Nostalgia

It's all just so surreal. It hasn't sunk in that I'm graduating on Friday, THIS Friday, just a few days away. Freshman year of college seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it doesn't seem possible that the end of Senior year is here. I've somewhat jokingly been telling everyone that I'll just have to process it after it happens, but I do want to take some time to get some of my muddled thoughts, feelings, and memories written out before they are lost in the whirlwind of change.

The past four years have certainly been some of the best, and also some of the hardest, of my life thus far. So many superlatives can be applied to my time here at Penn State... so many mosts, so many firsts, so many bests.

Going to miss this view.

I've gotten closer to my family-each parent and each sibling-than I've ever felt before; I'm more thankful for them than I've ever been, for who they are and how they uniquely and deeply contribute to my happiness.
I've always been blessed with great friends through each part of my life, but these past four years I've had the biggest number of people in my life that I can truly count on that I've ever had-the most people who I could call at 3 AM, the most people reaching out to me to spend time with me, the most great quality friendships with girls and guys I've ever had. I've shared things about myself-hopes, fears, dreams, experiences-with some of my friends here that I hadn't shared with friends before, and was able to receive the same from them as well.
There have been superlatives that aren't so serious, too. Like finally giving in to the trend of wearing leggings as pants (I know, *groan*) for the first time in the cold, busy Fall semester of my senior year. I was holding out so well, but they were just so comfy and warm. Oh well. :P Or trying alcohol for the first time this past summer when I turned 21 (spoiler alert for anyone under 21, it's not THAT exciting). And despite having had almost a year to get used to it, I'm still not a fan of anything that actually tastes like it has alcohol in it. Orange soda is cheaper and still yummy, and I'll probably always lean towards "girly drinks."
I went to see an R rated movie in theaters for this first time this past year (wow this list is sounding scandalous in the middle here). It was some comedy about weddings that my roommates wanted to see and I really liked the popcorn and enjoyed spending time with them but wouldn't watch it again, which is pretty much what I anticipated.
I got my first lease on a car this past summer, woohoo!, and drove farther and longer than I ever did before this past year as I drove to grad school interviews (also obviously a first).
This past year I moved into an apartment where I pay rent and utilities and cook my own food (most of the time), for the first time. It was a great change from living on campus-despite the long walk to campus, the faulty oven/microwave/toilet/shower/refrigerator, general lack of space, glitchy internet, etc.- it's been so great to burn a candle or bake banana bread or have room for friends in your living room whenever you want. Living with three other girls in a pretty small apartment has certainly brought it's challenges, but overall been pretty much the "life experience" I wanted it to be.
Within the past four years I experienced my first serious dating relationship, as well as my first serious break-up. I also had my first kiss, which was long deliberated over, actually pretty nice and not as awkward as some first kiss stories I've heard, haha! I learned a ton about relationships and love and myself and others. I definitely made some mistakes, but I can't say that I regret a whole lot, because of all the lessons I learned and how it all influenced where and who I am today.
I sang solos in a choir for the first time, and had a blast doing it. (RIP Grace Notes, may you be revived in the future!)
I took classes in subjects I had never learned about in much depth before, like astronomy, biological anthropology, the history of jazz music, geology, and sociology (shout out to gen ed requirements). I strongly disliked some (*coughBioAnthcough*) because I didn't find them very interesting, but really enjoyed others!
I successfully completed an undergraduate thesis research project for the first time (though it was looking dubious towards the end there, it really did come together!). It was during the last two weeks before it was due that while under a lot of stress I felt overwhelmingly supported by so many lovely people in my life, and saw some divine intervention in bringing details together for the project. And on the research topic, although I'm still not looking to dedicate my entire life to research, I'm finding that I don't hate it and some of it is actually super cool and I'm even looking for a job in research right now to get more experience before reapplying grad school. (Yep, didn't get in. Yep, it's competitive. And yep, I'm okay with it and sure it'll all work out :). )
Starting my sophomore year of college I encountered discipleship for the first time through the Navigators, which is really just a fancy Christian word for mentorship with a spiritual focus, and I totally loved it and gained so much from it. It led me to want to disciple other girls, which has also been such a blast. I also led a Bible study with two of my best friends for the first time in my life, which was another wonderful, challenging, and fun experience.
In keeping with the spiritual trend, I got baptized for the first time in my life while here at Penn State. Freshman year I was lucky enough (probably actually led) to find a great faith community in New Hope Church here in State College- a church that loves kids, college students, and people of all ages, loves meeting the needs of and caring for those around them and around the world, and loves food and games and worship and everything else good. I finally felt really comfortable in a faith community, enough that it felt right to be baptized by a pastor who knew me personally and could attest to the evidence of God's work in my life, in front of a church who knew the same. I'm so grateful for them :)
I recently attended my first "peer" wedding (woot woot Megan and Mike!), which I'm sure will be the first of many in the years to come. :)
[And I'm sure there are even more mosts, firsts, and bests that I forgot to (or choose not to!) include here!]

There are a lot of things that I'm going to miss about being an undergraduate student at Penn State. I'll miss the long walks from my apartment to campus or even just from one part of town/campus to another, no matter how much I have complained about them at times. They've given me time to think and breathe and listen to music in the midst of a busy season of life, and this campus and this town are so beautiful, especially in the Fall and Spring (and for a few weeks in the winter, until we all get sick of SO MUCH snow). I'm going to miss seeing the mountains in the background when I walk around State College. I'll miss walking past Old Main with it's lights on at night (see above photo!), or walking through the HUB and running into a friend, or really just running into friends all over campus and downtown. I'm going to miss living so close to so many friends. I know that while I'll stay in touch with some of the friends I've made here, it's going to take a lot more planning and intention to actually see them in the next stage of life. I'll miss our Friday night movie nights/hang outs, the late nights and quality time and deep talks and inside jokes. I'm so going to miss meeting up with Emma and getting to hear about her life over smoothies in Redifer every Thursday morning. I'm going to miss the guidance from Melanie and other Navs staff members who have supported all of us Navigators over the past few years in our walks with God. I know I'll miss Navs retreats with things like California Co-Ed Kickball (oh, there's another first)! I'll miss running to Au Bon Pain from my lab to get a MTO southwest salad or whatever delicious soup options they have that day. I might even miss spending hours in the lab, plodding through files in the peace and quiet of the second floor of Moore. I'll miss the tea at Cafe, the fishbowls at Bar Blue, the incredible breakfast at the Waffle Shop, Berkey creamery ice cream, the cheesesteak egg rolls at Kildare's, the falafel wraps from Penn Kebab, and all the other awesome food establishments I've gotten to enjoy with friends and family here over the past four years. I think I'll miss going to class, as nerdy as that sounds, and getting to just sit there and soak in ideas and information that's new to me. I am definitely going to miss some of the incredible professors I've gotten to learn from in both the Psych and CAS departments here. I'm going to miss Sunday mornings at New Hope, teaching the kiddos about God and worshipping with friends and families at church. I'll miss being "poor" in a socially acceptable way, haha (saw that online the other day, and it struck me as both a bit funny and also sad). I'll miss getting to use Penn State's awesome gym facilities with my student gym membership price (even though I didn't go super regularly, haha). I'm going to miss the arboretum, meeting new people my age all the time, signing up for interesting classes every semester, the grand sense of possibility about the future, and this stage of life.
Most of all, I'm going to miss the people that became a part of, or bigger part of, my life as a result of my time here, the people who have contributed so much to my life over the past few years. And I'll probably miss a million other things that I haven't even thought about missing yet.

I don't yet know when I'll be leaving State College (I've applied to a job here), but I know that even if I am here after I graduate, it won't be the same. I don't yet know what the next few years, heck even few weeks, of my life are going to look like, or what state I might be living in depending on the outcome of job applications. I don't yet know the details of God's plan for me. And that's exciting, and also a little scary. The comforting thing is that while I haven't learned a whole lot (YET) about where He is going to lead me in the future, I have learned a lot about who He is. My life experiences of the past four years have both shaken and then confirmed my belief in the goodness of God, and my trust in Him to provide and care for me. I'm confident that soon He will show me which doors are open or closed and guide me to the right opportunities. It probably won't sink in for a little while yet that this chapter in my life is coming to a close, but I'm thankful for the crazy ride it's been. To all the people who have been a part of my life in these past four years in some way- thank you! :)

Best friends. 

Hail to the lion!

"Thou didst mold us dear old state, dear old state, dear old state!"

Change and Peace and Joy

I'm beginning to feel inspired again.

It's been a long time coming, and as I notice it more and more, I start to realize it's been arriving little by little for quite some time.

For the past several months I made a conscious effort to pursue peace. Suggested to me by a friend, I sought out, chased after a sense of peace. This seeking, of course, was born out of a lack of, and need for, peace. Circumstances shook my sense of peace, deeper still my sense of faith. There is much left to journey through, and like any true psychologist I acknowledge that I may forever be "processing" and "reframing" the events of the last year of my life, figuring out what they mean for me and how they have impacted and shaped me into who I am now, altering me by their occurrence and my subsequent reactions to them. I started out looking for peace, intentionally trying to find it, from that lack and that need. And over time, through prayer, and searching in all the right and all the wrong places, my sense of peace has grown considerably. Though I wander, He is faithful. I feel I am still rebuilding, better yet, being rebuilt, spiritually. But I feel so much more peaceful than I did just a few "short" months ago. So much can change in a few months. I can't lay claim to an ever-present sense of peace, but most days I am more peaceful than not, a radical difference from where I was just five months ago, and for that I am thankful. The peace I have now is more a divine gift in spite of, rather than the result of, my having sought after it, but I believe God has blessed and used my struggles just the same.

Over perhaps the past month or even two (hey, time flies in your senior year of college), I've noticed more and more peace within me. Further still, I've noticed joy rekindling. Not just fleeting moments of happiness, not the kind I last blogged about that burst across the sky and quickly fade. No, this joy that I am starting to feel more and more often once again is the kind that slowly builds and then lingers there. The kind I hadn't felt in a while, and forgot how wonderful it is to feel. The kind of joy that makes me crinkle my nose and wave my arms and dance around like a little kid. The kind of joy that spills over and makes me smile to myself. A deep, true, joy that makes the sun shine brighter once again. It's addictive, in a good way. And so I'm deciding now to pursue joy.

It's a good time of the year to chase after joy, when everyone is wishing it upon you. It's a hopeful, generous, joyous time of year, Christmas. I suppose joy is not so radically different from peace, really. When I am finally resting, content and at peace, it is then that my eyes and my heart can be open to looking for and feeling joy. So pursuing joy will mean also continuing my pursuit of peace, building on the peace I've found/been given over the past few months.

There is much journeying left to be done. The next year of my life is full of uncertainty. Undoubtedly it will push me and pull me to grow and change in ways impossible to foresee. And I'm looking forward to it, not only with a sense of peace, but also with a sense of joy. :)

This post is probably a bit cryptic and riddled with writing errors, but I'm really not sure how to put these thoughts into words, so I finally decided to just go for it. It would have been pretty sad to have only one blog post for the entire year, and sadder still to have that one blog post reflect the hardest part of the year, and not the journey I've been living since then. So I have no grand conclusion or call-to-action for readers. But here's an update, my thoughts and experience shared, for whatever it is worth: at the very least, a helpful reminder for me when I look back five months or more from now. :)

Living the "Uninspired" Life

I've considered posting on here a few times over the last several months, but usually felt I was lacking the inspiration to write a worthwhile post. However, I recently read two blog posts that talked about feeling uninspired, which, ironically, inspired me to write about my own currently uninspiring life.

One post was written by a woman with a popular Instagram account*. She explained how her Instagram posts only show the highlights of her life, that her pictures are often staged, and the fact that they don't reflect her day-to-day, hour-to-hour reality. If people are jealous of her life, it is because they don't really know what it's like. Her blog post reminded me of a quote which says something to the effect of: "It isn't fair to compare your everyday life to someone else's highlights reel."

Another post ( http://abovealllovedeeply.blogspot.com/2014/07/an-altar-transformed.html ) was written by someone I know. In her post she shared how her summer had been full of working on mundane, unexciting tasks, which were draining her physically and emotionally. She was realizing that if she did not start focusing on finding joy, she was going to get burned out. I admire her for finding a positive message to share, but also for being honest about the parts of her life that just aren't what she wants them to be right now. As I read her post I felt myself relaxing, knowing that someone else was feeling a general lack of inspiration just like I was.

All of this isn't to say that I have lived the past several months without ever experiencing inspiration, because that would be both sad and untrue. There are little things that inspire me daily, and I am as thankful as ever for my proclivity for being easily amused by the littlest details. But I haven't felt an overall sense of being on fire for life, supercharged and overflowing with inspiration (sometimes I really have felt that way in the past). Rather, my moments of inspiration that stem from interactions with other people, a song, a paragraph, a sunset, have been just that--moments. Moments that burst like a flash of light but then fade away into the gray as quickly as they appeared.
This summer has been much different than what I anticipated it would be like. There have been times of great joy, and of growth, but also times of unexpected confusion and pain. In those latter times, there have been moments, hours, and days when "inspired" is the farthest thing from what I am feeling.

So maybe I owe the world a glimpse of my currently uninspired life. You should know that if your daily life doesn't look like my Instagram posts, neither does mine. I don't lie through my Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter accounts. The happy snapshots and statuses (stati?) are all real and true. But naturally, I don't post about my disappointments, failures, heartbreaks, bad hair days, stress, or broken relationships. That might be strange if I did, and I likely won't be posting about them anytime soon. But I do believe it is worth mentioning that although all of the lovely things I post about are in fact real, happy parts of my life, they do not tell the whole story. I strive to use any social media outlets I have to be a positive and inspirational presence to others who may be checking my profile, and I believe that is an okay, even right, position to take. I am (usually) an optimist, a hopeless romantic (I love love), and a happy person. But I'm not always. And there is much more going on in my life than what I choose to post about online.

It's easy to look around on Facebook and feel like you are the only one sitting at home on a Friday night, wondering which one of your siblings you can bug to hang out with you because you've already watched every decent movie on Netflix and none of your friends are available or interested in hanging out. It's easy to look at your newsfeed and, as you like your friends engagement and wedding pictures in genuine happiness, think that you must be the only one trying to move on from a broken relationship. The list of examples goes on and on, but the truth is that those friends who are out having fun with other friends, or those friends who are getting engaged and married, all have their own moments every day that they decide not to share. And that's okay, we all do that and it's probably a good thing that we don't all know everything about each other's lives. But don't forget that just like you share your highlights, they are sharing theirs.

I have been updating an album on my Facebook page called 100 Days of Happy. It's a really neat challenge that I have seen going around for the past few months--find something happy in every day for 100 days, and post a picture of it. The goal, I think, is to encourage yourself to be more aware of the happiness in your life, and by sharing the photos on social media, encourage others to do the same for their own lives. After a difficult start to my summer I decided to take this challenge, hoping it would help me to look for the happy parts of each day. It has helped me, and I've so enjoyed looking back after each couple of weeks at the fun times I've documented with my photos. Recently, as I've struggled through a somewhat unexpected end to a relationship that was very important to me, I've felt like posting pictures to my hundred happy days album would be hypocritical. Yes, of course there is still some piece of happiness in my life every day. I am not so much affected that I can't see any happiness at all, in fact some days I feel happy for most of the day. But it seems misleading to fill an album with my happy moments when in fact many hours of many days I am struggling to find joy, peace, contentment, and direction. (I finally decided to update the album anyway, in keeping with my original intentions for creating it in the first place. I could use a reason to look for the happy moments.)

Many people in my life know that lately my days are filled with lots of ups and downs. I share (somewhat) freely with a small circle of friends and family who I love and trust. And with a few very close friends I share nearly all of my thoughts, happy or not so happy. But this post is my declaration to the rest of the world, I suppose, in the interest of promoting general honesty among people, and in the interest of reassuring someone else the way that I was reassured. My days are filled with happy moments, but also with not-so-happy moments. And that's okay, because it is my current reality. And it's probably everyone's reality, to some degree or another. So don't feel alone, and don't compare the whole of your real life to someone else's highlights of their real life.

*I can no longer find the post, otherwise I would have included a link to it. 

Let's Talk About It

Tonight I got to hear Kevin Breel speak here at Penn State, and his message inspired me. His message is simple, but so very necessary for all of us to hear, remember, and live. He said: "Be honest." (among other things). He encouraged us to ask honest questions, and answer questions honestly, and not shy away from the difficult topics. He was specifically talking about the conversation surrounding mental health. Despite the millions we lose to suicide, it's still a bit of a taboo topic. But it shouldn't be. I liked what Kevin said tonight about depression, and other mental health issues... they're all just labels. Depression is just a label for pain. And pain is something we all can relate to. We all experience pain. So why don't we talk about it and let people know they're not alone? It might be tough to talk about suicide, but it's even tougher to lose someone to suicide and wonder what you might have been able to do to help them. So many good thoughts from Kevin tonight, and from his TedTalk (http://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic.html) and also on his blog (http://kevinbreel.tumblr.com/). Check it out! Seriously. Do it.

I love his courage. What inspires me most about Kevin is this, and these are his words to describe it: his mess is his message. His power as a speaker, as an activist, is just to simply be honest about what he has experienced and in doing so, give others an invitation to be honest about their lives as well. For a long time, he was afraid to be honest about what he was going through and feeling inside. But now that he's spoken out, he has been able to touch millions of lives, even save hundreds. And those are just the ones who have told him so. :)

Sometimes I type up blog posts and decide not to post them, because they seem too honest, or too negative. If I can't put some sort of positive spin on it, I think twice about posting it and usually decide not to. But what message is that sending to the people around me, when I choose not to tell them about my bad days? As someone who wants to become a mental health professional, I need to be the first one to be honest with other people, in hopes that it will invite other people to be honest with me.
The truth is, usually even on my most difficult days, I'm able to see the hope in the situation. For that I'm really thankful; I know it isn't that way for everyone. But my point is that even though I have a lot of hope and I'm not depressed, I still still experience pain and bad days just like everyone else, and I need to be honest about that if I want others to be honest with me.

I'm going to post something here that I wrote five months ago, almost to the day. I had originally titled it "My Moonlit Melody" (I like alliteration). Like I talked about above, this was one rough day where I was still able to feel hope by the end of it. But it also showcases some of the feelings I was struggling with, and that's why I'll share it here tonight. Before this day, and many times since then, I've had other rough days. It's my hope that in sharing this tonight someone will hear and believe this message: You are not alone.
I'm no longer making that statement without backing it up. You are not alone in your pain because I feel pain sometimes, too. Our lives are different but we all feel pain and we all need love, and I'm here for you to be honest about your good days and your bad days too.

"Tonight I'm hurting. And not because of anything anyone has done to hurt me, but because I am broken. I'm a human, destined to sin, prone to mistakes, and bound to hurt the people I love the most. And so I do; I sin, I make mistakes, and I hurt the people closest to me. No matter how hard I try to avoid these three entanglements, I find they are inevitable. Which is maddening and painful. Certain parts of being a human I don't mind. Other aspects I cannot ever seem to reconcile myself to...like the part of being a human that includes failing, annoying, burdening, or hurting people I love. [In one word: fallibility?] I just can't stand it; it makes me feel angry and hurt, trapped in an existence in which I hope to become free of these pitfalls, yet acknowledge (though not fully accept) that such a freedom may never come this side of Heaven.

Grace is real, and I know that. I believe it, I read about it, pray about it, write about it, tell others about it. But some days, days in which I have hurt people I love, I just can't seem to accept it. Not because I don't need grace--I desperately do, there's no way I can ever repay or make up for hurting them. And it's not because I don't want things to be restored, because I want that desperately, too. I think I have trouble accepting grace because I hate that I need it in the first place.

Maybe it's a deep pride issue, maybe it's a matter of placing too much of my identity in caring for others well.

But really, regardless of why I find it so hard to accept grace, along with my own constant need for it, I must. Without grace, I'll never learn to improve, never overcome each shortcoming, each cause for pain. A song called Grace by Tenth Avenue North comes to mind; part of its chorus reads: "grace, only grace, can move us to a rhythm that will change our ways." I think it's true--only grace can bring lasting change in me. And so like it or not, come kicking and screaming, I must learn to accept grace and my need for it if I am to move on from my latest failures.

It's sometimes a daily battle to accept grace. There are days it's easier and days it seems impossible. Last night as I looked up at the stars and talked and prayed with my best friend, I was able to accept grace in a way that I haven't in a long time. Although I was, and am, frustrated with my need for it in the first place, I am striving toward more moonlit nights like last night. Nights in which I am able to hear a melody that leads me to a place of peace despite the storm inside me... the rhythm of grace." [5/23/13]

If you ever feel angry, hurt, confused, lonely, depressed, anxious, anything--feel free to talk to me about it. I'd love to hear what's going on in your life, and I want you to know that you aren't alone. There is hope, and life is beautiful, and I am here for you. 

Don't shy away from the difficult conversations. Don't be afraid to ask hard questions, and to answer hard questions honestly. Ask for help. Ask your friend if he's really okay. Ask your friend what's really going on in her life. In Kevin's words, "Don't buy into the stigma, the conversation is too important for that."
:)

A Look at Leaves and Life

I was frustrated with myself. No matter how hard I tried to be a better person, it seemed I was repeatedly making mistakes and falling short. I was trying to accept grace, from God and from others, but I couldn't seem to accept myself with so many flaws. The smallest oversights were beginning to gnaw away at my conscience, and my self-criticism was excessive. It was with these thoughts in mind that I set off on an afternoon walk with my dog Gracie today.

As soon as I stepped outside, I was struck by the brilliance of the sunshine, the coolness of the breeze, and the beauty of the vibrantly colored plants lining both sides of the road. I started to take deeper breaths and to smile, for no real reason other than enjoying the sights and sounds of the nature surrounding me. The further I walked the more I realized how negative a view I have had the past few days. How critical I have been of myself, refusing to rest in the fact that like all of the beauty around me, I was designed and created by an intelligent and loving God.

Positive thoughts started to flood into my mind... I was created, not an accident. I am flawed, yes, but I was designed by the same God who designed the trees and flowers I was stopping to take pictures of! Although I can't see why He would create me with the ability to make mistakes and hurt others, He must have a reason; my current state has surely not exempted me from His master plan. I am like a small tree, which has yet to grow into all it was designed to be. But there is no shame in growth...and a small tree is no less valuable because it has not yet become all that it was made to become. Some things just take time.
As I looked around at the trees, their beauty captivated me. No single tree was perfect. Some were bent at odd angles, some had dying leaves. But together, the trees created a canopy of sorts over the road. As the light streamed through their branches, the sunshine caught differently on each leaf, casting a kaleidoscope of light and dark shapes on the road below.

It was this kaleidoscope from the leaves that lent me some much needed perspective on life. I was never meant to reflect all of God's character in and of myself. Yes, I am meant to be a picture of Him, to reflect pieces of His heart, to love with His love and to hold His light within myself like a jar of clay, that through me, others may see Him. But never can I fully represent Him. I am not His mirror, I am one piece in a grand masterpiece of all creation, which is His glory. He designed me, and all of us, in our human frailty that TOGETHER we might make a full picture of His goodness. We are meant for communal beauty, for a group portrait. The places where I am bent, where my leaves are not in full bloom, that's where the other trees in the forest, those around me, are meant to complete the picture.



Should I stop growing and blooming? Certainly not. But I can stop fretting about my incomplete beauty. The pressure is off for me to be a perfect picture of all of God's goodness. Let me focus on those aspects of myself that God has designed to reflect Himself, to soak up the sun and the rain to grow those parts of myself that are not yet all I was designed to be, and to release myself from the responsibility to be the whole forest. What is the saying, sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees? I have been too focused on my own tree, unable to appreciate the beauty of my part in the forest around me.

Have you ever put pressure on yourself to be perfect? Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself? Of those around you?
Take a deep breath, and look at the trees, look at the forest. Watch how the sunlight catches on their leaves, and how together, they are a breathtaking testament to the goodness of God. May we acknowledge God's design... His design that we might collectively reflect the beauty of who He is.

Sunshine and Sharing: Living in the Light

This past weekend was filled with encouragement for me. I went to a small cabin/house with a bunch of girls from Penn State Navigators, and had an incredible time at "women's weekend." This time was incredible for me because it felt real; not only did I feel loved, accepted, and encouraged by the women I was with, but I also felt challenged, and perhaps even more importantly, I felt that they were being honest with me, and that it was safe to be honest with them. This is the essence of fellowship, and how community should be!! :)

The theme for the weekend was "Into the light," and we talked about how God brings us from darkness into light. We looked a lot at who God is (He is light!) and who we are in Him (children of light!). I am finding that I can never be reminded too often of God's character and of my identity in Him--it's absolutely vital for my every day life to bear these things in mind. 

Beyond reminders of important truths, I also feel I learned and experienced new things. The following analogy stood out to me, as I processed in a new way the power of Christ in me:

We are like candles, and God lights a flame in us. Even as Satan tries his hardest to extinguish this flame, the best he can do is attempt to deceive us, concealing the flame. He cannot put it out, because although he comes to kill, steal, and destroy, it is not his flame to take. No matter how occluded, the flame of Christ remains in us. 

This analogy reminds me of a really neat moment I had with God this past week. The sun was shining here in Happy Valley (only a recent occurrence, after several months of rather dismal looking skies). I found myself with some extra time between two meetings, and so I decided to journal on a bench in the sunshine. As I journaled, I noticed the sun behind some clouds. It was pretty, but also a bit chilly, as the clouds blocked the direct sunlight from hitting my bench (see picture 1 below!). Shortly thereafter, the clouds drifted away from the sun, and I was nearly blinded when I tried to take a picture of it as it covered me in sudden warmth (see picture 2 below!). From these moments of watching the sun and clouds, an analogy of my walk with God came to me. At times, my sin acts like clouds and covers up the brightness of God in my life. Although He has not moved, He feels distant because the clouds of sin block His warmth from reaching me. They cannot fully cover His presence, only try to dim it, as He shines out from behind the clouds and by His light I see my surroundings. He is always shining, always present. But when I leave behind my sin, the clouds fade away and I better receive His warmth and feel His presence!

In both of these analogies, God is light :) All throughout scripture He is called, and calls Himself, light. My current personal favorite verses (Ephesians 5:8, 14b) on this subject read: "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light...'Wake up, sleeper,

    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.'”

In hearing the stories of women who chose to be vulnerable and share how God has brought them from darkness into life, I was challenged to live as a child of light. In their love and understanding of my own darkness, I felt filled with strength and hope that, in the power of Christ, I CAN live as a child of the light. I can choose daily to walk toward the light and to trust that God is always present, and that I have His light shining in me.

To tack on one last point to this haphazardly organized entry, share your stories of darkness and light with others. As powerful as the verses and lessons I heard this weekend were, what had the most profound impact on me was to hear the personal stories of other women. To hear their accounts of how God has redeemed dark situations, events, and sin in their lives and brought them into light was so encouraging! I cannot explain to you how incredible it felt to share with a small group of those women the darkness I have experienced in my own life. It was incredible because they understood, and treated me with grace and no judgement. Several of them have stories of darkness just like mine, and I know that the same God is bringing all of us into the light, no matter what our own darkness looks like.

Look for the ways that God wants to usher you into the light, and use whatever darkness you experience to bring you closer to Him. What Satan intends to use to separate you from God, simply cannot. Look at the evidence of light all around you...in nature, in the stories of others, in your story. Know that He is light, and you are His. Let us live as children of light in the Lord! :) 

Heaven's Heart and Hope's Restart

"A second chance is Heaven's heart" --Second Chance, Rend Collective Experiment. 

And thank God that these words are true. 

The words to this song are so powerful and so very relevant to what I have to say, I'll post them all here:

  

My future hangs on this
You make preciousness from dust
Please don't stop creating me

Your blood offers the chance
To rewind to innocence
Reborn, perfect as a child

CHORUS:
Oh Your cross, it changes everything
There my world begins again with You
Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts
A second chance is Heaven's heart

When sin and ugliness
Collide with redemption's kiss
Beauty awakens by romance

Always inside this mess
I have found forgiveness
Mercy as infinite as You

(Chorus)

BRIDGE:
Countless second chances
We've been given at the cross
Countless second chances
We've been given at the cross

Fragments of brokenness
Salvaged by the art of grace
You craft life from our mistakes

Black skies of my regrets
Outshone by this kindness
New life dawns over my soul

(Chorus)
(Chorus)
(Bridge)

I've loved this band, and their art of singing the words of God so beautifully, for a while now. But the words of this song are what I feel I am experiencing now. I am watching God salvage brokenness, and craft life from mistakes, outshining regrets with new life. I am seeing this in my life, and in lives of friends around me. Over the past month or so, I have begun to pray those more daring prayers. Ones that blatantly ask God to give me strength I know I don't have, prayers for miracles, for unexplained goodness, for Him to show me His power. And He has been answering! 

For a long time I have been battling recurring sins in my life. Some of them are "common," like worrying instead of trusting God, or like putting silly things before spending time with Him. Others are not the kind you casually throw out as prayer requests at the close of your bible study meeting, like having lustful thoughts, or like going back to unhealthy habits. Now I do understand that as humans, we all struggle to differing degrees with very similar issues throughout our lives, and that even as Christian humans, we are promised difficulty in obeying God. To follow God is a lifelong journey, and to surrender to Him is a daily effort--I believe these things with all my heart. 

In my Navs bible study recently, we read the passage where Jesus is praying in the garden just before his arrest, and his disciples have fallen asleep. An element of this story stood out to me this time that I hadn't processed before. Jesus both expected His disciples to be awake, like He commanded them to be, AND understood their humanness and weakness to obey His command. He says, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak" (Mark 14:38). He acknowledges that they will be tempted, and that their bodies are weak. His words to them later in this passage make it clear that they were supposed to have stayed awake, and that He's disappointed they didn't watch and pray. Yet He doesn't give up on them... just a few hours later, He is letting Himself be carted off to trial, eventually to be hung on the cross. And He is doing it for them, for us all. Jesus simultaneously understands our humanity, and expects more of our spirits. And this understanding/expectation for us revolves completely around what He did for us on the cross.

In my own strength, I have no hope of overcoming the sins of my past and of walking in freedom. But because of the cross, because of God's heart for redemption, I am more than just a human heart inside a weak body. I have a spirit, and I have HIS spirit, and it is because of the presence of His spirit in me that He can expect more of me. That He is justified in calling me to surrender the sin in my life to Him, to flee the darkness and embrace the light. 

And so I have hope. And I can walk in freedom. And I can choose to chase light. Christ has called me to be ready to give an account for this hope that I have within me (1 Peter 3:15), and so here is my account. This post is a bit more personal and open than others of mine have been, and hopefully that's okay. None of us are blameless, until we are covered by His grace. I've written about grace and about shame in past posts, and I am taking steps towards letting grace win out over shame in my life. I am a sinner and I am redeemed, and I'm not afraid to admit either part of that, because the first half says that I need God's love, and the second half says that He does indeed love me! 

I am finding that as I struggle with these sins in my life, God is so much greater!! For so long I have felt trapped, and I am just beginning to feel the freedom that comes with His second chances. I have always read the verses about being a new creation, and living free, and offering our whole selves as sacrifices. And I have believed them and even tried to live them, but I have not claimed them and relied on them the way that I am learning to do now. I used to wonder why God has allowed me to struggle with lust and other sins, but now I am starting to see the beauty He is bringing out of these struggles. Beyond the amazing fact that He has used and is using my story to encourage others in their own struggles, He is using every step of this journey to teach me more about Himself. The days where I ignore the cross and don’t trust in the second chances He is offering me, I miss all the incredible ways God is just waiting to bless me. Those days I feel weak and I mess up, and those days still happen sometimes. But the days where I focus on God and spend time with Him, I realize all the ways He wants to use me and give me the strength that I need to follow His commands. God has not only redeemed me as a person, but has redeemed my experiences with sin to bring me closer to Him and to encourage others. The amazing part of grace is that it takes what was once a source of shame and transforms it into evidence of the work of Christ. The lust, the fear, the selfishness, the pride, and any other sin, become an avenue through which God reveals His power to work in us. I am watching Him clearly bring life from sin that is meant to bring death, and it’s amazing.

My future hangs on the promise that God will continue to create me, making "preciousness from dust." Some days I will be weak, and will fall short of His commands, just like the disciples who fell asleep that night. But like the disciples, I will be given second chances. And just as Jesus valued those men and died to be their Savior, He values me and died for me, too. 

The point of making this public and posting it for (hypothetically) anyone to see: All of this can be true for you, as well. On that cross, Jesus died for all of us. 

Let the account of the hope I have within me become yours, too. Claim those second chances. Surrender to the confusing, messy, beautiful, unfair, life-giving, freeing, unmerited love of God for you. Join me in praying those bold prayers, in relying on Him to answer. Let your hope restart because of Jesus' love, displayed by the second chances He gave us through the cross. Yes, God expects much of us, and calls us to high standards (which lead us to fuller, richer, deeper lives). But He gives us the Holy Spirit and the freedom to follow Him because He defeated death on that cross as well. Let us not be discouraged by His great expectations, but remember Heaven's heart for second chances. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQRaxELspKg