reacting to the ruling, especially online, and especially Christians. I'm not one to want to drone on and on about my opinions on controversial things online, at least not anymore (I'd like to think I gain some humility and perspective with each passing year of my life), and furthermore I don't think its worthwhile for anyone to drone on and on about their opinion on this issue, no matter how sure they are that they're right.

A lot of controversial things happen every day, and most of the time I choose not to make much comment about them on any of my social media sites. And maybe that's not the best choice, but usually I choose not to comment because I fear the possible social consequences of miscommunication. I fear not only that I might be attacked for whatever I say, but worse, I fear I might be misunderstood- others might mistake what I'm saying about my opinions for me saying something about how I do or don't value people who might disagree with me. Many times I would rather say nothing at all (online, where it could be more easily misunderstood than conversations in person) than for someone to mistakenly think I am commenting on how I feel towards them as a person. I'd rather be known as loving than as right. Most of the time that is, when I'm not having a proud human moment, which of course happens sometimes :P

Soon after I landed back in the US yesterday afternoon, I turned on my cell phone's data and caught up on my social media sites. After just a few minutes I saw the conclusion of the court ruling and also saw the praise, the lamenting, and everything in between online (though I definitely saw much more of the two extremes, and far less of the in between). I stumbled across a post from Mike Donehey, lead singer of Tenth Avenue North- a band I really like- and was struck by it. He said that he posted a picture to his social media with the comment that the day was "historic" and was immediately attacked on all sides. Even though he hadn't made any statements about whether he thought it was a great historic day or a terrible historic day, people were quick to rant about their opinions and slow to listen to whatever he might have meant by his post. He took it down, but ended up writing a blog post about the experience, highlighting the importance of hearing others over being heard ourselves. I really appreciated his words, and if you'd like to read them, you can find them here:

http://mikedonehey.tumblr.com

I'm not going to say anything in this post about my own moral convictions about human sexuality, my own understanding of God's design for human sexuality, or about my own feelings regarding yesterday's ruling. It's not because I don't want to talk about it, or that I'm ashamed of my own convictions/understandings/feelings, but it is because in this case, and in many other cases, I feel it's more important that I clearly communicate my concern for others' wellbeing than my concern for their agreement with me on any given issue. I'm happy to discuss this social issue, along with many others, with people in person where there is a better chance for really listening to, respecting, and understanding each other. It worries me when people, especially Christians, especially online, are so caught up in trying to be right and have others know it, that they forget to be loving. I have long believed that I follow a God who does not need me to defend Him or His ways, but rather a God who has called me to love in a radical way, like He did and does. I think great good can come of discussing difficult issues in person, with people we know and care about. I have changed my mind and my heart about many things over the years through difficult conversations with others who were willing to honestly, respectfully disagree with me.

From my post on Instagram earlier this morning, here are my foremost thoughts on reacting to this ruling, the things I want to be true of me and all those around me and across the world:

may we all, now and always, be striving to "be more heart, and less attack" -lyrics, Needtobreathe; may we all be "quick to listen, slow to speak," and seek to love others from a place of humility, honesty, and deep gratitude, knowing that the same God who has created us for community, has given us all infinite value, infinite grace, and redemption through no merit of our own but simply because it brings Him joy, because He is love, because He wants our hearts to be known and loved by Him. 

Reflections of the light coming through stained glass windows in a church somewhere in Spain 

PS- If anyone would like to talk with me about their own thoughts, opinions, experiences, or anything of the sort, I invite you to message me privately so we can better have a conversation, and maybe even talk in person about it. I would ask that if anyone wants to comment on this post online, that you do so keeping in mind how much I love to see grace-filled interactions in person and especially online, and especially between people who may disagree on important issues. If I find that your comment is quick to condemn anyone, rather than to enter into conversation, I may choose to delete it. 

Nostalgia

It's all just so surreal. It hasn't sunk in that I'm graduating on Friday, THIS Friday, just a few days away. Freshman year of college seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it doesn't seem possible that the end of Senior year is here. I've somewhat jokingly been telling everyone that I'll just have to process it after it happens, but I do want to take some time to get some of my muddled thoughts, feelings, and memories written out before they are lost in the whirlwind of change.

The past four years have certainly been some of the best, and also some of the hardest, of my life thus far. So many superlatives can be applied to my time here at Penn State... so many mosts, so many firsts, so many bests.

Going to miss this view.

I've gotten closer to my family-each parent and each sibling-than I've ever felt before; I'm more thankful for them than I've ever been, for who they are and how they uniquely and deeply contribute to my happiness.
I've always been blessed with great friends through each part of my life, but these past four years I've had the biggest number of people in my life that I can truly count on that I've ever had-the most people who I could call at 3 AM, the most people reaching out to me to spend time with me, the most great quality friendships with girls and guys I've ever had. I've shared things about myself-hopes, fears, dreams, experiences-with some of my friends here that I hadn't shared with friends before, and was able to receive the same from them as well.
There have been superlatives that aren't so serious, too. Like finally giving in to the trend of wearing leggings as pants (I know, *groan*) for the first time in the cold, busy Fall semester of my senior year. I was holding out so well, but they were just so comfy and warm. Oh well. :P Or trying alcohol for the first time this past summer when I turned 21 (spoiler alert for anyone under 21, it's not THAT exciting). And despite having had almost a year to get used to it, I'm still not a fan of anything that actually tastes like it has alcohol in it. Orange soda is cheaper and still yummy, and I'll probably always lean towards "girly drinks."
I went to see an R rated movie in theaters for this first time this past year (wow this list is sounding scandalous in the middle here). It was some comedy about weddings that my roommates wanted to see and I really liked the popcorn and enjoyed spending time with them but wouldn't watch it again, which is pretty much what I anticipated.
I got my first lease on a car this past summer, woohoo!, and drove farther and longer than I ever did before this past year as I drove to grad school interviews (also obviously a first).
This past year I moved into an apartment where I pay rent and utilities and cook my own food (most of the time), for the first time. It was a great change from living on campus-despite the long walk to campus, the faulty oven/microwave/toilet/shower/refrigerator, general lack of space, glitchy internet, etc.- it's been so great to burn a candle or bake banana bread or have room for friends in your living room whenever you want. Living with three other girls in a pretty small apartment has certainly brought it's challenges, but overall been pretty much the "life experience" I wanted it to be.
Within the past four years I experienced my first serious dating relationship, as well as my first serious break-up. I also had my first kiss, which was long deliberated over, actually pretty nice and not as awkward as some first kiss stories I've heard, haha! I learned a ton about relationships and love and myself and others. I definitely made some mistakes, but I can't say that I regret a whole lot, because of all the lessons I learned and how it all influenced where and who I am today.
I sang solos in a choir for the first time, and had a blast doing it. (RIP Grace Notes, may you be revived in the future!)
I took classes in subjects I had never learned about in much depth before, like astronomy, biological anthropology, the history of jazz music, geology, and sociology (shout out to gen ed requirements). I strongly disliked some (*coughBioAnthcough*) because I didn't find them very interesting, but really enjoyed others!
I successfully completed an undergraduate thesis research project for the first time (though it was looking dubious towards the end there, it really did come together!). It was during the last two weeks before it was due that while under a lot of stress I felt overwhelmingly supported by so many lovely people in my life, and saw some divine intervention in bringing details together for the project. And on the research topic, although I'm still not looking to dedicate my entire life to research, I'm finding that I don't hate it and some of it is actually super cool and I'm even looking for a job in research right now to get more experience before reapplying grad school. (Yep, didn't get in. Yep, it's competitive. And yep, I'm okay with it and sure it'll all work out :). )
Starting my sophomore year of college I encountered discipleship for the first time through the Navigators, which is really just a fancy Christian word for mentorship with a spiritual focus, and I totally loved it and gained so much from it. It led me to want to disciple other girls, which has also been such a blast. I also led a Bible study with two of my best friends for the first time in my life, which was another wonderful, challenging, and fun experience.
In keeping with the spiritual trend, I got baptized for the first time in my life while here at Penn State. Freshman year I was lucky enough (probably actually led) to find a great faith community in New Hope Church here in State College- a church that loves kids, college students, and people of all ages, loves meeting the needs of and caring for those around them and around the world, and loves food and games and worship and everything else good. I finally felt really comfortable in a faith community, enough that it felt right to be baptized by a pastor who knew me personally and could attest to the evidence of God's work in my life, in front of a church who knew the same. I'm so grateful for them :)
I recently attended my first "peer" wedding (woot woot Megan and Mike!), which I'm sure will be the first of many in the years to come. :)
[And I'm sure there are even more mosts, firsts, and bests that I forgot to (or choose not to!) include here!]

There are a lot of things that I'm going to miss about being an undergraduate student at Penn State. I'll miss the long walks from my apartment to campus or even just from one part of town/campus to another, no matter how much I have complained about them at times. They've given me time to think and breathe and listen to music in the midst of a busy season of life, and this campus and this town are so beautiful, especially in the Fall and Spring (and for a few weeks in the winter, until we all get sick of SO MUCH snow). I'm going to miss seeing the mountains in the background when I walk around State College. I'll miss walking past Old Main with it's lights on at night (see above photo!), or walking through the HUB and running into a friend, or really just running into friends all over campus and downtown. I'm going to miss living so close to so many friends. I know that while I'll stay in touch with some of the friends I've made here, it's going to take a lot more planning and intention to actually see them in the next stage of life. I'll miss our Friday night movie nights/hang outs, the late nights and quality time and deep talks and inside jokes. I'm so going to miss meeting up with Emma and getting to hear about her life over smoothies in Redifer every Thursday morning. I'm going to miss the guidance from Melanie and other Navs staff members who have supported all of us Navigators over the past few years in our walks with God. I know I'll miss Navs retreats with things like California Co-Ed Kickball (oh, there's another first)! I'll miss running to Au Bon Pain from my lab to get a MTO southwest salad or whatever delicious soup options they have that day. I might even miss spending hours in the lab, plodding through files in the peace and quiet of the second floor of Moore. I'll miss the tea at Cafe, the fishbowls at Bar Blue, the incredible breakfast at the Waffle Shop, Berkey creamery ice cream, the cheesesteak egg rolls at Kildare's, the falafel wraps from Penn Kebab, and all the other awesome food establishments I've gotten to enjoy with friends and family here over the past four years. I think I'll miss going to class, as nerdy as that sounds, and getting to just sit there and soak in ideas and information that's new to me. I am definitely going to miss some of the incredible professors I've gotten to learn from in both the Psych and CAS departments here. I'm going to miss Sunday mornings at New Hope, teaching the kiddos about God and worshipping with friends and families at church. I'll miss being "poor" in a socially acceptable way, haha (saw that online the other day, and it struck me as both a bit funny and also sad). I'll miss getting to use Penn State's awesome gym facilities with my student gym membership price (even though I didn't go super regularly, haha). I'm going to miss the arboretum, meeting new people my age all the time, signing up for interesting classes every semester, the grand sense of possibility about the future, and this stage of life.
Most of all, I'm going to miss the people that became a part of, or bigger part of, my life as a result of my time here, the people who have contributed so much to my life over the past few years. And I'll probably miss a million other things that I haven't even thought about missing yet.

I don't yet know when I'll be leaving State College (I've applied to a job here), but I know that even if I am here after I graduate, it won't be the same. I don't yet know what the next few years, heck even few weeks, of my life are going to look like, or what state I might be living in depending on the outcome of job applications. I don't yet know the details of God's plan for me. And that's exciting, and also a little scary. The comforting thing is that while I haven't learned a whole lot (YET) about where He is going to lead me in the future, I have learned a lot about who He is. My life experiences of the past four years have both shaken and then confirmed my belief in the goodness of God, and my trust in Him to provide and care for me. I'm confident that soon He will show me which doors are open or closed and guide me to the right opportunities. It probably won't sink in for a little while yet that this chapter in my life is coming to a close, but I'm thankful for the crazy ride it's been. To all the people who have been a part of my life in these past four years in some way- thank you! :)

Best friends. 

Hail to the lion!

"Thou didst mold us dear old state, dear old state, dear old state!"

Change and Peace and Joy

I'm beginning to feel inspired again.

It's been a long time coming, and as I notice it more and more, I start to realize it's been arriving little by little for quite some time.

For the past several months I made a conscious effort to pursue peace. Suggested to me by a friend, I sought out, chased after a sense of peace. This seeking, of course, was born out of a lack of, and need for, peace. Circumstances shook my sense of peace, deeper still my sense of faith. There is much left to journey through, and like any true psychologist I acknowledge that I may forever be "processing" and "reframing" the events of the last year of my life, figuring out what they mean for me and how they have impacted and shaped me into who I am now, altering me by their occurrence and my subsequent reactions to them. I started out looking for peace, intentionally trying to find it, from that lack and that need. And over time, through prayer, and searching in all the right and all the wrong places, my sense of peace has grown considerably. Though I wander, He is faithful. I feel I am still rebuilding, better yet, being rebuilt, spiritually. But I feel so much more peaceful than I did just a few "short" months ago. So much can change in a few months. I can't lay claim to an ever-present sense of peace, but most days I am more peaceful than not, a radical difference from where I was just five months ago, and for that I am thankful. The peace I have now is more a divine gift in spite of, rather than the result of, my having sought after it, but I believe God has blessed and used my struggles just the same.

Over perhaps the past month or even two (hey, time flies in your senior year of college), I've noticed more and more peace within me. Further still, I've noticed joy rekindling. Not just fleeting moments of happiness, not the kind I last blogged about that burst across the sky and quickly fade. No, this joy that I am starting to feel more and more often once again is the kind that slowly builds and then lingers there. The kind I hadn't felt in a while, and forgot how wonderful it is to feel. The kind of joy that makes me crinkle my nose and wave my arms and dance around like a little kid. The kind of joy that spills over and makes me smile to myself. A deep, true, joy that makes the sun shine brighter once again. It's addictive, in a good way. And so I'm deciding now to pursue joy.

It's a good time of the year to chase after joy, when everyone is wishing it upon you. It's a hopeful, generous, joyous time of year, Christmas. I suppose joy is not so radically different from peace, really. When I am finally resting, content and at peace, it is then that my eyes and my heart can be open to looking for and feeling joy. So pursuing joy will mean also continuing my pursuit of peace, building on the peace I've found/been given over the past few months.

There is much journeying left to be done. The next year of my life is full of uncertainty. Undoubtedly it will push me and pull me to grow and change in ways impossible to foresee. And I'm looking forward to it, not only with a sense of peace, but also with a sense of joy. :)

This post is probably a bit cryptic and riddled with writing errors, but I'm really not sure how to put these thoughts into words, so I finally decided to just go for it. It would have been pretty sad to have only one blog post for the entire year, and sadder still to have that one blog post reflect the hardest part of the year, and not the journey I've been living since then. So I have no grand conclusion or call-to-action for readers. But here's an update, my thoughts and experience shared, for whatever it is worth: at the very least, a helpful reminder for me when I look back five months or more from now. :)

Living the "Uninspired" Life

I've considered posting on here a few times over the last several months, but usually felt I was lacking the inspiration to write a worthwhile post. However, I recently read two blog posts that talked about feeling uninspired, which, ironically, inspired me to write about my own currently uninspiring life.

One post was written by a woman with a popular Instagram account*. She explained how her Instagram posts only show the highlights of her life, that her pictures are often staged, and the fact that they don't reflect her day-to-day, hour-to-hour reality. If people are jealous of her life, it is because they don't really know what it's like. Her blog post reminded me of a quote which says something to the effect of: "It isn't fair to compare your everyday life to someone else's highlights reel."

Another post ( http://abovealllovedeeply.blogspot.com/2014/07/an-altar-transformed.html ) was written by someone I know. In her post she shared how her summer had been full of working on mundane, unexciting tasks, which were draining her physically and emotionally. She was realizing that if she did not start focusing on finding joy, she was going to get burned out. I admire her for finding a positive message to share, but also for being honest about the parts of her life that just aren't what she wants them to be right now. As I read her post I felt myself relaxing, knowing that someone else was feeling a general lack of inspiration just like I was.

All of this isn't to say that I have lived the past several months without ever experiencing inspiration, because that would be both sad and untrue. There are little things that inspire me daily, and I am as thankful as ever for my proclivity for being easily amused by the littlest details. But I haven't felt an overall sense of being on fire for life, supercharged and overflowing with inspiration (sometimes I really have felt that way in the past). Rather, my moments of inspiration that stem from interactions with other people, a song, a paragraph, a sunset, have been just that--moments. Moments that burst like a flash of light but then fade away into the gray as quickly as they appeared.
This summer has been much different than what I anticipated it would be like. There have been times of great joy, and of growth, but also times of unexpected confusion and pain. In those latter times, there have been moments, hours, and days when "inspired" is the farthest thing from what I am feeling.

So maybe I owe the world a glimpse of my currently uninspired life. You should know that if your daily life doesn't look like my Instagram posts, neither does mine. I don't lie through my Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter accounts. The happy snapshots and statuses (stati?) are all real and true. But naturally, I don't post about my disappointments, failures, heartbreaks, bad hair days, stress, or broken relationships. That might be strange if I did, and I likely won't be posting about them anytime soon. But I do believe it is worth mentioning that although all of the lovely things I post about are in fact real, happy parts of my life, they do not tell the whole story. I strive to use any social media outlets I have to be a positive and inspirational presence to others who may be checking my profile, and I believe that is an okay, even right, position to take. I am (usually) an optimist, a hopeless romantic (I love love), and a happy person. But I'm not always. And there is much more going on in my life than what I choose to post about online.

It's easy to look around on Facebook and feel like you are the only one sitting at home on a Friday night, wondering which one of your siblings you can bug to hang out with you because you've already watched every decent movie on Netflix and none of your friends are available or interested in hanging out. It's easy to look at your newsfeed and, as you like your friends engagement and wedding pictures in genuine happiness, think that you must be the only one trying to move on from a broken relationship. The list of examples goes on and on, but the truth is that those friends who are out having fun with other friends, or those friends who are getting engaged and married, all have their own moments every day that they decide not to share. And that's okay, we all do that and it's probably a good thing that we don't all know everything about each other's lives. But don't forget that just like you share your highlights, they are sharing theirs.

I have been updating an album on my Facebook page called 100 Days of Happy. It's a really neat challenge that I have seen going around for the past few months--find something happy in every day for 100 days, and post a picture of it. The goal, I think, is to encourage yourself to be more aware of the happiness in your life, and by sharing the photos on social media, encourage others to do the same for their own lives. After a difficult start to my summer I decided to take this challenge, hoping it would help me to look for the happy parts of each day. It has helped me, and I've so enjoyed looking back after each couple of weeks at the fun times I've documented with my photos. Recently, as I've struggled through a somewhat unexpected end to a relationship that was very important to me, I've felt like posting pictures to my hundred happy days album would be hypocritical. Yes, of course there is still some piece of happiness in my life every day. I am not so much affected that I can't see any happiness at all, in fact some days I feel happy for most of the day. But it seems misleading to fill an album with my happy moments when in fact many hours of many days I am struggling to find joy, peace, contentment, and direction. (I finally decided to update the album anyway, in keeping with my original intentions for creating it in the first place. I could use a reason to look for the happy moments.)

Many people in my life know that lately my days are filled with lots of ups and downs. I share (somewhat) freely with a small circle of friends and family who I love and trust. And with a few very close friends I share nearly all of my thoughts, happy or not so happy. But this post is my declaration to the rest of the world, I suppose, in the interest of promoting general honesty among people, and in the interest of reassuring someone else the way that I was reassured. My days are filled with happy moments, but also with not-so-happy moments. And that's okay, because it is my current reality. And it's probably everyone's reality, to some degree or another. So don't feel alone, and don't compare the whole of your real life to someone else's highlights of their real life.

*I can no longer find the post, otherwise I would have included a link to it.