I love his courage. What inspires me most about Kevin is this, and these are his words to describe it: his mess is his message. His power as a speaker, as an activist, is just to simply be honest about what he has experienced and in doing so, give others an invitation to be honest about their lives as well. For a long time, he was afraid to be honest about what he was going through and feeling inside. But now that he's spoken out, he has been able to touch millions of lives, even save hundreds. And those are just the ones who have told him so. :)
Sometimes I type up blog posts and decide not to post them, because they seem too honest, or too negative. If I can't put some sort of positive spin on it, I think twice about posting it and usually decide not to. But what message is that sending to the people around me, when I choose not to tell them about my bad days? As someone who wants to become a mental health professional, I need to be the first one to be honest with other people, in hopes that it will invite other people to be honest with me.
The truth is, usually even on my most difficult days, I'm able to see the hope in the situation. For that I'm really thankful; I know it isn't that way for everyone. But my point is that even though I have a lot of hope and I'm not depressed, I still still experience pain and bad days just like everyone else, and I need to be honest about that if I want others to be honest with me.
I'm going to post something here that I wrote five months ago, almost to the day. I had originally titled it "My Moonlit Melody" (I like alliteration). Like I talked about above, this was one rough day where I was still able to feel hope by the end of it. But it also showcases some of the feelings I was struggling with, and that's why I'll share it here tonight. Before this day, and many times since then, I've had other rough days. It's my hope that in sharing this tonight someone will hear and believe this message: You are not alone.
I'm no longer making that statement without backing it up. You are not alone in your pain because I feel pain sometimes, too. Our lives are different but we all feel pain and we all need love, and I'm here for you to be honest about your good days and your bad days too.
"Tonight I'm hurting. And not because of anything anyone has done to hurt me, but because I am broken. I'm a human, destined to sin, prone to mistakes, and bound to hurt the people I love the most. And so I do; I sin, I make mistakes, and I hurt the people closest to me. No matter how hard I try to avoid these three entanglements, I find they are inevitable. Which is maddening and painful. Certain parts of being a human I don't mind. Other aspects I cannot ever seem to reconcile myself to...like the part of being a human that includes failing, annoying, burdening, or hurting people I love. [In one word: fallibility?] I just can't stand it; it makes me feel angry and hurt, trapped in an existence in which I hope to become free of these pitfalls, yet acknowledge (though not fully accept) that such a freedom may never come this side of Heaven.
Grace is real, and I know that. I believe it, I read about it, pray about it, write about it, tell others about it. But some days, days in which I have hurt people I love, I just can't seem to accept it. Not because I don't need grace--I desperately do, there's no way I can ever repay or make up for hurting them. And it's not because I don't want things to be restored, because I want that desperately, too. I think I have trouble accepting grace because I hate that I need it in the first place.
Maybe it's a deep pride issue, maybe it's a matter of placing too much of my identity in caring for others well.
But really, regardless of why I find it so hard to accept grace, along with my own constant need for it, I must. Without grace, I'll never learn to improve, never overcome each shortcoming, each cause for pain. A song called Grace by Tenth Avenue North comes to mind; part of its chorus reads: "grace, only grace, can move us to a rhythm that will change our ways." I think it's true--only grace can bring lasting change in me. And so like it or not, come kicking and screaming, I must learn to accept grace and my need for it if I am to move on from my latest failures.
It's sometimes a daily battle to accept grace. There are days it's easier and days it seems impossible. Last night as I looked up at the stars and talked and prayed with my best friend, I was able to accept grace in a way that I haven't in a long time. Although I was, and am, frustrated with my need for it in the first place, I am striving toward more moonlit nights like last night. Nights in which I am able to hear a melody that leads me to a place of peace despite the storm inside me... the rhythm of grace." [5/23/13]
If you ever feel angry, hurt, confused, lonely, depressed, anxious, anything--feel free to talk to me about it. I'd love to hear what's going on in your life, and I want you to know that you aren't alone. There is hope, and life is beautiful, and I am here for you.
Don't shy away from the difficult conversations. Don't be afraid to ask hard questions, and to answer hard questions honestly. Ask for help. Ask your friend if he's really okay. Ask your friend what's really going on in her life. In Kevin's words, "Don't buy into the stigma, the conversation is too important for that."
:)
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