__________________________________________
I look over at you as we drive with the windows down, the wind blowing through my hair and a smile playing on your lips. You reach over with your right hand and place it gently on my knee and I grin at you and you grin back. We are loving this unseasonably warm weather and I'm purposefully picking songs from my phone with that "chill vibe" that you like. I'm also purposefully choosing ones about love and happiness. You ask me if we should turn right or left, and I say you should pick, I really don't care, because we have nowhere we need to be today, and my isn't that a glorious thing. I focus only on the music, the sunshine, the wind, my hand on top of your hand, your smile matching my smile.
&&&&&&
You smell like hard-won self-care. The scent of your aromatherapy lotion grounds me as the three of us lay here together, reeling, trying to breathe and make sense of it all. You hold us both close as we mostly cry, talking here and there when we can. Eventually you get up, we move on to the rest of the daunting day ahead of us. Months later I track down the lotion you were wearing and I buy some for myself. It makes me think of you, which brings me comfort.
&&&&&
As we sit down at the picnic table, you start unpacking the lunches that you made for us. You're such a planner, and generous and thoughtful, too. You dole out the sandwiches and snacks you packed and the four of us settle into a pattern of light chatter between bites. I still can't believe we've convinced the littler ones to come along, but somehow your enthusiasm must have spilled over into them because everyone seems to be in a good mood. We take our time eating, then pack up and set off for the hike. Just before we reach the clearing with the tower we encounter tons of butterflies, or maybe they're moths, it's hard to tell but it doesn't really matter because the visual effect is the same- it's beautiful.
&&&&&&
The airport noises dim as I turn around to see you, unexpectedly, here in my dream. You've been missing from them lately, or when you do appear you're fleeting, something is always off. But not this time, this time you seem as real as ever. You ask me if I have any questions, and I can sense the urgency of the moment, like in a second you'll be gone again, and so I say no, maybe later, maybe next time. For now I just want to tell you that I love you. And you tell me you love me too. When I turn to the others, maybe to alert them that you're here, you disappear again. But you felt so real, I think the moment was real.
&&&&&&
Your text response makes me smile- something so simple yet so thoughtful, conveying that you listen when I speak and you care about what I say. I've volunteered to bring home some cheese for us, to pair with the wine and crackers you already have. I've asked which kind of cheese you'd like, and you say I should get whichever kind doesn't make me sick, because you know that for some reason my digestive system plays nicer with certain types of cheese than others. You know this because we talk about pretty much everything, mundane and important alike, and you have a knack for knowing when something is important and you tune in and make a mental note, and you remember.
&&&&&&
The weather is just starting to turn chilly, still in between winter and full-on spring, and we're both wearing sweaters but no coats. You hold my hand as we talk here on this bench we happened upon down the trail in the woods and you sense that what I'm saying will be hard to hear. At least, it seems you do, because from the pained expression on your face you are recognizing the place of pain I'm speaking from. The tears come on a bit unexpectedly, and soon I am crying more than you've seen yet and more than I would like, this being a date and all. But you wrap both arms around me and you start to tear up, too. We sit like this, not saying much, as I catch my breath. You wait for me, you don't hurry the moment. You're okay to sit with me in this not-okay state. And a few minutes later, when I'm ready, I bring up a new topic and you gracefully move right along with me. As we walk back to the car, I think we decide to go bowling. You crack a joke, I laugh, I check my make-up in the passenger side mirror and I realize that I'm falling in love with you.
No comments:
Post a Comment